Feeling

Despite how mad I get.
..I still _ _ _ _  _ _ _.

Fuck

Fucking Narrow minded.
Fucking Sensitive.
Fucking Ignorant.
Fucking One sided.
Fucking Blind.
Fucking Miss-interpretive
Fucking Close minded
Fucking Hard headed

Fucking Fuck I'm Angry.

Drawing In Class

Snort Cocaine.

I need some confidence. In life. Assurance. That every breath is worthwhile.

Good Morning

I layed in bed. Forever. I didn't want to leave. I didn't have to ask myself when i woke up, why wake up? because my body already knew. It just knew that it was better to sleep and stay out of the world then stay in it.

I woke up to an anonymous number texting me.

"Hey where are you?"

It was one of the trio. I missed an important meeting for the club i'm in.

I want to say it's because i'm depressed and completely out of it. But, I didn't mark it down on my calendar. I thought about it, and I think it was because I'm just to depressed to give a fuck.

My body is running on the bare minimum. It's running bare bones on the lowest possible function. It's trying to make everything simple because I can't take the stress.

I hate this stupid song but can't stop listening. "Broad Ripple is Burning"

Jobro asked why i was taking a picture of this. I mumbled eh no reason.

Empty.

I feel like i've been carved out.

I'm a hollowed core.

Scraped clean.

Numb And Raw.

It's been quite a while since I truly wrote.

I've been finding myself the way I should have.

The stress of I guess trying to find someone after X, has caused me to be unable to cope with just about everything.

I'm a zombie who walks the earth searching for love. I don't care for money. I don't care for food. I don't care for air.

I

Just

Want

Love

I want to spend everyday waking up next to someone.
I want to fucking. Die. Already.

I recently found my father has stage 3 colon cancer. It's metastatic (spreading) and the doctors gave him about 2 years left to live. I love you Dad.

I'm late for work.

And can't stop thinking how much I regret doing something that I don't know the outcome of.

Finding Myself.

I wanted to write real quick before sleeping. I'm afraid i Can't find my self again. I can't find out what I truly want to do with myself. It's hard to see. It's hard to just feel. All I know is that I just...


































find solace in one place.

This is horrible. I should have just edited it.

getting old fast.

Someone Once told me.
To Just write without editing.
               To just let one self, go.                       
It can be beautiful or
Something that we regret.
     I find myself often in regret
and missing the beauty.
Despite the way I look for you
     we're always one step off.
I mistook tonight. In far too many places.
This is why-- I fear. I fear we cannot grow and behold.
     To the story where we get old. That I'll be irrational, horrid, filling you
              with pain. To which may be wrong or right, I never find
                            pleasure-- only great disdain. Can you see it's why I
                                          ask you? To profess love so often? To quell
                                                       the heart and mind built on a
                                                        foundation of old sticks? I'm sorry
                                                            If I'm horrible for times I can't
                                                      Remember... The Ominous Elipses
                                             that do. And we can never help but find
                              them to be true. So tell me love, What I want to
                    hear, the thing about me and you and life with just us
               me and you? I regret not having. That one last chance
     to make sure were happy. Where I say good night, and
blow those genuine kisses. I'm sorry if I'm crazy. But, love.
I know I'll always come back to you, as long as your willing.
to hear me cry and plea-won't you just _ _ _ _ me?

Shit's Gone Astray.

Blank

Pauses

So with every sentence. There's this, Silence. This void of space and time. Where thought should not occur, but in my mind it does. It takes root and find's itself buried deep in the ground. It wonders why no reverberation comes to return it's original wave. It stands there in awe. Feeling every searing second waiting. It believes the depths of the earth may be infinite. That nothing will ever come back, to let it know that it's not alone in this universe. I'm finding fear. In these, Pauses. Paranoia, you've won this game. I have not overcome this burden. Just yet.

Tuesday

I

Adore

You

Your smile
Your laughter.
Us laying in bed,
pressing against the wall.
laid uncomfortably
sprawled and cross limbed

we lay together.

the streaks of the sun

come from the blinds

gliding through our skin

we hide half our faces

and look in eyes

to find nothing

but our beautiful lives.

Hiding.

From behind these walls, she barely stood tall. She looked with peering eyes through the window to see the kids playing outside. Their laughter and excitement and rush could be felt through the shutters. She grabbed close to the sill, thinking of what if they see.. I'll just pry with one my one little eye she whispered. Carefully growing her head like a cheetah in the pride. Her face sank close to the edge of the wooden window, gently brushing her lips. The kids did not see a thing and laughed and played without a wonder. She spoke "I see you."

Breathing

I'm trying so hard.
To just keep breathing.

Crying

Get the fuck away from me.

Today

Let's get serious.
You know who you are.
You know what you want.
You know what you can do.
You just choose not to.
Out of fear.
Out of regret.

