Monday, April 4, 2011
Princess gave me her number. She said she loves the city and to eat out at nobu.
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Psychologist?
I just got clearance from me mum. I can go see a psycholgist now, I'm drunk atm while writing. God theres so much to fucking go through in life isnt there>? I feel like shit. I think i'm far too sensitive for anything in the world. I always over react. I'm always far to much in everythign t odo anything. FUCK!
Don't you just wish there was something out there. Excuseme someone out there for you who understood you and felt exactly the way you do. Who thinks like you. Who feels like you. who talks like you. Who understands your every move. God damn where the fuck are you,. I miss someone understanding me. I miss you Xall of the sudden. This is the first time i have. I need someone who understands me.
Girl, i hope you're there tomorrow. I plan on asking fi you want coffe and trying to initiate in some form of conversatin. HOPEFULLY i'm not completely fu king retarded and anti social. aaa yahknow?!
Iron and wine you've saved my life. I want to kill my self again. Life feels ike a fucking bipolar roller coast.ert.
My eyes are burning out of my skull and my skin feels detatched. i'm becoming more inhuman by the day. I hope my life doesnt fall apart like i feel it is. I feel like my social skills are getting better but tit's like i'm not accepting it. Like i act appropriately cause it makes me feel good but it doesnt really satisfy me to where i need it to.. The outside is stable, but the inside is slowly deteriorating at an impressive rate. maybe i shouldn't speak when i'm drunk.. Maybe i should realize:
EVERYtHING IS AS WE MAKE IT.
Don't you just wish there was something out there. Excuseme someone out there for you who understood you and felt exactly the way you do. Who thinks like you. Who feels like you. who talks like you. Who understands your every move. God damn where the fuck are you,. I miss someone understanding me. I miss you Xall of the sudden. This is the first time i have. I need someone who understands me.
Girl, i hope you're there tomorrow. I plan on asking fi you want coffe and trying to initiate in some form of conversatin. HOPEFULLY i'm not completely fu king retarded and anti social. aaa yahknow?!
Iron and wine you've saved my life. I want to kill my self again. Life feels ike a fucking bipolar roller coast.ert.
My eyes are burning out of my skull and my skin feels detatched. i'm becoming more inhuman by the day. I hope my life doesnt fall apart like i feel it is. I feel like my social skills are getting better but tit's like i'm not accepting it. Like i act appropriately cause it makes me feel good but it doesnt really satisfy me to where i need it to.. The outside is stable, but the inside is slowly deteriorating at an impressive rate. maybe i shouldn't speak when i'm drunk.. Maybe i should realize:
EVERYtHING IS AS WE MAKE IT.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Haven't eaten breakfast. A girl awaits.
Not truly waiting for me of course in that sense. I plan to speak to her today if she's at school. On a Friday... I wonder what that says about her. How she spends her time.. School on a Friday must mean she's very focused on work and really wants to do well. Or if your my case, hate spending time alone because it makes you realize that your a loser and you have no friends.
I plan on posting in some love forum:
Topic Headline: Why do I feel like finding someone so badly?
Short Story: I can't help but feel the need to find someone. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and I'm the one who ended it. She was my first girlfriend, and I found myself to be prone to talking to other girls and wishing I had something with them. So I decided to break it off, I couldn't do that to her.
After the relationship I've went from meeting a few girls and having it end up no where. I didn't mind. I really didn't care if i was single or if i had someone. All until the most recent girl i met.
She messed me up more so than leaving a four year relationship. For a week straight we spoke to each other everyday on the phone for at least four hours before we slept. Than one day it all changed. She said she liked me but said I was too perfect for her. Saying that being with me would make her so scared to mess up and that having something so precious or important in her life would drive her insane. Be it truth or farce, I don't care I just wish it never happened.
Ever since then, I've been stricken with this unending feeling of need. I can't think, I can't focus, I'm in such a huge depression from it. I have few friends which more than likely makes my situation worse. (I lost them all from my ex's controlling relationship.) It's been 4 months of this desperate need for another. I really could care less about college, my degree, my hobbies, almost everything.
Extra shit:
I've always had a bit of social anxiety, to where I'd never eat meals with my family. I've had no reason not to, they're as loving as could be. I never came close to a girl until I was 17. Before that point the only thing I was close to was becoming permanently fused with my computer.Video games were my life. Then in some stranger occurrence than being struck by lightening, my friends introduced me to a girl. I was horrible, they may as well have attached strings to my hands and feet because I didn't know what i was doing. I wanted to be with her but being a anti-social computer nerd didn't really help much.
I changed some stuff because i sounded like a pussy. haha. www.loveforum.net
I plan on posting in some love forum:
Topic Headline: Why do I feel like finding someone so badly?
Short Story: I can't help but feel the need to find someone. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and I'm the one who ended it. She was my first girlfriend, and I found myself to be prone to talking to other girls and wishing I had something with them. So I decided to break it off, I couldn't do that to her.
After the relationship I've went from meeting a few girls and having it end up no where. I didn't mind. I really didn't care if i was single or if i had someone. All until the most recent girl i met.
She messed me up more so than leaving a four year relationship. For a week straight we spoke to each other everyday on the phone for at least four hours before we slept. Than one day it all changed. She said she liked me but said I was too perfect for her. Saying that being with me would make her so scared to mess up and that having something so precious or important in her life would drive her insane. Be it truth or farce, I don't care I just wish it never happened.
Ever since then, I've been stricken with this unending feeling of need. I can't think, I can't focus, I'm in such a huge depression from it. I have few friends which more than likely makes my situation worse. (I lost them all from my ex's controlling relationship.) It's been 4 months of this desperate need for another. I really could care less about college, my degree, my hobbies, almost everything.
