I Realize.

Who i used to be. I used to be someone who had accomplished all challenges that i deemed fit. And since i accomplished the challenge of love, well. What else is there? Maybe that's why i've been such a miss.. Hereafter.

A Day In A Blink

I constantly look at the things i could have been doing. A fucking monotonous train of self-doubt.

I'm going to waste my day. I'm going to sit in my bed and wait for boredom to strike.

To see if i can still feel it.

Sleeping. To.

What is it you Crave?

I saw a girl today that struck me deep at my bone. She wore skinny jeans. She had a white knit beanie. Her shirt was somewhat loose and swayed when she walked. And. She. Wore. Big. Fucking. Glasses. With long blonde hair, and a tiny frame, but tall like a model. I stood in awe, as she possibly couldn't fathom. She walked with a friend who faded from view as she walked while my lights dimmed and as the spotlight grew. It encircled around her like how I imagined the shape of the moon would shine on you as a kid. She lay her arm in a loose swagger.

God damn, I ran openers in and out of my head. I couldn't think of any except saying: Hey I dig your glasses, they're super sexy. Maybe replacing sexy with cute. Sexy would be strong, but my mind can't think that far ahead.

Ever since I drank last tuesday my mind feels like it got white washed from all the knowledge i had about approaching women. And not giving a shit. I think i need a refresher.

I hope I regain what I spent learning right before that night. I really did feel like i lost it the next two following days. I felt the fucking rut. The fucking trench of my own personal world war, slowly being filled with eviscerating mustard gas.

The last post about time however, seems to have helped me get through some shit. I kind of feel like i'm going back to sanity. Kind of getting back on track. However, I feel it's limiting abilities. Not willing to risk myself as I usually did. I think I need a motivational speech again.

Carpe-THE FUCKING-diem:
You live once. REALIZE YOUR FUCKING WORTH AND NEVER UNDERESTIMATE IT. You fucking make shit fun. You fucking make people laugh until they cry. You are a fucking lightning bolt that strikes the earth and succesfully accomplishes your life goal: TO LEAVE A DENT IN THE WORLD YOU LEFT BEHIND. Seriously. You can make any situation a fucking end of a rainbow. Better than a pot of gold. SO step. 1 know your worth.
You can only fuck so many times at the age of 22. So fucking make some mistakes. Get magic school bus up in this shit. Go speak your word. Go onward to make the dumbest jokes in the world. Just KNOW AND BE the reason why you ACT. Than my friend, YOU ARE FUCKING INDESTRUCTIBLE. UNSTOPPABLE. INCONCEIVABLE. GRAMMA LIKE A HAMMA - INFORMATION RECEIVABLE.

A rationale to forever remember: So what if you look like an ass, if you look like a loser, if you look like an outcast, if you look like you have no friends, if you look like you have no life, if you look like your boring. Just do, because you know you're only going to be 22 once. You know there's only so many moments of your life left. You know that sitting around and not taking a chance to get hit isn't going to make you stronger so you. Point being, never stop trying to achieve. Never Stop Trying. IF YOU DO, It's going to leave you at your same surmounted worth. Staying in this little petrified box is going to make you enjoy your life so much less. BURN THE FUCKING WALLS DOWN.

So the next time a girl comes by. You say: Excuse me, Hey my name is Dave what's yours? AND FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING HEART. AND KNOW YOUR REASON. AND DON'T FILL YOUR MIND WITH DOUBTS. ONLY DREAMS OF LAUGHTER AND FOREVER AFTER.

Displaced heart.
i'm sorry if i'm coming off weird or something just learning how to be a better person you know? Like how many times do you walk by someone wishing to turn back time to say something?

Don't Give a Fuck About Time Wasted

It is meant to spent.

I've lost my Marker.

Literally.

I use this marker to write things on my dry erase board backing to my computer desk. I keep things on it like movies i want to see, musical notes in order, the major and minor chord progressions, and most importantly and what i use it most for: telling me things i'll forget. like now i wish i could write.

don't be afraid.
what happened to confidence?
your major flaw is acceptance.

god damn i'm in such a fucking rut for some reason. I have this instinctual feeling to go back to- The feeling of course is de-fucking-pression. Everytime i'm with my friends everything is awesome. When they leave i feel like it's the end of the world. I leave the world and live in my head. And claw the fucking walls looking for someone to talk to.

I want a girlfriend.

Oh and the only fucking thing i can think of right now that would get me out o the depressed mood is beating off. Jesus the hell is wrong with me?

7 and a half hours later:

I'm still drunk. holy fuck/ i'm still spinning and i'm typing with a toothbrush in my mouth... what the fuck happened last night? My knees hurt like a mother fucker.

