Corner

I stood there looking inward toward my room. I thought of everything. I thought of Ember.

He stood on the glamor of a promise.
What he remembered from his time with her was uncomprable.
Nothing in his life for ages had given him that warmth.
She became his sun.

She lay away, in a house with Another Man.
Where she frames herself with smiles and beauty.
Posing infront of crowds with prying eyes.
She holds her tongue, hides her face,
and will never stay around to listen.

But she comes with Promises
That are murky from facts well stated.
Promises of love, and ever after.
That make her soul open up.
My wounds would heal, and my eyes
would grow sharp.
My breath would return and I'd be happy.
Content.

Now 2 days later, the hours of the day, will tell me she'll never come. Never.

Home

Ugh.

Fuck.

  So let's see. Where am I? I'm only a few moments from having pursed my lips on a steel barrel that was filled with some great weed. I'm not high yet. But can feel the undercurrents staling the air.

I feel as if you were to ask me, i'd tell you, i'm shit. Feeling like shit. Non-stop. But now, what I think may be happening, is that i'm noticing i'm not feeling like shit. I'm realizing there may be a possibility, I fool myself that i'm depressed because I've been that way so long. Interesting. It's hard to find happiness in everything, but I think it's coming back. :3

That makes me happy.

Sobering up

Its 12:50 and my eyes are slow. I can't look around the room without having the feeling of molasses. I just want to hold my head low, and throw the weight of my flesh onto a surface. I just want to kiel over and breathe whilst I sleep.

I had to spend today worrying. Like every day. Worrying about Ember. I havent heard from her In over a day. She says she loves me but I question the emotion behind those words. Shed be here right now if she really did.

Lay your head

Im trying to focus on not focusing. On ember. On things that make me feel shitty. Feeling how shitty Ember leaves me, makes me think back to Tuesday. She didn't treat me well always fighting the way we did, but I still really cared about her. I feel fucked up thinking about her like a dream but im starting to think its just human nature. That love isn't something that's metaphysical. It exists where it can pretaining to conditions. Love is defined. Love is measured. Love is cold, calculated, and what some live for.

I had a dream about Tuesday

She was happy, content. She got into a relationship with her guy friend and he actually treats her nice. Her eyes began to open wider at a new experience. She had new friends and barely had time for poetry. I found her history of her blogs and back tracked through profiles to find her. I scanned through a list of names, noting one that sounded like her. I saw her, it was a picture of her laughing. She looked so happy. I couldn't ruin that by going back in her life. I was heart broken knowing she hadn't even a thought of me at this point in her life. But I was happy. Because I knew she was happy. I hoped that she would message me one day, but I felt guilty, knowing id want her to love me.

Whom

Who I am I feel is defined as a clinically depressed suicidal wire line walker. But I just can't kill myself. I feel trapped in a pot heating up from a fire. I can't escape this pain and I've got to bear it. I cant find any release from this point in my life but through drugs.

Who knew human personality can get this complicated and deep.

High for Eternity

I smoked ll day since I've been home. My bck aches incessantly nd I actually feel happy. No worries no cares, I can't wait to smoke before work tomorrow. I hope im still up to par.

Oh Im officially a Murse now.

Dry Scales

A coworker was reading the obituaries during our lunch break. He was of my age and I heard him crack dark humor before. I thought he could agree with my opinnion on death.

Let me ask you something, do you really dare if one of our patients die?

No.
Blh balh blah

Organs In Sensation

Hell.
My writing is so.

Far.

Off.


I'm still that bittersweet bashful feeling when I get complimented. Fuck. When I talk like that I sound like a Fag. Fuck. Fuck.

Let's just say right now.. I'm high.

High of marijuana.

Which i'm on conditional discharge for.

I'm so fucking depressed, i think i'd feel comfortable living in a system where my life is planned out in routine. Like when I got put in the back of that car after being arrested.. You know.. When I think back to that time, I think I told Tuesday that.

God, Tuesday.

What a Day she was.

There was something about her that always had me.. somehow attracted and adored to her.

I did want to be the castle of her world.

But I couldn't take the anxiety, the anger, the illogical unreasonable metholodical psychosis.

She didn't seem crazy, not at all. She just kept ruminating in her own thoughts, as I do as well.

It's funny. I thought of you Tuesday, when Ember told me today, that she was "scared that it's not what I think." Ahem. Let me rephrase that for you.

