Writing

I want to let go.

God it felt great to write. I haven't written in so long. I feel that it's almost liberating. But there's thoughts that stop me. Like last post when I thought no one would read this. It made me say fuck it, what the hell am I doing on here anyway.

Well, Fuck that.

I'm here to write because to write means to write to write to write. It doesn't matter why I write. It matters that I feel better when I write. So i'll write, to write, to write.

Someone need not tell me how I like to use phrases not so common anymore. Despite if they're out of grammar or context. The way I write makes me feel damn good.

My father, I haven't seen or spoken to you in a month, I love you. I hope you're okay.

I don't care much for my family much anymore i'm finding. Ever since they found out about Ember, it made me disgusted to be around them. I fucking hate their pity and awkward lectures. I've heard it all ladies and gentlemen, I don't need to find the words from the last 100 people in the ones that I love. I'd rather live a lie hearing that you support my decisions of loving her.

I'm starting to get tired
of the things from the liars

The time I spend
Forgetting life
just trying to mend
A quilt already sewn

I forget the past
because my mind finds it
hollow
rotten

So take my hand
and smoke a drug
while I lay on the ground
mad
broken
and sad.

Despite

Feeling like the way I do right now..
Empty.

I feel like shit.

I think i'm getting sick.

I can't stop feeling like i'm not normal anymore.

I'm okay with who I am right now, or at least I think.

Maybe it's just the lexapro
Making me feel the way I do.

I'm not sure if i've ever mentioned my new friend Mikail. I've been hanging out with him quite a lot. We're almost in the same boat, although he's found that life can be enjoyable without someone else. However, me? Well. I'm another story.

Anyway.

Hazlet. Me and Hazlet are going on a date tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect. God my life feels like a fucking drama. I want to tell Ember that I'm single. That I don't want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to lose her. I told hazlet that I am single. The only reason I haven't told Ember that i want to be single is because she's never around for me to even tell her. I can't even hold a conversation with her longer than 2 responses in a week. It's starting to become.. negligble. Her existance at least. I can't say that I don't love her. I get fearful when I take this ring off I bought for her so girls wouldn't hit on me.

I think i'm back to that point where No One Will Read This. And I'm somewhat excited, because I won't have to feel worried. But the thought that Tuesday is gone makes me sullen. Ah well. She loved my writing, I really believed she did. I hope she's happy right now.

Fuck, Ember, I love you...

I'm scared that if I leave you, you'll kill yourself.
I'm afraid that if I leave you, your life will be complete shit.
I'm terrified that if you come up to me, you won't be what i'm looking for.
I'm horrified that Hazlet will become more to me than you are.



Dear Life, I'm becoming numb.

Numb.

A fuck to give.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Ember.

Where the fuck are you?

I feel fucked up. I feel horny. I feel like fucking hazlet like she wants me too.
My dick still burns when I piss so im hesitant not to. But I need love, and my need for love surpasses all of maslows hierarchy when I've got the absence of it.

I don't think I could even. I don't fucking know why I miss this girl so much. I don't know why id die for her. Fucking fuck.

Dismayed

I didn't go down to florida.

21 hours of my time saved.

Ember told me not to come down, that i shouldn't. She had her birthcertificate stolen by someone she doesn't know who. The guy who she lives with no doubt. The last thing she told me was that she needed her money from the guy than shed come up to me. Now, 2 days later, her phone has been dead and I haven't heard from her.

My heart hurts.

I saw a girl who looked so much like Tuesday last night. My heart skipped beats for her. Her long black hair, her beautiful nose that she hated so much. I was so captivated by her I couldnt help but stare. Its best I stay out of her life despite how much I still feel for her. I put her equal to x and ember now.

At night

Im going down Sunday night. Fuck. Let's pray that I've got no problems with the car on the way down. Im going to borrow the silicone from mike, and carry an extra quart of oil just in case for the trip.

Ember, I don't remember the taste you've left me. Im going from what little hints of memory I have. I can't tell if its worth it.. but im still going down... fuck that's a huge sign of something being disconnected in my brain, no? Ah well. Im not sad, so whatever. Hah.

A feeling many people dont see.

Quickly.

It's 1:19.

This is the first time I've written something on my computer for this blog in a long time.

Let's make it good please?

I don't know if I can.


So.
EMBER.

