Monday, June 30, 2014

Hello Old Residence

Back home.

It feels strange as it should, seeing as to how I'm now in the newly renovated basement. I felt my day being wasted earlier. But now, being here, I feel slightly different. I've been pretty up on the endorphins the past two days. It's been phenomenal. Right now I'm on the fence, but hey, It's better then being on the shit side.

I believe I'm yearning for some human existence.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

With truth we see the world we live in

I realized I can't because I don't want to.

I wanted to show my taste in music to friends and put on lykke because I knew it'd be good. Especially with how deeply i felt for the one song. Now it's the epitome of bitter sweet. I lost focus in the distance reminiscing of the times we spent.

Pathetic.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Still

I can't believe how often I still think of you.

there literally has not been a single day where I haven't thought about you. I just come across things that we've spoken about before. I come across things you used to love. We used to love.

My most recent trigger was an old email that I found. I incidently clicked on a Google plus group category where I saw your address.  The email had a display message as a preview.  it read: "mike better back off." I forgotten what it was like to be cared about. To be desired. I was filled with an empty emotion. Everything with your name turned to an allergy I had to avoid. A painting I can no longer enjoy.

I must admit, a few days ago, I came utterly close to contacting you. I was watching a movie remake of an old Korean cult classic. More than likely a movie you wouldn't give the time for. But in that remake was an actress who you dearly admired for her beauty. I remember watching the horror movie you loved staring our actress.  We would joke and exclaim everytime the camera gave a shot down her shirt. In the remake there was an actual sex scene with her in it. You wouldn't believe how sexy she was. And my god that naked body. You were right, her tits were fucking godly. I thought of  how you needed to see it.

I contemplated if it would be okay to send just a simple email saying I thought you would enjoy this,  stating the time of the scene  and a link to the movie. It would make me happy to know I made you happy. And it was something I thought I could do and still remain completely distant. I knew it would be impossible if you responded. How easily I would get trapped in you again. I thought of how you were probably in love with someone else by now. My mind shut off at the idea. I repressed the thought with the full weight of a scarred heart.

I know your too beautiful to stay alone. Darling you take care of yourself you hear?

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Movies

I just watched a movie on Netflix. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It began really interesting, as it was a movie about an apocalypse where people had to preserve the human race. I loved watching the scenarios.

However by the end of the film I couldn't help but ask what the fuck did I just watch?

The fucking ending of the movie just seems so completely out of a blind side. The whole premise was about a teacher asking his students to find a way to save the human race using philosophy.

They first went through 2 different scenarios guided through word of mouth by the professor and basically fuck both of them up killing everyone and the human race ends up not surviving. They chose very reasonable actions by preserving important people and casting off useless people with no survival skills. Still despite the right choices they fail.

but in the third experiment one of the students the smartest one, decides to not take the most valuable people ie builders, leaders, carpenters, etc. Into the bomb shelter and take all the artistic hippie useless people. The useful and successful people at surviving in the post apocalyptic environment then get exiled to go roam on a boat. The experiment then shows to have the people in the bunker having fun and truly living their lives to an extent. Which is all great fun and all but in the end the teacher kept reinforcing how they would just die off anyway. The smartest student now no longer trying to refute the professor just goes on telling a story about how they just had a good time. They then leave the safe bunker where they've been living from the radioactive fallout and then the teacher says they would die off because they don't possess the necessary skills to survive. The smart student then says it doesn't matter because we would accept death and kill ourselves. The movie portrays this as the correct way to answer the philosophical situation. But really it doesn't matter if the goal was to survive?? It's as if the last 15 minutes of the movie has completely changed the plot to just getting one up on the teacher avoiding his question of how to survive and just pissing him off. Random as fucking hell but okay...

After the smart one explains that they would kill themselves the professor then became spiteful and says that he would kill the one who could kill everyone off by detonating a bomb to save their lives... The students then portrayed that they would prevent the professor from killing him and killed everyone all together. And that was the end of the fucking experiment...  So what the fuck was the point of that?

One student then speaks to contribute to what happened to the people who were exiled. He tells the story of how the three other men he was with died and he was alone with six other women. He then went on to say that he would find an island and continue fucking all of them  eventually getting them pregnant despite his sterility.

The teacher doesn't say anything of value and then adjourns class reminding everyone to turn in a textbook on the way out. The smart one who is a female is the last one to leave . Before leaving the room she closes the door and locks it.

She then reveals that she and the professor were in a relationship and that the whole experiment was to piss off her boyfriend . You then find out that she's going to leave for college and see the professor trying to reason her to stay. She basically says no and leaves. The next few scenes are then just of the professor contemplating A. Eating a sandwich at his desk B. Opening a shelf to a gun and killing himself and then C. Just sitting at his desk doing nothing.

ANDDDD CUE THE CREDITS.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Grasp

Keep walking forward.
Hold out the pain.

You'll have the world one day, I promise you.

What is it you really want?
Love?
You don't even know what it entails anymore.
Focus on what makes you happy.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Wake up

Cry because your a child
Because you don't know what to do
That life is too hard.
Telling me you must give up.

It's time to make mistakes.
To find regrets.
Because they don't matter at all.
Taking action is your only step.
Your breakfast lunch and dinner.
And you'll learn and you'll cope.
And you'll find your worth more than gold.

