A Drug without the Obscenity

Obscenity. I don't know if i spelled that word right.

Today was mundayne. It was strange because it felt happy. until I took my medication of course. For some reason or another, I've it in my head that when I take my medication immediately after my day goes to shit. I've been taking it every other day now, trying to lower my levels.

I've so much shit to catch up with. I haven't seen my mother fucking doctor, i haven't seen my college counselor, I haven't been abiding to my contract for my


my eye hurts way more than usual. i just took my contact out and i can so easily imagine my sharp nail just cutting into the white of my eye. Digging in, scooping a portion of it out. Leaving nothing but a chunk of space where something should be. t's slowly filling up with blood now this space. it seepeed through some smal capilaries that lay just under the white. It's pooling up congealing closing uip the wound. My eyes are shut so excusae the errors if there ar. a constant squeal when the laptop gets asurge of a fcharge. Whe ni plug in the power to the wall it humms non stop. It's a dying cannary that steals your attention and focus. Throwingasdf

Fuck. i miss how elaborate my writing once was. I felt it was so much more focused then it is now. But i guess that's because of who i've become. I wonder if it reflects the type of person I am now.

I used to write with purpose and such thought in every little word and detail. I felt like talking with Tuesday made me write more "raw" as she put it. Without thinking. But There's more beauty in the intricasies oone could develop  with time/

Theres 

MOTHER FUCKING . stupid ass laptop keeps fucking my writing up. it puts things in places where they don't belong!@ gjsdflkgjs;fgksjf well fyck thuis. i'm going to sleep.

Speaking of Which

I felt like going to sleep right before I serviced myself. Fuck. Nothing feels better than that one high that keeps on giving. I realize now that I may always be fighting life with Highs. Technically everyone does, just not in a form that you could measure.

I felt like being truthful  Honest. Writing things to get off my chest. But i'm just not sure where to begin. Talking with Tuesday made me feel, like there was something wrong with me. And I swore there was a few moments ago. Even when I wrote the title of this post.

I'll go to extreme lengths to make someone love me. It's so hard just getting that feeling with someone knowing how easy I can make it thrive if I were only to have someone who would just go with it.

I had seen it time and time again, girls becoming cautioned of me. I believe it's because of what I look for in someone, love. And I guess I just show it on my face in my words when I ask intense things and act like it's all too familiar. But I can never be sure about that.

I feel that it may be a long time that i don't have someone to actually be with me and fall in love with. Sure i may get a girls number here and there, but nothing ever lasts. I feel as if most girls are just so involved with friends and their schooling that they don't care about a relationship as much as I do.

Tuesday is a reoccurring figure in my mind. I really believed her to be someone I could always come to and feel comfortable. But as of late, she's been short with words and it feels as if she's taking out things upon me. Without explanation at that. And because of it, I can't help but get frustrated now when I speak to her. A few days ago we were so indepth in conversation and I laughed so much that it hurt to smile. I should tell her that, but I fear her face has been casted in iron this week.

I don't deserve to feel unwanted. I don't deserve to feel, closed out. I don't deserve to be stabbed at.

I'll find love one way or another, it's my main prerogative. Albeit with Tuesday or not. I hear her now in my head, "You don't mean that, stop saying it."

Sick Puppy

Go home little boy.
Go home.
You need not
Carry this weight.

So what you care about her.
She can't believe you.
So what She'll speak with you,
Love is like steps on moss
just above water.

She can't trust you.
So it's dumb to even fathom.
A
life
with
Someone
who makes you laugh
and
be
happy.

Reading this, I must be crazy.

Don't ingest
the thing your heart tells you best
Pain. Feel. Pain.
Because a girl can't take your guts.

And FUCK those, who say
Grow some balls.
Be a MAN.
Someone who can be strong on their OWN.

I've been far stronger than most could be.
I've had more courage than many could ever muster.
And I've recognized the personality,
The characteristics,
The methods,
The strategy,
Of so many fucking dull minded sheep.
So Don't you ever dare my value.
Because I've power in my hands and I choose to hold it.
Because I've found

NOTHING
TO
BRING
ME
HAPPINESS
WITHOUT
Love.

Because i've tasted the world.
I've walked for miles in empathy, the shoes of so many
I've found much of what Life has had to offer.
And I can say honestly, there is nothing sweeter,
Then love.
Nothing more deserving,
of time,
obsession,
passion,
and effort.

Whats best

May actually be the path I fight so hard to avoid.

I think Tuesday may have read my blog and gotten angry at what I wrote for Ember. I hope shell still have taste for conversation.

I think I put too much weight in her for my life. After all, she deserves to be who she wants to and with who she chooses.