Extra shit:
I've always had a bit of social anxiety, to where I'd never eat meals with my family. I've had no reason not to, they're as loving as could be. I never came close to a girl until I was 17. Before that point the only thing I was close to was becoming permanently fused with my computer.Video games were my life. Then in some stranger occurrence than being struck by lightening, my friends introduced me to a girl. I was horrible, they may as well have attached strings to my hands and feet because I didn't know what i was doing. I wanted to be with her but being a anti-social computer nerd didn't really help much.
I changed some stuff because i sounded like a pussy. haha. www.loveforum.net
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Play.
If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it. I've begun feeling this feeling again. That same feeling that got me stupid enough to get devastatingly burned in a fire so malicious it has left me irreparably scathed until this day. If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it. If life is a game we play, just play it.If life is a game we play, just play it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
could you tell?
What the fuck does it mean to be human. We're all fucking machines. I'm coming out of a drunk earlier today. Had some test and did fucking poorly. The test was full of shit. I feel cold hearted. I'm losing alotttt of emotion for everything.
Ok so let's get my write on. Came home drunk last night after we skipped the end of class. Tried to get ireland and her friend to come with us. I have a horrible habit of thinking that everytime a girl asks about you they're interested in you. Christ i'm pathetic.
Girl, a new player has entered. She studies in the same study room as me.. she's a nursing student alike me but she's a semester behind. I first met her due to a strange pain in the ass person who said that there was free monster in the student center. I plan on asking her today if she wants to come with me to go get coffee. I hope shes there today. But of course I have to get over my nerves. Fucking nerves.
The game has said to fuck nerves and believe that you've already lost. To pay attention to the 3 second rule. Basically to pretend she's not a girl that you could potentially fall in love with. So the goal, according to the game, is to kill nerves. The way they say to do so is to believe that there is no prize at the end of the road. To be playing a practice skrimmage but secretely have it count as a championship game.
How will I kill my nerves? I need to believe that when i speak to her it will go no where. Which technically is true. Most the women i talk to for the first time usually end up far from being involved in my life. So what I should expect is that we go get coffee talk for a little bit and she goes back to studying. And I go do whatever. Hmm. Contemplation contemplating.
Ok so let's get my write on. Came home drunk last night after we skipped the end of class. Tried to get ireland and her friend to come with us. I have a horrible habit of thinking that everytime a girl asks about you they're interested in you. Christ i'm pathetic.
Girl, a new player has entered. She studies in the same study room as me.. she's a nursing student alike me but she's a semester behind. I first met her due to a strange pain in the ass person who said that there was free monster in the student center. I plan on asking her today if she wants to come with me to go get coffee. I hope shes there today. But of course I have to get over my nerves. Fucking nerves.
The game has said to fuck nerves and believe that you've already lost. To pay attention to the 3 second rule. Basically to pretend she's not a girl that you could potentially fall in love with. So the goal, according to the game, is to kill nerves. The way they say to do so is to believe that there is no prize at the end of the road. To be playing a practice skrimmage but secretely have it count as a championship game.
How will I kill my nerves? I need to believe that when i speak to her it will go no where. Which technically is true. Most the women i talk to for the first time usually end up far from being involved in my life. So what I should expect is that we go get coffee talk for a little bit and she goes back to studying. And I go do whatever. Hmm. Contemplation contemplating.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A fuoco
Great song. Haven't written in a while, probably because I'm in one of my better modes. It's scary thinking that all of my posts except maybe 2 or 3 were when i was feeling like shit and down. I should really take the time to think why I'm different as to then.
I've figured a way to a solid happiness and it's going well. Strange how i found myself so well entrapped by it.
I want to say I've got it down to a science. But I'm just basically laying rules for myself and things to always follow by. I also set small goals for myself I guess you could say. I'm sure i'm not out of everything just yet. But well see. Also I'm finding that we all push ourselves away from thinking of bad things subconsciously and focus on the good. Thinking about this makes me get back into that shit mode of depression, I need to end it here.
I've figured a way to a solid happiness and it's going well. Strange how i found myself so well entrapped by it.
I want to say I've got it down to a science. But I'm just basically laying rules for myself and things to always follow by. I also set small goals for myself I guess you could say. I'm sure i'm not out of everything just yet. But well see. Also I'm finding that we all push ourselves away from thinking of bad things subconsciously and focus on the good. Thinking about this makes me get back into that shit mode of depression, I need to end it here.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sharpen the game
So fuck. Going down to visit Care-bear at college. He invited me to go to this crazy bar which is basically pumping club/house music. I don't know how to dance for shit and i got this gut feeling that I'm gonna make an ass out of myself with my long ass arms. Ah well. I'm going. Anxiety +1
Had my acting class today, Fearless kinda started to talk to me again. First-mate turned out he didn't have cancer which is awesome and we became acting partners. He changed his major because of our class. A girl in our class, i'll call her Princess, just broke up with her boyfriend.
First-mate started to tease on me telling me to go after her. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. He seemed to be very pumped up for the moment for some reason. I could tell by his careless frantic rush of hyperness that he was well experienced in many things and knew how to control a situation. Situations like talking to girls. We stood up as the class ended, and I feeling like i was going to make major self-improvement went up to Princess.
-Tired.
Had my acting class today, Fearless kinda started to talk to me again. First-mate turned out he didn't have cancer which is awesome and we became acting partners. He changed his major because of our class. A girl in our class, i'll call her Princess, just broke up with her boyfriend.
First-mate started to tease on me telling me to go after her. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. He seemed to be very pumped up for the moment for some reason. I could tell by his careless frantic rush of hyperness that he was well experienced in many things and knew how to control a situation. Situations like talking to girls. We stood up as the class ended, and I feeling like i was going to make major self-improvement went up to Princess.
-Tired.
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