In need of escape

I woke up this morning normal, me and mikhail did our normal routine. I then day dreamed of tuesday and I living together and had somewhat of a bad thought. I imagined her and I laying in bed, my face stoic and emotionless, hers full of pain wishing id just get up. I was still alive just, trapped inside my own mind. Depressed. Thinking of how upset she was now makes me feel better because I know now I would do something about it.

Discern

Breathe
Can you see now?
With eyes unclouded.
Breathe
Pulling a rope from deep in your lungs
Breathe
Peeling the skin from a callaced leather
Follow your clarity

Expiration Date

Ember just emailed me what seems to be a suicide note. Im afraid shell never be happy again, im scared. I feel ill hate myself because I couldnt do anything or ill blame myself for not doing more. I cant tell her I love her, but it really seems to be the only thing that keeps her going despite her not wanting to be around me

Filth

Unearthly
Vehement
Malicious
Being
Eating from where you step
Lying to your own mother
Staving from your dying father
Partaking in inebriating
Depricating
Parasitic drugs that waste
Your time and effort of
Work that you slave for.

Fuck this title

After being tossed in.the.mud?
being forgotten and put behind thought?
Cast it.away.she spoke.
And with unfurling embers.the.fire
Devoured its essence
Now there's nothing but an empty slot that has lost its key.
The door remaining locked kept and staved from all form of a  conscious notion.
To be forgotten as the music a.baby.heard growing in the womb.

Cost of the living

What?

They finished laughing at a joke as they entered her bedroom. It was well kept: a crisp folded bedding, matching furniture, and only a slight mess of clothes skewed the corner of the room far from the eye. "Fuck its dark." Jackal spat with a slight inebriated slur. "Whatever I'm going to change anyway." The Panther's feminine voice was easily heard with that detail despite the wall she was facing. "Would you like me to leave?" Politely asked the Jackal, with his mind already halfway through his daydream where his lips were on her stomach. "No, its alright." Panther implied without even a thought of being pressed upon. She quickly lifted her shirt off her body bunching her hair as it came to her head. It swiftly jutted off and with it came Panther's long luscious hair, pouring out, bouncing as she swayed her head. Jackal's feet became nailed to the ground as he realized his daydream was quickly escalating more towards reality. Her curves were passionate sex and the Jackal concluded her slight gaze to the right of her body asked for domination, as the side of her breast was being shown his primal essence screamed "Fuck her."
She stood there inspecting herself as if Jackal didn't exist. And with the quick moment of ecstasy came decency far too quick for Jackal as she pulled on a shirt and jumped to bed. "Come. Sleep with me." She said without making eye contact as she pathed her way into the sheets. Jackal was lightning to the bed where he was stopped right before he entered the warmth of her covers. "You can take your pants off if you want." Jackal was surging and with her next inspiring breath his jeans joined the skewed pile of clothes in her room. He slid under the covers as he pointed his waist toward her and she lay silently with a smile.

I imagine

Growing old
With a dead tongue.
Lacking of peace and convalesence.
I imagine holding a womans body,
Again
and again.
Never once giving me the feeling I search for.
Ill look them in the eye and watch their efforts never come close to my dreams.
Have I loved too much?
Im sick of searching, ive known the routine far too well than any man should.
Have I destroyed that drive and curiosity that pull most people into a relationship?
I constantly find no one is good enough for me anymore. For a man who lives only for love, this is one of the worst things he could ever face.
Alas, a life alone will be a crazy ride.
I feel I should create art for the enotions ill feel will be beyond most anything.

A Sudden Sickness

I woke up yesterday with a sore throat. The cells in my mouth were too weak to stand. My tongue sore and damaged from a pointless party trick. It comes in waves. Complete and utter illness when I wake then it alleviates, I feel fine. Then as a few hours pass, intense fatiguing will breaking sickness.

I took a shower on the floor of my tub a few moments after I woke. I was too weak to stand. I laid on my sides and even managed to somehow lie face down because the tub was too hard on my spine. It must have been over an hour. I didnt want to leave.

I got out of the shower to look at my computer screen which I see on a daily basis. The same damn screen ive been looking at almost everyday of my life. Wasting time with things that dont matter and hold no value.

I tried watching an episode of the walking dead only to passout on the couch. Sleep is the one place my emotions cant hurt me.

When I woke I went to my bed and slept again until 730pm. Talk about weakness. My hips are still sore from what have you and my legs feel like the bone has been replaced with decade old rotting wood.

Tuesday isnt here to talk to me so i feel utterly alone right now. I dont havr any frienda because I just cant connect the importance in them. I just dont have it in me anymore to be social. Life is fucking grand.

As I Lone

Ill find my phone.
To check it frequently.
Once the number was dialed,
Programmed into many phones.
My inbox would have messages
That my friends would have left.
But now, no one.
Not a single soul.
Every time I peer into my phone,
I find I am alone.
But its only just.
As I realize,
Its because I do not have the energy to entertain them.
I do not have the means to give them reason to keep in contact with me; be my friend.
Ill remain stoic with a stern hard face of unhappiness until I find someone to live for again.

Displace

There is nothing here.
Nothing here,
But ideas and emotions that I need to rid of.
Ideas that tell me ill have someone to pick up my broken pieces.
Break me break me, so that ill learn to grow again.

Coming down.

The vyvanse is wearing off. Im turning werewolf.

I cant take this fucking two faced bullshit that I go through.

Im not reserving anymore. Im planning on dying alone.

Sometimes life is better spent alone.

Where no one can hurt you.

Where you can find your skin still outside your body.

Where your mind isnt afraid of whay will happen when it acts.

Im on vyvanse and im strongly realizing my life is hell without it.

Aced

It's my birthday today.

breathe in. breathe out.

I feel pretty terrible because of how I may act. I feel I have to put up a show today.  Come one come all, to see the great feats of our protagonist. I'm not sure who's going to be there but I could kind of careless.

I slept for 12 hours today not wanting to wake up. Ember messaged me because it was my birthday. There's nothing she says that I haven't already heard of before. I mean, honestly she repeats her self like a broken record. Like some strange entity that's no longer here on this earth. She comes back to haunt me speaking of emotion and times that have past that were once in her previous life.

breathe in. breathe out.

Mikhail has been asking if I'm okay a lot more recently. I guess I'm letting some of myself be seen to the world. It's embarrassing. And utterly confusing at that. Because as soon as he asks not only can i portray that i'm fine, I'll feel that I am somewhat. The way I react I feel is impossible to do unless I am feeling okay.

well guess i'm crazy.

Tears

Come as I sleep.

Closer

Coming closer to seeing what a mirror should.
Im breaking crazy. Especially right before rest.
I dont mean to hurt you Tuesday, but when you're rough, I wont be there to feel it. My skin is worn like fresh flesh of a face dragged on pavement.

Go

Get out. Get ouy of your fucking head. Let out. Stop talking like you dont have a reason. Everyone can bleed. Nothing is needed.

This is for me. For you. The one who doesnt care about himself. So well talk and talk and write and write. Because words outside the mind are an expression.

An expression of emotion trapped inside that we cant find how to release, to get rid of to make us feel normal and that were worth it.

So sobriety doesnt have to feel like a day of regret. A day when you feel anxious for every pair of eyes looks at you. Judging you. Showing you how youre not as good as they are cause they can keep it together.

I feel like screaming

If mikhail wasnt here, id record me going on a rant.