She's what my life has succumbed to. A girl who grew up on the streets in a black neighbor hood with the nick name "Snow Bunny." She's a soft cuddly creature with a giggle that can make you awe. The girl says she's in love with me. I believe it when she says the words. I don't when she tells me she'll call me than doesn't. I know she may be homeless right now. I know she may have an ulcer in her stomach because she hasn't eaten in days. I know that her life is filled with scars and tears that she regrets. It's really all so, overwhelming. I'm staying with her. For as long as I feel the need to be with her.

Many people tell me I'm crazy when I say, I'm going to drive down to Florida for her. A girl with no job. A girl with no car. A girl with no license. A girl with no I.D. I tell them it's love. They look at me with these eyes that scream something anew. I like it. I love finding surprise in people. But anyway. I don't care if i'm crazy. It's what I want.

I think I love her... At least.. I knew I really really did until she left. Now this whole situation she's brought our relationship too is such a mess. It's so fucking overwhelming. I'm in it, but I'm not sure if i'm going through the relationship unconscious or braving the heat. God this girl. I forgot how she really is she's been gone so long. She left on the 28th of may I believe. She can barely speak to me. Because she's "busy?" She didn't say those words. But I know she's living with some guy.

This guy she lives with, I'll describe him in words:

Burnt out
Ragged
Loose skin
Chimney
Obsessive
Money hungry
Disrespectful
Schizophrenic
Freak.

Oh and, Alcoholic.

You can see the drugs stole the years from his skin. His eyes are sunken in as far as his hair line has receded. The mitochondria of his cells are diminished due to the denaturation of toxic substances flowing through his already schlerosing veins. This mother' is nothing but an engine without oil running at maximum speed.

It feels good to be on here again.

Live, Love, Die.
Please?

Jobro has started to fall in my eyes. He's still my bestfriend but something seems wretched in him. He lies to his customers to get them to buy things from the job he works at. He'd tell them things to ensure false security. He makes a front to make the customer feel happy but over fake truths. He says it's alright, but i'm starting to think the world of businesses are getting to him. He often falters when things get rough and blames everyone but himself. He often makes it seem like the world is out to get him when really things aren't as bad as he overly exclaims. He surprised me when he bought a new car. He said that he could afford it, the car was 17,000 dollars. I feel like he's at such a financial risk, if i were to tell him he'd blow up because he's a fucking prick when slightly questioned. He finds himself to be immaculate and perfect. If he were to be even considered dumb he'd break out cursing like a big dumb fucking fool. He can't even open his eyes yet points out how everyone around him is imperfect. It annoys the FUCK out of me. He called me "fake" today. He calls me a "fake" friend, because he can't count on me. Really, he's pissed at me because I can't be free when he's free, he doesn't even want to hang out outside of his house when not at a restaurant. His fucking outrageous gestures fucking drive me up the wall. He's so fucking dumb, and thinks he's Einstein when he dropped out of college thinking that Apple is his life and savior. I'm sure when he get's fired or is "forced to leave the company" it's going to be their fault. He's so predictable it's nauseating.

I'm done ranting. I've work soon. Vios Con Destino.

Ember flickers at Night.

She hasn't spoken to me since 9.

I constantly switch my beliefs in her.

im going to pick her up in florida Sunday night. or at least that's when im leaving.

She called me at 2 in the morning. I answered. She was bawling. She told me that the guy she was living with called the cops on her. So did his children. She said she was going to get arrested. She apologized to me for being a fuck up.

She later told me she was confronted and jumped by 3 people before she called. She can handle herself on the streets.

Her life is nothing short of a wreck.

She almost admitted herself to the hospital after having not eaten for 3 days just the day before. She said her stomach didn't feel right.

My mind is weak.

Ember, I say I love you, but Im not sure I mean those words whole heartedly. I think you may need to earn their entirety.

Startled

Im starting to get scared. That maybe, a relationship isn't enough. When I have Ember again, will I really be happy? Will she entertain me? Im getting fearful. Very fearful. If you're a woman, stay away. Ill probably break your heart and eat your soul. And you wont even care about it.

Conversation

Lost its luster.
Lacks fulfillment.
I've no hunger
For words with those
Unloving.
That which is a woman

I don't have friends, because I don't have a need. I dont like conversation As a man with surplus money has no greed. I've enough fill, To be happy without conversation. I just crave that woman Who sees my hunger. Understanding my parse lips For love, forever after.

