Simplistic

I feel like for the past few weeks or so, I've been trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. It was like the reasons I desperately look for are like the little squares and sparkles on the opposite end in a collideoscope. One way or another I, somehow, completely distort my perception of anything.

It was like everything I was trying to figure out was just. Mush. I couldn't think clearly because I constantly devoted a portion of my brain to create this stupid cognitive collideoscope. I have some moments of clarity but it is rare. I find it showing it's face every other day just to say hello.

I was thinking of a bunch of things to write in my car. They brought me happiness. I'll try back tracking from the hospital.. Let me right my end result before i forget it. "Clarity, no need for rational, no need for logic, no need for an over praised moral statement." "Just raw emotion." "Reminded you of how you used to be." "To be so utterly happy and just spread the joy."

So there I was. Sitting on the tile in our dimly lit corner of the maternity floor. Africa was sitting across from me; I still scrape the bottoms of her feet for attention. It felt like my mind had finally lost it. My heart and mind argued the entire night. My body started show signs that it was fed up. The entire night I felt like it was an incredible effort to put up a smile. I felt like shit, and I didn't want to accept it. She left without looking twice, I looked several. I sat there in the parking lot for a good five minutes. Fully embracing that frown that felt like hooks overpoweringly guided by 3 ton weights. I don't know what I thought. I don't think I did. I just looked into my heart and took all it had to give.

Resolution to Africa
"The whole thing that's so frustrating about it, is knowing that we work. And I know in my heart that we would. We would work like fucking clock work. She loves, I love, we love. I easily make her happy and I know she appreciates it. All I think about every moment we spend with each other is how can I make her laugh next. How can I make her life better. There is no consideration of myself. Only her. But, in such a great distaste, she spites all that we could have. I mistake her disappointment for pain, tenfold, when I walk away from the masterpiece I paint for her daily. She doesn't want anything to do with me but wants me to like her, absurd to say the least. "

I FIND PLEASURE IN SENSE. I felt so good on the way home because (i somehow accepted) i made sense of feeling like shit. Because i know show likes me, and she knows i like her and she says it's not enough.

"Synchronize the heart and mind."

"To act different than mind is a scratch, to act different than heart is fatal."

"Keep balance in action, and think of the actions of attraction and why they fit."
+I grow tired of Africa, she grows interest.


Follow your heart, but you need to realize what the heart and mind do. What they are able to do.

"Don't give love and appreciation unless it is deserved. Don't take the time of day to text Africa and make her happy when all she does is meekly return just a fraction of what is given. Speak and make actions that will surely return a solid happiness or preferred answer."

"Show proper answers to the equation. Show distaste and loss of love. Show her what you feel, show her the outcome of her action. Overcome altering instinct and let your feelings be unguided, unchanged, and pure. Your inhibitions further exacerbate clarity. If she comes to you, she likes you. Tell her, Well if you like me why don't you show it?"

I'm happy because I'm finally reaching neutrality; harmony.

It is because I'm becoming consistently able to recognize that I'm finally coming to the end of her road.