Fuck so where have I been? Well, no where. It's time to cut clean and cut deep. Firstly, Tuesday, I'm sorry if you've been hurting. I felt like I just needed to be alone for the last few days.
I don't think I can feel love anymore. The thought in my mind is completely.. broken. I mean, I can feel the same feelings of love and attraction, but my experience tells me it's pointless. That one day it'll just end. Like the way I ended it with X. My mind tells me, why are you going to bother to find someone when you know either you or her will fuck it up. One of you will just, give up. It's hard enough to have one person to have unending commitment. I feel like, even if I had the girl who lives so far away, I still wouldn't be satisfied.. I feel at unrest. I can't stop standing.
I feel horrible. At myself. With the loss of lack of love, i'm finding myself becoming more.. Apt for sex. I'm finding I don't care about relationships as much because I can't find anyone who can relate to me. I can't find anyone who feels the same way I do. Who knows the revolting truths of most people. Who gets sick the world so easily, and can't do anything but help themselves to fall head over heels for anyone. Who you can tell anything, and they still wouldn't mind. Seriously, when did people become so uptight? I can't empathesize.. maybe that's my problem?
Fuck.
You know why I like listening to explosions in the sky? It makes me feel like i' mdead. Like i'm no longer in my body. Like i'm in some distant place, where the physical doesn't exist and theres only emotion. waves of energy flowing like the aurora lights.
Can't you stay?
While this feeling in my heart grows to die everyday?
I'm going to get high and blast eits.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Growing Legs
I'm trying to find my balance again. I'm feeling.. A little more independent then usual. But i'm still having these crazy ass swings. I feel like it's just a daily thing. Either the day is good and well, or shit and painful.
I woke up today in the strangest manner. I felt tired, but couldn't sleep. I saw the darkness of my eyes closed behind the lids like thick shutters in a dark room. Every few moments I'd throw up my wrist to my face, to look at my watch I fell asleep with. Time would just melt with each wink. I had these crazy dreams that i have no recollection of but i'd swear were real. I can only just barely catch the edge of reality and find out that the dreams i had weren't memories. I imagined instances of just.. being around with jobro and everyone, and having something completey random happen. Something like where we'd just be at a table and he'd bring up submarines. Then when i'm walking around in the day, we bring up submarines and something would click in my head, and i'd say hey didn't we talk about this before? wait. no that was a dream. I felt fucking exhausted just laying there. Searching for a comfortable spot. I writhed and wiggled and stretched vigourosly. I turned onto my stomach and went into fetal position to relax my back to rest. I'd then sprawl out stretching my back as far as it could bend giving a short burst of screaming aloud.
I don't know where i'm going with this.
I woke up today in the strangest manner. I felt tired, but couldn't sleep. I saw the darkness of my eyes closed behind the lids like thick shutters in a dark room. Every few moments I'd throw up my wrist to my face, to look at my watch I fell asleep with. Time would just melt with each wink. I had these crazy dreams that i have no recollection of but i'd swear were real. I can only just barely catch the edge of reality and find out that the dreams i had weren't memories. I imagined instances of just.. being around with jobro and everyone, and having something completey random happen. Something like where we'd just be at a table and he'd bring up submarines. Then when i'm walking around in the day, we bring up submarines and something would click in my head, and i'd say hey didn't we talk about this before? wait. no that was a dream. I felt fucking exhausted just laying there. Searching for a comfortable spot. I writhed and wiggled and stretched vigourosly. I turned onto my stomach and went into fetal position to relax my back to rest. I'd then sprawl out stretching my back as far as it could bend giving a short burst of screaming aloud.