Sweating.

Im sitting here sweating.
The moisture is overwhelming my skin.
The humidity of the room is making me drown.
I feel my clothes becoming saturated from my waste.
I wipe the waterfall forming on my upper lip,
And question time.

42 minutes into my shift and im losing steam.
Ces la vie.

Shedding Warmth

Things are good between me and Ember. I think I may have an STD because it burns when I piss. Its funny cause I don't give a shit. I never really did. I think it was from Ember, but ill figure out soon enough. She may come up next week and well finally be together. I just hope she's still the girl I barely remember.

Hazlet got real drunk and tried kissing me. She kept grabbing at me looking at my lips in a drunken stupor. Im upset because I hate to leave a girl like that just hanging. I would have loved to hold her and show her how amazing sex could be. I told her no and pushed her hands off of me saying I couldn't do that, you know that.

A Cold Night without a Flame and Tuesday

Its been sometime since I've actually seen or heard Ember. Her bright eyes, her high pitched giggle. I want to say I miss it, but the emotionless crater in me leaves some sort of an empty affection. I wish she was here sure, but.. something in me is settling for the moment I have now. Maybe its because im scared. That im scared she might not be what I wanted? Or, its coming closer to me now, maybe its because im getting tired of her not being there for me. She, for some undetiled reson, couldnt text me while her roomte ws round. The last thing she said to me was mentioning something about her putting a gun to her head and her needing to let me know that she would have done alot just to show me how much she adored me. To most people, that's a red flag to get the fuck away. To me, its something that I don't see as a problem, rather as a beginning to a new question. Why? What makes you that way? No matter what her answer, im sure I would say something like, "Hm, okay." I think if she came up there's a big possibility it would be our last relationship. But I can't believe that just yet. Not the way I know her now. I can hardly remember the moments we spent together in my mind right now. God. I feel like she wont be coming up by next weeks time. If not then,when? Who knows, maybe shell just find another way to stall. She wears a ring on her left hand for me. I find that she's nothing short of normal. Its things like that, that puts my heart in a tryst. Im happier with her than Tuesday, but it wasn't her fault she couldn't make me happy. It was just struggles within herself.

I came across a picture of her I had missed to delete some while back. She requested I remove all of the pictures from my computer then... and im somewhat glad.. I missed this one.. God.. if only we could have had each other. I felt a real connection that was thick and strong like the support beam of a house made from steel. But her paranoia and lack of trust rotted my patience away. If only she wasn't so vicious when it came to getting close. We could have had it all. I wonder if shell message me on her birthday like she promised. But something in me thinks shell have new friends, new things, and new people to put me in the back of her mind. She better be fucking doing better emotionally or id have to kick her ass. I constantly compare the conversations we had and the ones I have with ember through texting. The ones with Tuesday had such depth, but towards the end of us, she begun to lose consistency of that depth and became irratic. The only way she could speak to me seemed in a way of spite under a hidden veil. Like she pretended not to be hurt but continued to try to talk normal. We had different views anyway. She wanted to live in her own place, while I wanted her to be with me. I wish ember had her spunk and indepence.

5 months (meant to be before last post)

I still remember.
About december.

Everytime I see a girl who's a latina, my heart would think of her. Her beauty and spunk. God I felt like she was a firecracker. She wouldve been witty and clever. Im sure. She would've had sex like a demon like no one else could. She would be artistic and hang on my shoulder like an emblem of love.

But those were just dreams I was thinking of.
And I still remember how she hated rhymes.
How she could be so desperate and cry.

She yelled at me and filled me with pain. I couldn't take it all like I hoped I could. I just hope one day, shell be happy and smile. Live life like she should.

rhymes blow.

4th of july party

Im working in the morning as per usual. Ember is so hard to believe. She sent me a picture of a note asking me to marry her. She told me she wants to hurt herself because im so sad she's not here with me. I constantly ask myself is she worth it? But something in me speaks to me words Im desprately afraid of.

Dave.

Yeah?

You couldnt leave her if you tried you worthless piece of shit. I've seen dirt that had more self respect than you.

Having that been said. I can't tell if she disrespects me to the point of justifying breaking up. I really can't. This girl.. gah.

