Studied with Stars, and her friend Si. I spent about 4 or 5 hours with them running through questions. I caught Stars glancing at me with her bright green eyes a few times. When we said our farewells, both of them immediately jumped to say goodbye to me like I was fun to be around. I literally spoke maybe 10 words in that amount of time. I'll never be able to figure out why i'm so fucking awkward. I need to be me. I need to do what I do if they like they like it.
 |
| Jersey Sky. |
I blew up on the ride home. I fucking lost my head. I couldn't feel anything but frustration and distress. I txted Jobro and told him i wanted to shoot my self. I don't know if i was serious or not. I told him it was because of my ADD, which kind of is indirectly right. The add is caused by my anxiety. Jobro and his girlfriend talked a lot into me. I'm not to sure what. But it helped. I realize now: I need people there for me to support me for what I need and to have the people who love me know me inside out.
I realized on the ride home as i walked back into my house that i've always been preoccupying my head with noise, music. trying to drown my thoughts instead of feeling what i had to feel. I always blast music while i'm writing. while i'm driving. while i'm walking. while i'm in my room. while i'm sleeping. while i dress for the day. while i eat breakfast. even when i'm in the bathroom i turn the fan on because i'm afraid of the silence. the fucking cold, dead, flat, silence. I'm not listening to anything now, and i think that the music may have contributed to my add. my brain was never turned off. I probably threw a couple wrenches in the cogs. I need to let go of the fear. let go of my grip. i should just stop fighting this feeling of loss of gravity.
Onward.
Maybe they
ReplyDeletewere actually
grateful
of
your presence
and the enthusiasm
they showed
when they said
bye was
because they
actually
wanted more time
with you.
Did you
ever
think of the
odds of
that?
Next
time say
just the
right amount.
Ask casual
questions
if you
need to
just don't let the
anxiety take
over.
Don't let it
speak for
you
even though
it
speaks
nothing.
They weren't. I spent the day with them again today, they were preoccupied with what I should be. School.
ReplyDeleteBut how
ReplyDeleteare you
so sure
what
they
were
thinking
at all?
The way the look, the way the talk. their actions speak to me, without them knowing. Awkwardness, i know far to well, it's something I have never left too far away.
ReplyDeleteAre you
ReplyDeletegoing
to
chance yourself
again?