I Didn't Deserve You Anyway.

Major Revelation: You get upset, because you can't let go of the things you don't want to be happening.

It's already tomorrow morning and I gotta wake up for work. The room is so fucking hot i'm sitting here half-naked in my boxers. I'm blasting the ac while I write. This hurricane is going to be pretty interesting. I can't wait for it. They evacuated Sunchild's town.

Fuck I'm finding a lack of motivation to write.

You need to write about something you want to.

I want to write about Tuesday.

What about Tuesday?

She's gone.

Where did she go?

Away.

Away?

I don't know where, But I know she can respond, she just chooses not to.

You know she cares about you.

I believed she did. But.. Now... I don't.. even.. know...

What happened?

I'm ashamed to say.. I can't.. remember...

What do you mean? Don't you care about her enough to remember?

I care about her dearly, trust me. My memory is just.. fucking.. shot.. It's far too spent being.. burnt out from life.

But how you remember things directly reflects importance wouldn't you think?

Yeah... But.. She does mean a lot to me.

How would you rationalize that?

Well, I feel like a broken record. She's the only one who really knows me. Who really knows how I'd act and how I'd speak. She's the only one I can truly just say anything too anymore and be alright with.

What's that I feel in you?

Shut the fuck up.

Is it.. growing heart again?

I think.. It might be.. I might.. be able.. to take loss again.. and be.. alright...

Tuesday, Don't speak to me. I'm bad for you. Don't you keep me in your life, unless you need me to be. I'll be there for you.

A Violent Disassosciation

 Can't think. Can't rationalize. Can't relate. Can't find rest. I'm a fucking freight train. If your lucky, you won't ever meet me.

The Fate

I believe in Fate. It's what.. I call my religion. It's not the same thing.. of what many people think to be destiny. I just believe, that no matter who we are or what we do, the things that happen were meant to happen because of who we are and our surroundings.

I feel this, lacking in my life. I don't know what it's from. I'll admit, i'm a little bummed from Sunchild. And Queen. And universe.

Talk to me man.

Why

Because.

Because what man?

Because you seem.. Dead.

Maybe I am Dead? And you just don't know it.


Do you think you'll be alright tomorrow?

Hopefully.

Do you think you'll hear back from one of the girls?

Yeah...

Hm.

Hm. Is right.

Do you feel the disassociation?

Yeah you know I do.

What's it like?

Like I feel, Like.. I do'nt know. I pray it's just today.

Pray?

Our Fate in mind,
hallowed be thy prophecy,
you will come,
thy will be done
in reality as it is in mind.
Give us this day, our daily dread,
and show us our path,
as we will find it with another,
and lead us not to insanity,
but deliver us from FUCK.

I've upset eyes again. I'm sure of it. I can't take upsetting her. It hurts me. It hurts her. It hurts my world. I should treat her better. I'm a fucking prick. Good night cruel world. Fuck You Dearly.

Blend

She's filled with fire.
Every word she writes is a word intended to bite and sting.
She'll tell me otherwise if I ask.
Or tell me something that's completely indirect to the subject.
I care about her I do.
But I can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped.
But then again, does she need to be helped?
She's right for being angry at me.
I do want to be with Sunchild.
But I don't know why.
Probably just for comfort and sex.
I'm pretty sure that fact is what sets her off edge.
I mean, it should.
All I want to do when I speak to her is make her happy and treat her like a loved one.
The idea of having someone you like with someone else drives plenty of people off edge.
I wonder what that says, about us.
Should we be talking the way we do, if i'm going to be off with other people here?
I hope she'll truly be happy one day, with someone else if not me.

Finding what you want

To most people, this just kind of.. comes. It's not even second nature, it's first nature. It's constantly on everyone's mind. At least I feel like it is. I thought about Sunchild. She's away in Portugal right now. I thought about how she is, and how she treats me. I felt a little but uh, requited. I think that holds the right meaning. She 's breaking one of my fundamentals when I'm with her. I'm pretty sure my expectations are far more then out of fucking whack. But, that fundamental she's breaking is one that I know to be very, very crucial. "Never love someone more than they love you."

I just felt like.. It was that way when we last hung out. But it was strange, because she acted so nonchalant. Idk. She didn't give me enough love back. She didn't reciprocate. She told me she put's up this wall all the time ever since her one shitty relationship.

Important things to ask yourself:
-Why should I care, when they hurt me?

Ill write later.

Killing the Silence

Break. Break. Break. Break.

Hah, I'm rushing right now. Surging in fact. I can't find the flaws that I feel. I'm constantly searching. I can't stop ever looking and enduring. I feel it, i know it's there. I just can't find where. Their is something wrong with me. Something deeply wrong. Something so wrong that I can't see. I'm blind, because in my mind, nothing is right. And I realize nothing will ever end this fight.