Im starting to realize we don't have much in common but if I remember correctly shed be into anything I was into. She loved that I was nerdy and the way I dressed. She says she's head over heels for me but I can't help but relate her personality to a cheating boyfriend on maury. Literally.

I was glancing at an episode of maury during work and it was of a boyfriend who was accused of being a prostitute and cheating on his wife. He would never answer calls or txts. He would disappear randomly in the night. He would have girls txt him "I love you, and thanks for the pictures" and when he would be around his wife, he would act like nothing happened.  Ember never answers my calls and barely answers my texts. When I ask her direct questions she avoids me by disappearing than coming back hours later just saying "I love you." On her face book she has a dozen guys flirting with her on her pictures saying she's sexy beautiful and gorgeous. I don't mind it because I believe she does love me. Or so she says. God im putting a disgusting feeling in my gut thinking about her right now.

She told me even if I break up with her shell come up to see me. Im not sure how true that is anymore. Im getting tired. My eyes are heavy.

The party tonight, there's going to be slutty girls. There's going to be lots of beer. There's gonna be a fn million chances to have sex. But I can't. Why? Because I have integrity. Because I believe in loyalty. Because being committed is something the world can barely be. I am the positive strife to the negative atrocity of love in the world.

The world can only be a happy place if we do happy things.

Hazlet

Arguements are ugly. She's broken up with her fiance and were smoking at her house. She's in tears arguing about property and dues.

Im going to console her.

Dinning Room Lunch

im half awake. There's old 80s synth playing from a grandpiano that would go perfect for a montage clip for karaoke. Hazlet is working the dinning room so she's running around taking orders at requests from the patients. Shes waking around with a pink glittery bow in her and im attracted to the contrast. She has. Monroe piercing she just got in with industrials in her ears. Everytime she speaks she has this strong yet respectful voice that basically sounds like, "do you want to fuck with me?" Its seductive. A girl with attitude. I hope to myself that im not just filling in Embers spot with her existence in my life. I came here just to talk with her just cause she makes me happy. Fuck I have a problem, only girls can make me happy.

Bathroom Confessional

I often frequent the bathroom at my work just to take time for myself. Within there I forget that im working and actually get a chance to breathe.

Ember says shell come as soon as she gets 3000 dollars from some guy she's living with. Im not quite sure why someone would give her that much money. Ember isn't anything short of sketchy.

Im afraid.

Im super afraid.

Hazlet, a girl from the kitchen is breaking up with her fiance. I flirted with her a while back but she wasn't interested. Now, she's obsessed. She cried when I told her I have a girlfriend. We hung out a couple times since and I hated it especially the last time - I want to be with her in a relationship, but I don't and can't because im with Ember. I know she can offer me the passion i desire, while Ember always has me on the edge of crazy. Hazlet is deep and fun to talk to. Ember barely has the time of day to have a conversation with me. I know things will be different when Ember gets here. But fuck. If she's a lying succubus as many declare, Ill have to lose her and Hazlet and go in a rampant depression.

A City Ablaze

Well fuck. Here I am on a Sunday night staying up late on the 4thweek of working 7 days a week. The event is actually pretty common place. Looking into space contemplating life and its choices, desperately searching for solace.

Solace. Fuck I forgot what it felt like to have my feet on the ground. I forgot what it felt like to exist in a world where everyother word spoken is a trigger for terror. I was just starting to get happy by my self, but than Ember. I feel like life is strangling me by throat. Its causing me to kick the floor for grip. Make me feel like it could be the end. This fucking Ember.

I feel like I yell at her so much but my internal emotions say completely otherwise. But I fucking love her so much. To the point where my life depends on being with her. If im not, I couldn't even imagine what id do. People reading this would be thinking, that personality is horrible to have, he must not know it. Well I fucking know it. I know it exists eats and breathes. I cannot exist without love.

I guess that means im becoming a rather particular person. One that may be found crazy. I felt like, I read a psychiatric disorder described me... diassociative personality? Hm.

Anyway. Ember.

She's in florida...
With another guy...
Who she says isn't fucking.
-she told me he tried to get with her yesterday but yelled at him and had her big black friend yell at him too.
Going to a school in florida...
-that she's planning to leave after she gets 3k... from someone? In a weeks time.
Doesn't have a license
May have a drug problem
Barely answers my texts..
Constantly tells me she loves me

Those are just bad things..