I don't know where i'm going with this.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Today, Was A Decent Day
Work. It surprises me how happy it makes me. I don't get it. I mean I do, but I don't. I think it's because of me helping others. I don't even think of it in that way though. I just love connecting with the people. Hearing their worries solving their problems. It's like being a mini-jesus. It just feels so rewarding being there with the people. Having patients say hello knowing my name. It feels.. So damn good. It staved off the depression for sure. I feel it creeping back now though. It's a bit of a bitch. I'm wondering where Tuesday is. She got me all riled up for nothing it seems. I hope she had a wonderful day. I also, have to post something.
---------------------------------
" Our Protagonist : I'm trying to think about why I wanted to write to you. Well, to cut shit to the point and what not, I guess it'd be easy to start this off by saying.. Well I've begun to... Lose it? I'll get to that later. I'm starting to think I just wanted to write to you to tell you where I am right now. I'm not even sure if you'd care to read it. I just.. Wanted to share it with you as odd as that seems.
I hope your doing well, and I really do mean that. I can't tell you how horrible I felt for making you leave, and living with Andrew driving to work so far. I really hated myself for making your life worse. Everyone I told that told me I should be feeling that way. Which sounds right, but I stll did.
Fuck, I'm sorry for being like this, but. Yeah, i've really truly started to believe I'm losing it. Like, I've begun taking anti-depressant medication, and I can't take just.. being around myself anymore. I wake up feeling like shit sometimes, and it's getting worse. Nothing makes sense in my head.. Like.. i'm losing a sense of logic, i've already lost most of what's right and wrong.
I'm writing to you because I see you as a close friend, even though were not together, and things ended up the way they did. I still really want to be friends with you.
Thinking about how you'll react while reading this, I can imagine you saying, "good he fucking deserves it." I may. You don't have to respond to this."
----------------------------------
" X : Protagonist, you don't ever have to feel uncomfortable if you want to talk to me about something. You also don't have to defend or apologize for our breakup either, its in the past and we all make our own path in life. I would like to say that I also consider you a close friend, dispite not talking for a long time. And I'm not so sure, or I cant tell, if you really wanted me answering your message but I will anyway. I want you to know that if you ever feel down, need a buddy, or a second opinion on something, I'll be more than willing to offer any help you may need.
Okay, so we haven't talked in a long time so I don't know the full circumstances behind the prescription of your medicine, and I don't expect you to tell me. You say you lost your sense of right and wrong, but Its okay to do the wrong thing sometimes, you learn the most from mistakes. You shouldn't feel bad when you wake up in the morning, because every day is a new one. Its a crazy world, people just live in it. Sometimes you have to face a lot of problems at once, and it seems too tough to handle, but with patience and sometimes a person to go through it with you, it will always work out in the end. Anxiety is a terrible emotion, so is depression. I know when I feel them, it feels like I just walked a millions steps backwards from my goals in life. But we feel them, and its just makes me want to succeed even more. Other times just acknowedging the state of my emotions to someone makes me feel a lot better as well.They are emotions and I respect them, I don't think anyone can control/fully understand them. (unless your Budda lol) I don't know if anything I'm saying applies to you, but I hope that maybe just one thing could have helped.
Like I said, your still a friend to me. And you don't 'deserve' anything negitive in your life. They say "Misery loves Company," well there are a lot of ways to interpret that. I think Company can actually fix Misery.... If you ever want to go out for a drink, or just out to catch up, I think it would be a great idea. But if not I respect that decision too. Your always welcome to just fb me if that all you need, or email."
---------------------------------
" Our Protagonist : Hey, sorry how weird and randomly spaced out that email was. I was a bit high for the half of it.. I smoke to get away sometimes and it helps me with this random anxiety lol. Im really glad you responded, I can't tell you enough how hearing from you still makes me happy.
As for the medication, im on the lightest perscription of lexapro, its this anxiety/depression drug. It was funny before I had this thing where id just pick something random in my life and blame it for the depression. Like first it was my weight gainer, then milk, then i thought i had thyroid problems, then dehydration, then alcohol.. etc lol. Joe and kristie were making fun of me saying what is it this month dave?