Recollection:

I passed my nursing final just barely by the skin of my teeth.. 2 points. Not litterally skin but hey whatever 2 points is super close. Africa failed out of the program. Kryptonite cried, but passed. I met Georgia in the library and we talked a bit about hanging out. I went out with Carebare to celebrate, but originally i was invited with my nursing friends, who i'll call the Trio. Mannn.. we went to a huge bar near the beach with at least 300 people. it was very intense. I tried helping carebare break his social anxiety like i had, it's funny mine goes away when i sense anothers. Zohanna broke up with him a little while ago and just got a new boyfriend today and he was real upset about it. So i told him i'd say anything to any girl so he'd feel better. I said something to a group of different girls but mannnnnn was i drunk. I don't know what i said and one of the trio and carebare saw me. Fuck. super. drunk. still now. I caught some girl we went to highschool with on the way out, we somehow engaged in conversation. well at least she did with carebare.. she said she had yellow fever... I was probably screaming "well i'm half asian."  We went into a huge conversation leaving carebar to the side, her guy friend who i think was after her, her girl friend. She pulled out korean plum juice from nowhere and gave it to me and we started talking about koreans and all this crazy shit and I got her number.. which i'm sure is not in my phone like i thought i typed it in, oh and she was Greenlatern's distant cousin. I think I remember a super tight hug. thinking back i don't want her number... hahah... any girl who says that shit is like eh.. but whatever. Man  i need some electrolytes and water.


10 beers 1 dollar beers, 1 shot of sweet stuff, 2 glasses of 85 dollar champagne, 7 or more swigs of bacardi rum. Well no wonder im' still drunk.

excuse the drunk

I'M DRUNKJ, .

don't you forget that i'ver havent been so drunk in so long. care bare drepve , e whome and i feel likea mess the wordld is pspinning and your the only thoght that gives emeeeee solae i wisi there waws more to rgiht bu t i will definitel y try to takt to you in yhtin  int morning,                      no worries/ i will def try otto talk t oyou/ sprry  o w asmt pm tpmogjt pr wjatever/ o jp[ehp[e we s,ele and surf...@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yeah hly fuck im' drunk.

I'm sleeping to this:

I know Music can make me ignore life. But I want a lullaby.

Courtesy?

I question, you courtesy.
When I sat there today,
i did not want to stay.

Stars asked if i was
going to come today.

I did. we did.
We jumped on record
to spin and spin
with the beautiful noise
Of intelligence

But i was struck.
I felt lack of love
In the things I did not

I meant to say:
Hey, im going to leave
I can't study.
I'll be somewhere.

I realized
i should have said:
This isn't what I wanted.
I think i just meant
to hangout with you.

But i could not be true.
I sat and stayed,
to be gast and frayed.

Theorize

In beautiful "A" style

The lack of use of
brain function
for remembering
common tasks
enables
the
mind
to
wander.

To
wander
far
across boundaries
where it should not be.

To
do
what
is
right
will always
feel good.

The
heart
serves the
present.

The
mind
serves the
future.

Silent Music

Studied with Stars, and her friend Si. I spent about 4 or 5 hours with them running through questions. I caught Stars glancing at me with her bright green eyes a few times. When we said our farewells, both of them immediately jumped to say goodbye to me like I was fun to be around. I literally spoke maybe 10 words in that amount of time. I'll never be able to figure out why i'm so fucking awkward. I need to be me. I need to do what I do if they like they like it.

Jersey Sky.

I blew up on the ride home. I fucking lost my head. I couldn't feel anything but frustration and distress. I txted Jobro and told him i wanted to shoot my self. I don't know if i was serious or not. I told him it was because of my ADD, which kind of is indirectly right. The add is caused by my anxiety. Jobro and his girlfriend talked a lot into me. I'm not to sure what. But it helped. I realize now: I need people there for me to support me for what I need and to have the people who love me know me inside out.

I realized on the ride home as i walked back into my house that i've always been preoccupying my head with noise, music. trying to drown my thoughts instead of feeling what i had to feel. I always blast music while i'm writing. while i'm driving. while i'm walking. while i'm in my room. while i'm sleeping. while i dress for the day. while i eat breakfast. even when i'm in the bathroom i turn the fan on because i'm afraid of the silence. the fucking cold, dead, flat, silence. I'm not listening to anything now, and i think that the music may have contributed to my add. my brain was never turned off. I probably threw a couple wrenches in the cogs. I need to let go of the fear. let go of my grip. i should just stop fighting this feeling of loss of gravity.

Onward.

A fucking touch of infinity

why am i impulsive to be repulsive. the fucking feeling in my head is out the window. i'm growing weary. eyes fucking dropping like the weight of a garage broken from it's chain. the death of a bird in flight. can you feel it's wake in the water. where the waves stave away? when the night calls, theyll come crawling.but first to flaunt and gawk amongst one another. the drugs they take have killed my friends. they have stolen hearts. they have blinded eyes. the fucking sweet percipitation grows a deep fucking stank within my skull where my thoughts are brewing. i write without purpose. without lines. without direciton. i'm just fucking blind.as blind as a fuck the drugs in which i do not partake. to fucking fall in line i have miss stepped. the steep step where you cannot go back. because time is only one direction. i'm really on the brink arent I? the brink of being lost. the brink of having darkness in every direction. the fucking walls have fallen. oh how the mighty will never walk again. the incessant beating the incessant drum. the lack of change despite my devotion. the fucking intensity forever increases but with out climax it does not explode but do I? --with sullen eyes, that do not look for life i     .

the world won't stop spinning.

breaking records

starting here.