I thought of megans letters that she wrote for me that are more then likely waiting freezing in my mail box. I dont feel I should view them, itd be an insult to her for me to enjoy them.

Flickered out.

Ember said:
June 21st I can come back.
Our protagonist said:
I can't do that.

I've never felt so sure to be stern about not being there for someone until now. Smells like smoke.

Can you love a Drifter?

A person
Who has no voice but an echo?
Where there isn't even the
warmth they've left behind
but the plainly folded sheets of their bed.
Leading you to ask yourself
Was there even someone here?
A distant memory that was so short,
Drunken delusions could easily be more bearable.

A taste that's no longer bitter
Without even a film on tongue.
The presence of her has gone
Like a sickness fraying out
of a breath, right as it's
completely
gone.

It's as if,
I've immunity.
To her.
And a new sense.
Of appreciation.
For someone.
Who I know will work with me.

 Drift.

Im speaking to Ember

I feel.
That.

I fell out of love with her.

But how did she make me so enthralled before?

Hah. Turns out I was a fool. She was cheating on me, to an extent. As to what degree of an extent? Well, its easy to believe the fullest.

And be it im blinder than a man with no eyes but, I understand it. I understand her cheating on me.

Am I going to run in her arms? No. I dont even know if wed work out honestly. I have megan to thank for that. She opened my eyes so wide.

So what am I to do? Im going to find out if I can still love her. But its scary because how can I? Ive no money, nor anyway to contact her.

Ember may become a leaf in the wind.

I want to cry.

Drops

My tears become intangible.
Dripping like acid
Eating fading my soul.
To collect in my chest
Adding on dead weight.
to sink it to the bottom
Where my mind will dispense
Psychotropic chemicals
that tell me,
Repent. Repent.

Deserve is a funny word because no one knows what we deserve

The last words Megan spoke to me before I told her I need to be by myself.

Fuck.

I made that girl feel so fucking happy.

So fucking happy.
She couldn't connect to anyone else she was telling me.
She hadn't gotten close to anyone in 3 years until me.
And I fucked her over.

I have something in my head telling me i'm too soft.
Something telling me i'm too hard on myself.
She would have never had that happiness if it weren't for me.
The fact she lost it, doesn't matter, because she wouldn't have had it if it weren't for me.


None-the-less.

She DESERVES to be happy.

I feel like a fucking prick.

But it had to be done.
I had too many emotions hidden.

Megan, cheers to you. Best of luck.
Ill drink to you in hopes you find a better life.

A time alone

To find my place.

Tactile Sensation

We must ask ourselves,
What cultivates our soul.

What takes our attention away from pain.
From the lack of sensation.

 Lately I've been feeling artistic.

False Writing

Can be quite evident.

Interesting

Turn of Events Megan has brought to me.

We're close. Real close.
she just left for her duties to chicago.
Fuck.
I wonder what that will make of us.

I'm still coming out of this sickness.
It feels.
So
Surreal.

It's almost nice.
Having this different perception of the world.
It's almost like being High.

I literally.

Ashamed

Myself
To sleep.

Fuck my life.

Pain.

Constant.

Irredesant pain. Im not sure if thats a word.

Fucking.
Fuck.

Like.

Pain.

My back, feels as if its been dropped off the edge of a building, onto a pile of cinderblocks.

it aches and throbs through my arms and legs.

Fuck. Its accompanied by the gracious presence of blood in my snot

And the sore throat that reaps me of any pleasure to yawn or fully breath.

Fuck.
Fucking fuck.

Pain.

It prevents me from breathing deep 
Because my rib is broken and my shoulder is torn. So when I sneeze I grab tight to the loosely fitting pieces and hold tight.

Timing is everything.

If I push too hard on my chrest before the sneeze it hurts. If I push too late i kiel over nearly falling.

Megan. Youre holding me togher.

Nostalgia

I'm coming out of being sick.

I've been hocking shit stuck in my head for days.

Green, red.

Sinus infection.

I got drunk last night.

Funny how some care so much when others don't.

-------


My nose is dry.
The air was so crisp today.
I felt the sun on my skin and had flashbacks to when I was young.
How happy I was to just do anything.
There's this smell in my nose, that's just so awakening.

Feeling content is a strange thing
From going through everything
For however long it's been.

I met a girl named Megan.
She's in the Navy,
Rides motorcycles,
Fixes motorcycles,
Fixes cars,
Kick boxed,
Swam competitively,
Auditioned for Broadway,
Was on the row team for her college,
Is a photographer,
Has her own business,
Writes poetry,
Loves guns,
Runs 4 miles everyday.

She's 5'1 with brown hair and green eyes.

I believe she likes me.

The blood that leaves my head,
Is that what's making me feel calm?

It's interesting.

Truly.