Everything you said helps me out a lot even if it doesn't apply. But the way im feeling is more than strange but also inexplicable... I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, that there's nothing out there for me. I don't feel boredom anymore either.. it kind of just.. goes straight to depression. I've been this way for a couple months now and only started the med last month. I've been battling it for fuckinnn everrr lol. Nothing is what it used to be. Im also madd paranoid now too. Paranoid about people's emotions not general paranoia.
I started working on the psychiatric floor in my clinical. It wasnt a very pleasant place. It was a smaller version of what you'd expect to see in the movies but nothing is painted white. It reminded me of an old run down 70s home that wasn't well taken care of. There were several people there with mental problems. Some you could tell instantly, others had a more deceptive appearance. But they all had something in common it seemed, that they didn't take care of how they looked. They didn't care about themselves and the way they came off to others. I reflected this thought in my head while looking down at the floor while our instructor lectured us. I realized im coming closer and closer to being that way. Careless of myself and the presumptions of others. I asked myself, is this where ill end up one day? Sitting around old worn furniture with a bunch of strangers? I got scared. Im starting to believe so.
Im sorry if this email sounds like I don't want to hear more from you, I do. Sorry for being such a bummer. "
I'll keep you posted.
---------------------------------
" Our Protagonist : I'm trying to think about why I wanted to write to you. Well, to cut shit to the point and what not, I guess it'd be easy to start this off by saying.. Well I've begun to... Lose it? I'll get to that later. I'm starting to think I just wanted to write to you to tell you where I am right now. I'm not even sure if you'd care to read it. I just.. Wanted to share it with you as odd as that seems.
I hope your doing well, and I really do mean that. I can't tell you how horrible I felt for making you leave, and living with Andrew driving to work so far. I really hated myself for making your life worse. Everyone I told that told me I should be feeling that way. Which sounds right, but I stll did.
Fuck, I'm sorry for being like this, but. Yeah, i've really truly started to believe I'm losing it. Like, I've begun taking anti-depressant medication, and I can't take just.. being around myself anymore. I wake up feeling like shit sometimes, and it's getting worse. Nothing makes sense in my head.. Like.. i'm losing a sense of logic, i've already lost most of what's right and wrong.
I'm writing to you because I see you as a close friend, even though were not together, and things ended up the way they did. I still really want to be friends with you.
Thinking about how you'll react while reading this, I can imagine you saying, "good he fucking deserves it." I may. You don't have to respond to this."
----------------------------------
" X : Protagonist, you don't ever have to feel uncomfortable if you want to talk to me about something. You also don't have to defend or apologize for our breakup either, its in the past and we all make our own path in life. I would like to say that I also consider you a close friend, dispite not talking for a long time. And I'm not so sure, or I cant tell, if you really wanted me answering your message but I will anyway. I want you to know that if you ever feel down, need a buddy, or a second opinion on something, I'll be more than willing to offer any help you may need.
Okay, so we haven't talked in a long time so I don't know the full circumstances behind the prescription of your medicine, and I don't expect you to tell me. You say you lost your sense of right and wrong, but Its okay to do the wrong thing sometimes, you learn the most from mistakes. You shouldn't feel bad when you wake up in the morning, because every day is a new one. Its a crazy world, people just live in it. Sometimes you have to face a lot of problems at once, and it seems too tough to handle, but with patience and sometimes a person to go through it with you, it will always work out in the end. Anxiety is a terrible emotion, so is depression. I know when I feel them, it feels like I just walked a millions steps backwards from my goals in life. But we feel them, and its just makes me want to succeed even more. Other times just acknowedging the state of my emotions to someone makes me feel a lot better as well.They are emotions and I respect them, I don't think anyone can control/fully understand them. (unless your Budda lol) I don't know if anything I'm saying applies to you, but I hope that maybe just one thing could have helped.