Me: "what are you waiting for to come up baby?"
Ember: "I'm scared that it's not what I think... I love u so much"

I can't think. When I get emotions feeling like this, I can't focus. I can't make any logical judgements. I can't take those words in without a pulse being skipped in my heart. My breath is being lost at the fear of losing her. If she loves me, let her come and let me know her love is true. If she doesn't love me, tell her to let me go, because ...I've better things to do.

A Sick man's banter.

Lost under speculation

Im at the doctors right now for my stomach. It got real fucked up somehow. its excruciating to eat anything, or at least it was until 3 days ago. Now its just slight painful under my mid back.

Ive been really retarded recently. I can't come up with proper words, I can't use logic skills. My memory has turned to shit. I can't remember half the things I do anymore. Im beginning to feel like that movie momento.

I used to have this feeling when I smoked weed that I've had to much. Im at the point now where I can barely satisfy my needs. I still get to the point where I've had to much if my depression hits me real hard.

Ember just bought texting service and messaged me in the morning telling me she loves me and fixed her tattoo on her arm that used to say Ray* for her physically abusive ex boyfriend. Now it says Pray, for her religious beliefs. I told her apprehensively again that I was atheist. But a little light in a dark house will be a good thing.

I still love Ember even though its been 3 months since I've seen her. She's still living with that crazy guy in his house who's obsessed with her. The tale of the slum girl who had no love. She had to live with him so she wasn't homeless. She was for 3 days prior to moving In. She was jumped a block from where she stays one night when the crazy guy called the cops on her. Ember called me up bawling, and I told her id drive down to Florida to pick her up back home to me.

My new bestfriend Mikail, is planning to move in with me, he's going to be crashing on the couch paying a measely amount of money to help me make the bills. I work 7 days a week and struggle to find time to sleep. Im planning on sleeping early from now on.

I don't want to bother speaking to anyone far to often. The only words I want to read are from Ember. The only voice I want to hear need to be from Ember. I love her. Oh, fuck, im 23.

Burning

It burns when I piss.

It may be a disease.

It may be a reckoning.

It may be karma.

For my lack of self respect

For the lengths I go for another despite my well-being

Ember, you're a burning wildfire in my mind.
Tuesday, I sometimes wish every girl I meet until december is just a short shot of being the love of my life until you.
Hazlet, Im sorry I don't know what I want. I just want to hold someones hand and know im able to fulfill someones dreams. Also, the sex is great.

I cant hold on.

Im getting sick of this disaster.
of life laughing at me with nothing but
Cheer and Saunter.

God. Fuck.
Im getting emotional now.
I think im going to cry.
Where's my Ember?
Show me her,
Because I want to die.

Heartless

A time when im sick and unhealthy.
Ill grab anyone who breathes.
Like im stuck in a pit,
Trying not to die,
but possibly dragging others down,
To die with me.
With no regard of their well-being,
I assume I subconsciously
Take form as a monster
To survive without caring how
Even if its at the plight of another.

This sick and dark part of me,
Wants to fuck every girl
That comes in the latter.
To make them cum
And shake
To breathe
And quake
While my head grows larger.

I want to take care of my friends,
and not gloat from a horse above the heights of men.

Im afraid this love is a disaster.
That she's a liar,
A cold disregard for this heart
On fire.
That shell never show face,
For some reason that can't be
explained.
Because she can't talk
of course, because of the guy
She has to live with,
Who she "hates" and
Claws at her with his
eyes and imagination.
A need to live in dark deep stagnation,
While everything she's waiting for
Is ready and perfectly set,
she's afraid to move in
that ill fall out of love
And shell be stuck with nowhere to go
To live
to get back home
Because she's never had love, or someone
who she hasn't to look after.

Ember

I love her. I feel like shell shape the rest of my life.
Ill always love this girl, because she never did anything wrong to me, she ust wanted me to genuinely be loved. All I ever looked for. Im sorry I couldn't last Ember. You're going to be in my heart for as long as I live.

I love you baby.
Take care of yourself.

Fuck Me.

I had sex with Hazlet last night.

She came 3 or 4 times in an hour and a half.

I don't like being egotistical, but doing that to her makes me feel amazing.

Im not some sex god, I am the product of delayed ejaculation due to the side effect of escitalopram.

I couldn't stop thinking of Ember. My heart is still with her. God I haven't spoken to her in days. Fuck. I don't know why I can't stop loving this girl. Im not upset that I had sex with Hazlet, I couldn't withstand being alone. She's way to into me than I am her. Its dangerous.

I love you Ember.