The laws of silence

Don't speak
Always Think
Don't move with your eyes
Don't move in mind
Stay static.
Shapeless.
Be faux
Ideologic

Frat Party

College kids are something else. The human mind seems to always act so similar despite how we each view ourselves as independent people. I talked with several kids there at the party. Everyone of them had this... social haze in them. They were just so filled with what they wanted. They didn't care about much of anything because their goals were so met.

Journey

The pill is bliss. It's working great. I'm finding clarity in places I never thought I could.

Today was Tomorrow And Yesterday Tomorrow: Truth

I'm trying to map out all the things wrong with me in my head right now. It's really hard to think about. I think that'd be the first thing to say whats wrong with me. I can't focus. For the life of me. I really can't. I try to think of things that would give support to this statement. But I can't. But I feel it. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. It's like trying to build a house of cards on Teflon. It just won't work.

When I think on the other hand of the situation, maybe if i can't find support for my beliefs, I shouldn't believe in them. Because, without support, there's no ground. This can be a cause of some delirium for sure. Yeah, I quite like the sound of that. If I can't support it, don't believe in it. Despite your emotions. So let's try and think of something that bothers me, that I believe in.

Well shit. I can't think of anything right now. But I still want to write.

Oh here's something that's wrong with me, I can't choose to do the right thing anymore.

I can't choose to do the right thing and tell Tuesday, that we shouldn't speak to each other anymore. It'd just cause her pain. Pain because she'd just become more deeply attracted and liking to me. I know I deeply want to speak to her, but for the wrong reasons. I want her to love me. I think that's my desperation. My long journey of recovery after a four year relationship. My desperation for someone, because I guess I don't know how to live with myself anymore. But the most disgusting thing and thing I hate my self for, I want her to love me only while I don't have a love in real life. That's pretty true isn't it? Yeah. it is.

So, why can't I do the right thing? Because I feel too weak to carry on by myself. It is completely selfish. But I feel like I'm finally at my end. To the point where I contemplated suicide yesterday. I still don't think I'd do it, but I just started to think of the benefits of it. So, Tuesday is like my last leg. I shouldn't be using her for love, but I am. We say were friends, but I feel more then that. I think she does too, at least more then she's willing to admit. I can't think of what my life would be like with out her. Probably very lonely, seeing as to how i'd have no one to really speak to or know me. I still want Tuesday to be in my life even if i don't like her, but I'm afraid we'd have nothing to talk about. That our relationship would just fizzle when I found somebody.

Write

I got a weird depression today. Was strange. I felt like I just hated everything I was doing.

On the way to the gym today, I found out that all I really want in life, is to be there for someone. My goal is to serve someone. Give them myself. I don't quite agree with this at all.  I don't like the way it sounds. But I really know it's all I want.

I think I miss love.

When i'm depressed, I forget everything that makes me happy. Everything. I didn't want to go to the gym, and i did, and i'm gald. I didn't want to smoke up, because i believed it wouldn't make me happy, and I did, and i'm glad.

Morning

I feel like I woke up happy. I'm starting to believe, that being depressed, is a choice. A choice that I make to feel. Because I believe I should feel it. Right now I feel like I'm depressed. It's strange. I feel like I could cry on command. Ah well. Work.

Tonight

My head feels heavy. I can't sleep really. I wonder if i'm getting that side effect. I felt an easy stomach all night. My head was dizzy slightly at times. Hah, eyes. I bent over and had a head rush. We can share them now. I'm sitting here, feeling. Heavy. I can't get Tonight out of my head by lykke li. It's beautiful.

I spoke with my cousin/brother today. He came home from a break at work. I found him on the couch. He's always really interested to hear my adventures with meeting girls. I don't think he knows how much it takes out of me. I told him I was depressed. He told me he knew. Probably from his mom, from my mom. I opened up conversation about it by asking him how it was when he took them. He told me he was on Zoloft and it made him feel numb.  I told him I was on lexapro just for two days now. We talked about life. The way he sees things. The way he got out of his rut. He said he just got used to living. He got used to being in that way. And it just eventually stopped. I wonder if that will happen to me. I believe it wont. That's my crux. Wish I could believe otherwise. We talked about life and he made me happy. He made me see a way out of the depression. But i've lost it now. It had to do something with goals. Always be going toward a goal. I'm going to write them down on my dry erase board now.

GOALS
-move out
-become a pilot
-gain weight
-good grades
-graduate
-draw something beautiful
-find something you love.
-converse with a stranger each day

I should be eating. Shite.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Don't you let me go let me go tonight.

Carrying on.

My head is getting a little heavy. questioning if the medication works to prolong emotions post-experience in your head.

Morning After

I took lexapro yesterday at 2 pm. You get the full effect after 2 weeks. I felt great an hour and a half afterward. By great.. I mean.. I didn't have that haze. that cloud. I felt some clarity.