Like I said, your still a friend to me. And you don't 'deserve' anything negitive in your life. They say "Misery loves Company," well there are a lot of ways to interpret that. I think Company can actually fix Misery.... If you ever want to go out for a drink, or just out to catch up, I think it would be a great idea. But if not I respect that decision too. Your always welcome to just fb me if that all you need, or email."
---------------------------------
" Our Protagonist : Hey, sorry how weird and randomly spaced out that email was. I was a bit high for the half of it.. I smoke to get away sometimes and it helps me with this random anxiety lol. Im really glad you responded, I can't tell you enough how hearing from you still makes me happy.
As for the medication, im on the lightest perscription of lexapro, its this anxiety/depression drug. It was funny before I had this thing where id just pick something random in my life and blame it for the depression. Like first it was my weight gainer, then milk, then i thought i had thyroid problems, then dehydration, then alcohol.. etc lol. Joe and kristie were making fun of me saying what is it this month dave?
Everything you said helps me out a lot even if it doesn't apply. But the way im feeling is more than strange but also inexplicable... I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, that there's nothing out there for me. I don't feel boredom anymore either.. it kind of just.. goes straight to depression. I've been this way for a couple months now and only started the med last month. I've been battling it for fuckinnn everrr lol. Nothing is what it used to be. Im also madd paranoid now too. Paranoid about people's emotions not general paranoia.
I started working on the psychiatric floor in my clinical. It wasnt a very pleasant place. It was a smaller version of what you'd expect to see in the movies but nothing is painted white. It reminded me of an old run down 70s home that wasn't well taken care of. There were several people there with mental problems. Some you could tell instantly, others had a more deceptive appearance. But they all had something in common it seemed, that they didn't take care of how they looked. They didn't care about themselves and the way they came off to others. I reflected this thought in my head while looking down at the floor while our instructor lectured us. I realized im coming closer and closer to being that way. Careless of myself and the presumptions of others. I asked myself, is this where ill end up one day? Sitting around old worn furniture with a bunch of strangers? I got scared. Im starting to believe so.
Im sorry if this email sounds like I don't want to hear more from you, I do. Sorry for being such a bummer. "
I'll keep you posted.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wait What?
Still searching.
I'm starting to lean on weed more and more. Kill my time oh faithful drug. Kill it well.
Do you think I just need a Friend?
It could be. A deep friend. Someone who knows you to the bone and can be there for you as much as you need them to be. You need a girlfriend, but one, who truly, and consistently loves you.
Oi, i'm a needy fuck aren't I?
Yeah i'd say so.
What do you think I should do?
It doesn't matter what you do.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure. Try to be happy.
But how do I be happy?
Do the things that make you happy.
Like?
I'm starting to lean on weed more and more. Kill my time oh faithful drug. Kill it well.
Do you think I just need a Friend?
It could be. A deep friend. Someone who knows you to the bone and can be there for you as much as you need them to be. You need a girlfriend, but one, who truly, and consistently loves you.
Oi, i'm a needy fuck aren't I?
Yeah i'd say so.
What do you think I should do?
It doesn't matter what you do.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure. Try to be happy.
But how do I be happy?
Do the things that make you happy.
Like?
You Might Be Right
About the Bullshit.
I could definitely have love from her.
But, love might not be enough for me anymore.
I could definitely have love from her.
But, love might not be enough for me anymore.
Starving
I'm starving. For answers. for love.
This necessarily isn't answer that has to come from someone. It can come from anywhere. I just... fucking need it. My life is missing something. and that something is a deep part of my life it feels.
I woke up this morning, and everything felt.. Off. I touched my face and found it to feel foreign. It felt like the skin was a new skin I've never felt before. That I was learning it for the first time.
I looked in the mirror to see my same disheveled face. I looked at my hair which was so short and unkempt, I hated it. I looked at my glasses and found them to be too big for my look. I wondered how anyone could find me attractive. I know she does, but, I don't know why. I can't believe it when I'm by myself.