So fuck them if they don't see like you do.
Fuck them if they can't hold a conversation
Fuck them because they are but a blip in your life and will not define who you are.

Only a month?

Edit: a broken mind, it seems to have ended in the late days of March...
April.. May... June.. Its been three.
Where has the time gone? Oh how deep the mind can break.

I'm docile today.

I've no pain that's worth writing about and that's good.

The only thing I could think of was Tuesday. Its hard to believe I still think of her so often. Its bad that I do. One day I'll stop. Or at least hope I will.

Its really been less then a month. My god. Time is so slow. I feel like its been ages. I don't care. Its alright. Its the way it has to be if I'm to get better.

I feel like its why I'm taking so long to move forward in my life. Just.. Recovering from everything. 3 years? It was a relationship in my eyes. It felt like one. I devoted my emotions.

I feel waves of confidence every now and again, but to when I'll actually seek another is hard for me to say. I just don't have it in me right now. I have opportunities but I choose not to take them. Its not as if I haven't dared before.

I guess I'm afraid. Truly afraid. Crippled and unwilling to stand.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Crazy

Nothing would make me happier then to message you right now. - Fifteen minutes ago.

Disarray

My mind is all over.
I'm angry at my life
I'm upset I can't find value in life
I imagined going to an AA meeting and hearing myself speak.

I don't believe the steps can help me.

Life without drugs or alcohol fucking sucks.

I don't believe in god but I do believe in a higher power.

God wouldn't have devastated the people I cared about the most for no fucking reason.

He wouldn't have given me this weak personality that's overly empathetic to everyone just so I could feel their pain in my heart until I wished i couldn't feel anything anymore.

He wouldn't have made my mind forgetful of all things good that happen to me.

"That's you being ungrateful."

Who decides that? That I am ungrateful? Is it not god? He who gives you the strength to forgive people who hurt you can't give me the strength to respect myself? I would be grateful if I knew how to be. To express that emotion if I could fucking feel it.

Maybe i'm not grateful because I don't care about myself. Because I can't find reason to.

You need help.
You do care about yourself.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Dream

I fell in love in my dream.
I haven't had a dream where I truly felt love since I was a kid.
It was so pure, the feeling.
She had red hair and a spiteful personality.
She could make me laugh just by the mutter of a word.
I didn't like her at first and I didn't care for what we were.
And in that time I wasn't scared of speaking to her. I wasn't afraid of being an ass. I wasn't anxious as all hell.
I just enjoyed being around her.
We began spending more and more time together as the days went by.
I remember trying to grasp her hand for the first time.
I wasn't sure of how she felt but I felt like it was the right thing to do.
My advance made me swallow my heart. I was feeling the most unbearable crippling fear as I reached over to her.
But as I raised my arm, she quickly stepped into my reach letting my arm slide around her. She rested her head on my shoulder while holding me as we walked.
God that feeling.
I didn't even know if we were similar or held the same interest and views, but there was this connection that was so binding. Something so strong that it didn't matter who we were or what we thought, we were in love. We would go through great lengths for one another and sacrifice it all just to have this feeling.

I'll find you one day.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

ISO

I haven't spoken to a soul today.
I woke up to a poorly made bed soiled from sweat.
A muggy drizzle sat over my apartment pushing humidity throughout the confined air.
I was battling the pain of my stomach by trying to feed my mind. My cell phone had no messages. The internet had nothing but porn and words spoken thousands of times before.
I sat blindly in my chair feeling the pain with no motivation to eat or get dressed. I wondered if anyone else felt as I did in that moment.
I had waffles. Four of them. Just enough to make the pain go away.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Fight

Hold on.

The waves will be tall, fierce.

Stay forward, and keep sailing to the west.

Hold strong and persevere

It doesn't matter what happens on the voyage, just take hits as they come and follow the new direction your in.

Just like your old man taught you.

And don't let your fears tell you they are the only answers. Hope is still there with you. You just need to ignore the outcomes and open your eyes to what lies in front of you. You exist now not then.

God speed.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Eraser

Why do you care?

Because you're everything to me.

Well that sounds like your problem, seeing as to how I plainly just don't give a fuck.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Insurance

I do not care about myself
Because I am not a child.
I do not need to be coddled
Nor pampered.
I do not need to be catered to
Or filled with a sense of entitlement.
I am a human as you
Just without selfish tendency

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Kiss you

Folded 8 times
Like a stamp on leather
I couldn't stay dry
Even if I
wasn't pressing my skin
On this old dirty mattress
Old records of us still sound like
A new beginning.
But my dear thinking is sin
When the south is
a passionate heat.
Foretell the story where I miss the letter.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Spine

Need to wake up in three hours.

I can't sleep.

My spine is split

I stood into a hot needle prying my disc out of place as I do every month.

It hurts to sit, lay, and eat.

The only time I'm comfortable is if I'm inverted on an exercise ball with blood rushing to my head.

Fuckinf phenomenal.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Scowl

I can't take off this "fuck off"
Look from my face.
Personally, I don't think its
Doing me any favors.

Failure keeps echoing through
people are the only thing that matters.

I can't find a moment that is right
So I must make one.

My roommate managed to
Stay over some girls house last night.
He met her through an online hookup app.
Good for him.
I don't know how he manages it.
When I see him with women its overwhelming for me to watch.
He can't read body language and has no sense for awkwardness.
It truly is blissful to be blind.
I'm happy for him