The first few moments after taking the pill you don't feel anything. Than after a few minutes I started to get dizzy. I got easily irritated by anything. I ate right after the pill and I felt a little bit upset in the stomach. Not nauseous, some other kind of pain. Than after about 2 and a half hours, bliss.

Now begin
a new path.

Sunchild texted me once yesterday. I messaged twice. Hm. wonder what that means. I was too afraid to message her more but I probably shouldn't care. She's very careless. Then againnn.. Her conversations are pretty boring. I wonder what she'll think of me when I tell her I'm on meds.

I slept next to Sunchild last night. It was something that was- Confusing. Off. Skewed. Misplaced. My mind is still trying to wrap itself around the whole experience. It's hard because I'm realizing the detachment issues I have with this new found paranoia. I could barely leave her this morning. The night began with her and me texting:


Our Protagonist: Lol not much starvvvinnggg ( didn't send )
Our Protagonist: Are you in Sparta by any chance?
Sunchild: No why whats Up?
Our Protagonist: Didn't get my txt? Ar! I said i'm starvvving was gonna ask if you wanted to go somewhere to grab something to eat lol
Sunchild: Well your welcome to come to Rome and i'll make you somethin!
Our Protagonist: Really!
Our Protagonist: Idk if this is weird but hm would you mind if i crashed there? Id hate driving back tired haha...
Sunchild: Well I didn't think you would come lol iI don't have any food to cook here. But your welcome to come anyways. And yeah you can stayy
Our Protagonist: Haha well i'm feeling better ill grab something on the way if i come.. but wait is it cool if i do? lol
Sunchild: Yes lol.
9:00

I drove for an hour and a half. Rome was far from Sparta. The entire way down, I realized how I have such an adept control of time. How when I want something so bad, time just erases itself from meaning. I had no conception of the drive. It felt like only a moments time.

I pulled up to her house after having missed her street but I turned down the next road and realized it was a horseshoe. Her house was right on the water, I found that out in the morning. I jutted my head out eagerly around in my car looking for the house number. 42. The lights were on. In the back. The front was as dark as the inside of a coffin. I walked up to the door, calling her. Nothing. 10 minutes past, with a dog barking at 10:30 at night. I felt porch lights go on behind me.

I said to myself. "Fuck Sunchild you better have not fell asleep on me, I'd be pissed."

I thought in my head, I wouldn't be. Because I don't give two shits about my own life. I knocked on the door once. The dog began barking. He ran up to the fence behind me. I attempted not to look creepy. It was a ghost town, the air was dead silent, I could nearly hear my heart beat. 2 minutes, I knock again. The dog seemed to bark louder and it felt like he was jumping. I didn't dare turn around, I was hoping not to see the faces of the pissed off neighbors coming out of their door to see who was disturbing their sleep. She opened the blinds peering out. She opened the door.

The conversations we have are.. Strange. She doesn't give any feed back. She's like a leaf in a river. Aimless, without self-direction. Going forward in life without having the urge to fight it. She didn't care about a lot of things. Every time I asked her opinion, it seemed she had no answer, an inability to come up with an independent voice. She would say I keep putting her on the spot while breaking a smile. She looked stuck maybe because of the anxiety I put in her.

We laid we talked. About everything Anything. I had to spark most the conversation. She had little motivation in creating entertainment that night. Eventually, after some conversation, she had an urge to smoke a cig from the pack of cigarettes I bought for her earlier. We got in her car because she stated her fear of getting bit by mosquitoes. We got on the topic of her past relationships, I found that it really interested her, so I, eager and already tirelessly stabbing for some emotion in her all night, finally had a goal achieved. I was hungry for everything in her life. She mentioned about her X-boyfriend Alex, a marine. He cheated on her several times. And I poised myself prominently, and gave her my undivided attention. She spoke for about an hour a half about all the relationships she had with boys, her relationship with her mother, her father, and her best friends.

When I originally came I didn't know where I was going to sleep. I didn't put much thought into it. Knowing her she didn't either. We were on the bed, she was laying down. She teased me about something, so i teased her back. I crawled closer to her in the bed pushing my body against hers trying to push her off the bed. It was the first time she really felt my touch. She never broke character. I didn't believe her acting. I knew she liked it. We got closer and closer through some subtle moves and phrases.

Eventually it came to me saying, "You can't go to sleep, I'll make it awkward."

She, un-phased even by a freight train breaking through the house, spoke "Whatever." She grew a playful smile.

I wrapped myself around her like I used to X. My arm around her, my leg around her just below her hips. She didn't even flinch. She was so, laid back. We broke off and on off and on. Holding each other. I only knew Sunchild for less then a week. Eventually I started gesturing for her to hold my hand. I began teasing her and making her laugh tons.