The Green Lantern

GL and I go way back. Far back. Back to the days when fart jokes were gold. When girls had cooties and where stick fights determined law. Harry potter was read more than the bible. I had a huge Afro and wore poorly fitting clothes. We fuckin' spent all spring break of 04' in my 8x10ft room playing World Of Warcraft for the first time, passing out in our computer chairs to the sound of orchestrated war music. We woke up eagerly waiting rink a can of soda for the next line of quests.God damn I miss how simple things used to be. Before I grew insatiable.

I spoke to him for the first time in almost 5 years after he posted pictures of us of drinking in my basement. It was summer, the hot precipitation of the night lingers forever in memory. The stank musk with the heavy air in my basement still gives me flashbacks of those days. There was a picture of me holding my hands out presenting the blood coming from my head. GL had thrown a bottle of 151 at my head completely wasted. He had a sick sense of humor then. He still does today I found out.

After a long conversation of reminiscing about the dark days of high school, we planned to hang out. Fucking STRUCK.

Can You?

Picture from my film camera and photoshop'd some letters on it.

Scratch

Going to hangout with Greenlantern today. I think I might be clinically depressed after coming down off the vyvanse. Dysthymia. As this one website put it. "A less intense type of depression that involves long-term, chronic symptoms that are less severe, but keep one from functioning at full ability and from feeling good."

Maybe it's the weather. I can't tell. I looks like a hurricane outside. Wonder how the hell me and GL are going to someplace to go while it's raining like a beast.

I'm not trying to attain my needs. I question texting Stars or Georgia today. I don't know what i'll say. But I need conversation.

Death of Acceptance. Unedited

Exist
It's time to begin
Life has shown you no mercy
Feel no remorse for
things that never come
Take no thought
Of the state of balance

You waste your life
At the consent of others
Take from the world
As much as you have given

Stop before you lose breath and soul.

Give no coin to the wealthy
As you would hold no praise
for a painting in the dark

Savor your beat, for the girl you know is waiting.
Without imperfect words you will speak to find her and need not be on your knees

Shadow

On vyvanse.

The high of vyvanse makes me feel like a fucking king. I feel identical to the guy in limitless. It's really something much similar to the way he protrays it.. at least when your on your upper end. Well Let's Begin, Shall We?

Shadow, I feel you lurking.
hear you breathing.
behind my door
I search for meaning.

Digging fingers into soul,
stealing satisfaction.
Screaming:
"There will be no satiety in your heart
While I'm still breathing."

He breaks into cancer
leaving me,
Lethargic and in stupor.

Am I never to be awakened?
As I walk with feet
standing in the room where he keeps me
As I eat a fine meal,
Searching for its taste.
As I spend time with friends
Smiling cheek to cheek, attempting to cry.
Oh dear Shadow,
won't
you
just
fucking
die?

My Table Is a Fucking Mess

I forgot the filters

everything that made things

focus

At one point I could see

me

as flawless,

something of

beauty

and now, well,

i'm nothing

but.

Bramble

Fish

I always wanted to record myself of what i write to see how it would feel:





I hate how fucking dumb people can be and have so much more than I do.

I can literally speak to people seeing their every thought run through their head.

I break in between their words and find focus on their eyes.

The action of them looking at me is something of reflex.

Their eyes are like a fish's when gasping for breath out of water.

Blank.

They don't think.

They don't have any extra thought besides what's in front of them.

They just feel.

They act selfish.

They don't exist in mind, only in body.

I'm disgusted.

Everything Will Be Alright.

Tuesday

A

                                                I think of
                                             how i'm simple
                                         To spite the one i've
                                     never met. I will show you
                             that all feats can   be achieved.despite
                         how lazy you might      be. i think of how you
                        say a "D" is hard to          write so i'll laugh with
                     you when you see                this thing that brings us
                  delight. The shape of this "A" might be a little disfigured
               but look, no one's perfect. Cut me some slack, your L looks
              Like it is a big Christmas stocking with a bunch of boxes and
             little things that are                               kinda square shaped in it.
           I hope you think that                              This is easier to accomplish
          Once you are at this                                  point in reading because
         i'm running out of stuff                                 To write about my stinky
        perfume friend, who's                                     name is fucking "Artichoke."

Puzzles.

Love is innate. It is guided by things out of our control. You may think you can control it. but you can't.

it's the fucking unfathomable puzzle piece so intricately designed to fit to where ever the hell it does. And it will.

But one thing that we all must know: No puzzle piece is as unique as you think it is.

We will think that it is unique and will believe this to our death. However, we cannot conceive the idea of having another piece that fits as well as it does. It is out of thought, it is out of existence -Until we actually collide with that other perfectly fitting piece. THE ONLY WAY WE CAN FIND THESE PIECES IS IF WE LOOK TO FIND THEM.