I started to think of all the past girls that have burned me, shut me down, put me out. It makes me want to be an asshole. From the beginning now, Ashley, Brittany, Grace, Megan, Diana, Alison, Ashley, Eva, Tori, Stephanie, Taylor. I tried so hard to live for these girls. I gave them my all. I gave them the utmost respect and attention. I didn't care for myself, and devoted my life and time to help them. It's not like it hurt me to do these things for them. I gave myself respect and love. I just wasn't enough for them. You know what? Fuck everyone. Fuck everyone and their wants and needs. I need to become selfish. Cold hearted. Self pleasing.
This necessarily isn't answer that has to come from someone. It can come from anywhere. I just... fucking need it. My life is missing something. and that something is a deep part of my life it feels.
I woke up this morning, and everything felt.. Off. I touched my face and found it to feel foreign. It felt like the skin was a new skin I've never felt before. That I was learning it for the first time.
I looked in the mirror to see my same disheveled face. I looked at my hair which was so short and unkempt, I hated it. I looked at my glasses and found them to be too big for my look. I wondered how anyone could find me attractive. I know she does, but, I don't know why. I can't believe it when I'm by myself.
I started to think of all the past girls that have burned me, shut me down, put me out. It makes me want to be an asshole. From the beginning now, Ashley, Brittany, Grace, Megan, Diana, Alison, Ashley, Eva, Tori, Stephanie, Taylor. I tried so hard to live for these girls. I gave them my all. I gave them the utmost respect and attention. I didn't care for myself, and devoted my life and time to help them. It's not like it hurt me to do these things for them. I gave myself respect and love. I just wasn't enough for them. You know what? Fuck everyone. Fuck everyone and their wants and needs. I need to become selfish. Cold hearted. Self pleasing.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
One Day
I'll sing this song to you, right after we argue. Right when we want to make it up, and we say were sorry.
(I'm singing in my head.)
(I'm singing in my head.)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Fucking People
Love will go to those who are unkind.
Sex will go to those who are revolted.
Warmth will waste in the bed of the unfaithful.
Pain will come to those who are patient.
Grief will come to those with integrity.
Loneliness will engulf the mind of the righteous.
Despite all your actions and your beliefs, they're fucking pointless. You get what you get, you lose what you lose.
Sex will go to those who are revolted.
Warmth will waste in the bed of the unfaithful.
Pain will come to those who are patient.
Grief will come to those with integrity.
Loneliness will engulf the mind of the righteous.
Despite all your actions and your beliefs, they're fucking pointless. You get what you get, you lose what you lose.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Gather
I try and pick up
the broken pieces
of this shamble of
a life
to carry all
the things
I've dropped
to break
I'm prying crumbs
from the carpet as
I loosen my grip of
The bloody rope
That tethers to this
3
ton
anchor
Trying to convince
myself that it's not
worth anything
Not worth the
pain or the
blood. or the
time I spend
looking in the
distance to find
answers to this
never ending
____
the broken pieces
of this shamble of
a life
to carry all
the things
I've dropped
to break
I'm prying crumbs
from the carpet as
I loosen my grip of
The bloody rope
That tethers to this
3
ton
anchor
Trying to convince
myself that it's not
worth anything
Not worth the
pain or the
blood. or the
time I spend
looking in the
distance to find
answers to this
never ending
____
Disappointment
Life is a huge fucking disappointment. It's fucking undeniable. The things people will say, to disprove this fact are meaningless to me. They'll say, it's not because you appreciate having felt the things you do. I don't. They'll say, it's not because life is worth living because it's "good." and "happy." Listen, life is "good" because of a chemical in your brain that makes you act - innate, restful, energetic, and giving. Happiness can only be described to someone through the objective symptoms you can present. Not by the subjective.
I can't remember what I wrote, my internet cut out and I couldn't save the page. I wrote this this morning.
I can't remember what I wrote, my internet cut out and I couldn't save the page. I wrote this this morning.
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