Our Protagonist: Is it weird I really want to kiss you right now?
Sunchild: No. (trying to fight a smile.)
Our Protagonist: Move your arm.

I kissed her.

I slowly raised from the bed, placing myself gently ontop of her, barely leaving my weight. At first, I made sure the only part she felt pressure from me was on her lips. I moved in so slow and close as I gently met the shape of her mouth to match mine and cupped her lips. I moved my neck in a passionate sway. Slowly angling my head up forcing her head to press into the pillow slightly. I just barely tickled the tip of her lip with my tongue. And she began to mirror my lead. I paused. I broke momentum and looked into her eyes to see how she felt in the moment. I wanted to see in her the passion that I was giving, she held a look of someone who was dying of thirst. My lips were a fountain. She realized I was staring at her smiling, she broke shy. I wanted her to crave the kiss and to value the time we were engaged. To make scarce the opium of love.

After a few moments of sharing lips and caressing, I leaned off of her, and she immediately turned away. We kissed moments after she told me she was very tired and wanted to sleep. I mentioned about how I was afraid if we kept kissing, it'd lead to what she wanted. She mentioned "I don't know how i'm controling myself right now." We slept, the last thing I said, "I don't know how I'll fucking sleep, I've gotten far too excited." She laughed.

I slept only for 3 hours. I felt completely energized, despite being sick earlier the day before. It was as if... I finally got what I was asking for. A wish that I had ever since I broke up with X. To have someone to hold and love and have them appreciate me without any doubt. It felt. Wrong. I felt confused. Why was I treating her like X? I felt like picked up exactly where I left off. I treated her like I knew her for years. I spoke to her as if we'd been together for a long time. I held her so tight. I held her like I missed her. Like I knew she'd find out I was just resuming where I once was. That the way I learned to hold a woman, wasn't from her. I felt the strong need to hold her but a strong distaste in doing it.

Throughout the morning she was too tired to get  up. She kept sleeping facing away from me. I massaged her back while she was trying to sleep. I slowly moved my thumbs in a circular motion up and down her back while she laid on her side. I looked at her Buddhist Ohm tattoo on her back and kissed it. She gave a few silent "Mmm"s. I followed the line of her body with my hands, bringing my body close to hers. What was I doing? I barely even know her. This isn't something out of lust. This is something that someone does out of love. I began kissing her on her shoulder. I laid back to my position and told her to turn over towards me. She looked at me with her bright blue eyes and dark eyeliner. Hah, I think I didn't mention she has kryptonite. Dark hair blue eyes. She looked at me and we talked a little quietly with my arm around her. She embraced my body. We playfully played in the bed me trying to kiss her lips her not wanting too because of morning breath. I pretended to wrestle with her because she told me she took MMA classes. I let her hold me at full guard and told her to try and stop me from moving. Full guard being me between her legs. I lifted up the blanket and swiftly placed my self with her legs at my side, slowly pressing in against her body. I kissed her at her neck. because she wouldn't kiss me with her lips. I climbed up her neck to her chin and eventually she gave in. I began to give in to my urges and started gently pushing my self against her body. I pressed myself just below my hips against her trying to stimulate her while kissing.  Without any further development in the situation, I gave up with a loud sigh.

Our Protagonist: "Fuuuuuuck haha."
She laughed.

It came close to 10. I told her I needed to leave. She said I'll walk you. She said it so soon so sudden. My paranoia took over. She hates me. We walked over to the door taking small breaks to kiss in her room and by the door. She grabbed a sticker to place on her car.  We stood outside fidgeting with the sticker and she told me she was going to portugal in 5 days. I didn't know it was so soon. I told her I needed to really enjoy this moment. We hugged once. We said goody bye. We talked. We huged twice. We kissed more. We said good bye. I took a few steps. She still fidgeting while putting the sticker on.

Our Paranoia: Are you going to think of me?
Sunchild: I will.
She grew a promising smile.
Our Paranoia: Alright..
I stood there looking very needy, coming back from the steps I took.
Our Paranoia: Sorry this is another thing about me.. I'm just horrible with good byes.
We hugged three times. We kissed one last. I began taking steps away but didn't want to. The steps I take away from someone are always steps toward the darkness. The storm.

I need Lexapro.
Yes Lex:
I don't want to leave anyone, because when i'm alone i hate life.
Last longer in the sack! 14% chance.
I won't hate life.
I'll have my self again.
I won't have anxiety.
No Lex:
I might lose myself.
My beliefs might change.
My friends might not like me on the Lex
I'd be dependent


You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

At first I thought that quote was relevant. It's not. Haha, ah well. I love that quote.

Internal

It's incurable. I'm almost sure of it now. I thought of going back with X. I thought of how awesome things were. I thought of us together doing the shit we do. I summed it up. I did the math. Even X couldn't take me back where I once was. That height, I will never achieve again.

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Pro

Pro who?

Lexapro.