Still

The skin on my body ages
The winter has come to pass
But my mind is burned
in thoughts of you.

Etched like the shadow
of a nuclear wake
I see the feelings I don't give up
Lacking rationalization and accepting
Codependency and degradation.

It'd be terrible, what I let you do.

Am I this.. Person who lacks all self respect? How did it come to be?

Maybe because all my efforts leave trails of failure.
All I am is not confirmed by anyone.
No one truly knows me in these words
Their presence helps only the character I portray
So what do I amount to?
Nothing.

I'm contemplating messaging Hazlet. she wanted to see me not too long ago. For coffee. I don't have any interest in her besides to fuck. But who knows? I've definitely done this once before to see if I feel anything. My major concern is hurting her. I can't take hurting others.

Titanic

Never mind, terrible ice breaker.

Sitting in my car believing there's a lack of creativity in my personality.

But I don't want to think about that.

I want to change my perspective.

Wrote this a few days ago

its only been a month.
and it feels like a year.
I miss piercing flesh
tasting the needle.
falling in a haze of you.

Deathly

Lonely.
L o n e l y.

Such a sweet word compared to the real
feeling.  What if I'll never connect with another human being? Am I not worthy of such a happiness?

I gave to take into consideration, I've only given up Tuesday a month ago. I've been holding her close for 3 years.

Maybe things will avail in time.

Therapy

How are you?

Uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I feel like never trying to find anyone ever.

Do you want to find someone?

I do.

Why?

Because I'm tired.

What? Tired?

Of everything. I guess its the only way I know how to connect to anyone.

And you can't connect to your friends.

I do sometimes, but its not enough. I've just never felt so alienated and xenoic. I feel like I won't ever connect to anyone. So why bother? I've always found my beliefs to be so far different from most. How could I possibly find someone like me?

Maybe you don't open up.

You're right that I don't. I'm too afraid to speak out how I feel because I know none of my friends will have any experience talking to me about the way I feel. They'll feel awkward and wouldn't know how to respond. I'll look weak and they'll question me.

Fuck this. Its all pointless bullshit.

I don't look for anyone anymore. Because I don't believe I can take the hits anymore. I hate most conversation with everyone unless it leads to a romantic relationship. I literally could not give any less of a fuck in dialogue if it doesn't relate to women, love, or relationships. I'm obsessed because its the only true thing I know to get me happy.

I am an island and the only person my mind allows to accept on it is a lover.

Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Befriend

To find a heart.

I'm afraid of relationships with my friends.

Its hard for me to get close.

I never say how I truly feel because I know they wouldn't understand.

That they would belittle my feelings.

"Then they're not your true friends"
Shut the fuck up you limited narrow minded fuck. Couldn't you think of anything else to say that actually carries value? Don't you think I've tried looking for friends that would deal with what i feel?

This makes me out to be malicious but the people who feel like I do, I don't relate to them. I don't like them. I judge them. They are poor, mistreat their bodies, have no sense of work ethic, and lack a will to push forward. They carry on conversation that is portrayed to have great value but they don't realize its fucking trivial to most.

I cannot find a connection.

This is why man loves stories of alienation.

I am still afraid to venture to find these "friends." The word cuts through me like a gun echoing in a hall. I get flooded with emotion and feel vulnerable.

Obsessed with you.
But I shouldn't be.
My cousin mentioned you.
I said I don't ever want to hear that name again.
I don't want to talk about it.

Physical

I've been repeating the word when I try to get out of my head.

An absent mind

Is one that knows solace.

Im thinking that maybe my over acting mind is due to all the nootropics I used to take for helping me get through school and personal wishes.

Maybe its my thyroid

Maybe its genetics.

Ah I'm crazy, nuff said.

Within tangent

My early life was spent happy. Happy because I just went ahead with what felt right. Believing that what felt right was right. And it was, it brought me friends and happiness and most importantly love. Following my innate instincts brought me to the top of the hierarchy.

I started to go wrong when my instincts became flawed. My emotions strayed from what was right. Now nothing feels right. I don't see the path anymore. Its no longer a trail in the sky to a passing plane but now an over grown forest with no sight of civilization. I've remained calm at best.

Tomorrows my first day at school again, I'm excited but wary that my heart will find hopes in beautiful women.

You're a failure.

You don't know me. I've failed but to what I will do is not factual. It never will be. It will forever be the choice I have at the moments time.

Still thinking.

Of her.

I probably will be until I find someone else.

That's fine, it isn't too problematic for my peace of mind. I wonder now if its just the idea of knowing how close it was.

I'm realizing I want to depersonalize the rest of my writing.

The idea of knowing how I could always go back to get some degree of intimacy. Something I yearn for. I often find my self defeating one sentence after another. I yearn for intimacy but despise it. I've taken plenty of risks. So save yourself the advice.

Knowing how easy it would be to send a message and more then likely get an answer makes me tempted.

I know its not worth it. But something in my mind keeps telling me that there's a chance that things will change.

Why would things change?

Because of what I could say.

What could you say that would change the way things are?

I could convince her to do more things with me to show her our chemistry and how we work.

But is it really enough to hold things together the way they are now?

No. It never was enough.

You knew that. And that she doesn't give you what you deserve. What you know others will.

But I have nothing else.

Make yourself strong. Strong enough to maintain happiness to overcome loss. Then you will be confident.

Happiness huh? Well that should be a wall in the park with this history.

You know you're getting better.

But to what degree?

I've taken away a step from sadness but what I have now.. Its absence. Absence of emotion. Never passionate, never sad. A place of limbo. Have I died?

You could think that. But you know this limbo you speak of isn't the end of your journey.

Then I will continue.
I love you.

I love you too.

I don't want to rationalize

I know it wouldn't work.
There's so many paths I could take
But something about the times we had
Have never made the darkness so faint.

I fight myself constantly to avoid thinking of you.

Life is happier that way

Humanity

"Step out of your comfort zone "
Fuck you.
"You should be happy"
Fuck you.
"Why don't you..."
Fuck you.
"You're too emotional, you always talk about real serious things all the time and I don't know how to handle that."
Its easy, go fuck yourself.

Denounce

I am bound by childishly immature chemicals.
They are the only attraction that beckons me to you.
A temporary succession of hormones
That make me starve for flesh.
That is what you amount to.
You provide me with no means to a better life
Closer to a higher state of being.
Nothing more than a complex machine
Vying for my existence, obscuring purity and efficacy to everything I am capable of.
You are an arduous burden I desperately refuse and wholeheartedly wish to embrace.

Memory

I'm coming to the idea that I choose to forget.
I choose to forget every interaction
I choose to forget every experience.
I only want to remember the pain and suffering
Of any encounter, relationship, or event.

Excision

Feeling hideous today.
I cut myself shaving the forlorn face in the mirror.
I changed the clothes I wore five times before leaving without checking what I was wearing.
I couldn't escape fast enough to leave my mind behind.

Od

All day I was filled with this sullen feeling. As if nothing would get better.

Nothing pleased me.

I ran through the memories in my head that made me feel alienating myself was a good choice.

Like following a magicians handkerchief, each painful memory would bring me to think of another endlessly.

Beat

Burn your bridges
Your friends
Need lies
No one can quell you
But drugs and
An urge to die