Dreams

My dreams are fucking intense. It's stressful but not at the same time. I imagine in my sleep things I need to do for the day. I imagine them and then actually believe i'm doing them. I imagined calling my father. We had a full length conversation. I was glad to call him. He was glad to call me. I hung up the phone after the conversation and wondered well, what do I do now. Then I said to my self oh i've got to get a haircut. I drove to the barber down the road. I walked inside and asked if they could cut my hair any shorter. There were moments that skipped to where I was in the chair. I wondered why I didn't remember them. I said oh that's just my really shitty memory. and kept going along. The barber was really ghetto looking as most of them were at this barber shop. I sat in a black leather chair and he threw the tarp over me as I tried to get over my anxiety of being around people. He pushed my head forward to raise the clippers on the back of my head. He was pressing hard at first then easier as he got higher on my head. He moved to my side, doing the same movements as I felt his finger tips grabbing my head. Then he disappeared. I looked around the shop confused. I saw everyone walking around and asked another barber if they knew where he went to. He said he'd be right out. My aunt came into the shop. I thought she was there to pick me up. She had crazy hair that was very thick and longer then hers was. She didn't speak. The barber came up to her without knowing if she spoke english and asked me if she wanted a haircut. I said no she's here to pick me up, but she interrupted and said she did. She didn't understand him the first time he asked her. I said oh okay. and then awaited for my barber. He finally came back and started working on me again. The next thing I knew I was getting up from the chair going to pay for the haircut. The kid who was at the register I now realize was the kid I saw at a bar a few days ago. I asked him if my haircut was finished and said fuck it i'll just come back. And he told me that I didn't have to pay because they were really unprofessional and that it didn't take much to fool them. So i said okay, and walked out of the store. Outside the store turned into a bar. I saw President hanging around the side and started speaking with her. Asking her what she was doing here. She was excited to see me and told me the people who she knew here. I saw her sister and she told me to go speak to her. I wasn't sure of her name and I said lauren or laura? and she said lauren laughing histarically. I walk in her direction and she disappears. I find my old bestfriend supra, and we began talking walking around. Eventually he walks off and I see ireland. She comes up to me after I scream her name and she says hey whats up and gives me a big hug. She came close like she wanted to kiss me but as I stood still, she backed away. I told her that it's weird how she does that, but she denied doing it. She left me and I grew tired of the spot I was in. I found one of green-lantern's old friends and asked him how long this bar has been here. He said it was crazy good and they go there every tuesday. I said no way. President told me we'd go there this week as she appeared out of the blue and disappeared just as fast. There was a crowd of people so it was easy to get lost and have it be believable. Me and green-lantern's friend walked down to the lower portion of the bar, me tripping and finding an open bag of candy taking it. To the left me turned into an indoors convenience store. There was a line of gift cards on shelves to my left and if you followed it, it turned into shelves with candy. I mentioned to greenlantern's friend, I love how they keep the really easy to open plastic bag candy so close to all the drunk people. He said you're crazy man as I was shoving the candy corn and unwrapped starbursts in my mouth so nobody would see I stole them. We walked around for a bit, Then I blacked out, became frustrated with myself because I couldn't remember moments of the night. I realized it was a dream. I woke up to Jobro calling me.

Don't read this. It's just Pointless bullshit.

I can't take this.
I can't take this.
I can't take this.

I can't take this.
I can't take this.
I Cant take this.

I caN't take THIS.
I CAn'T take THIS.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

speak speak speak. I can't help but not think i can't help but scratch the fucking walls for words to the feelings i feel. I can't find the words i want. I can't find anything i'm looking for. I'm blind with out a hope. I'm blind and full of doubt. I can't trust people. I can't trust liars. I can't find the ground? Oh dear fucking god where is the ground? NO ONE SHOULD READ THIS. I'm just going to close my eyes and type. I'm just going to type and type and type until i feel like i shouldn't type anymore. It should be a good way of expressing myself. I hope that I can. Let's see.  what do i want right now? I want to be happy with Tuesday. I want to be happy with tuesday I want to be hapyp with tuesday. But i don't know if i can. Why can't you> beacuse, i feel like something is a miss a rye a fucking hang nail that's ready to rip flesh to bone. I can't take it i can't take it I can't take it. I can't take this I can't take THIS I CAN'T TAKE THIS.

N o  o n e  s h o u l d  f e e l  s o r r y  f o r  m e.

The more we get pain the more work it takes. The more work it takes to unravel the spindle of pain that hides our core. The core which is beautiful and prestine. God damnit. God fucking damnit. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

2:28 PM

Well fuck.

I'm disappointed.

In what?

The day.

What's wrong with the day?

I expected to be out somewhere with someone.

Who's someone?

No one in particular. I just. Thought i'd be out somewhere. and that someone would want me there.

You're in a rut today.

I know I am.

It's strange isn't it?

Do you know why you're in a rut?

I think so.

Tell me what happened.

Well, kansas jobro and I were playing xbox and kansastold us he had some girl stay over his house. then brushed it off like it was nothing. Then he said he had a friend who he'd just randomly hook up with whenever he wanted. Kansas is not attractive but he is a really nice guy. I just.. find it so.. hard to believe that someone could have such success in finding someone to just be there and want him, (it doesnt matter physically or emotionally.) It makes me look at my life and see that I don't know what i'm doing to be so alone. It made me think of the reason why I broke up with X. To live a life like that. To live a life I can't live. But i'm starting to think even if I had the life he did, it still wouldn't be enough. I feel like just saying fuck the world right now. Fuck the world and leave me alone. I want to just walk outside and find a field so that i can just lay there and bask in the sun.

You know..

What do i fucking know?

I'm sorry. I don't have words to tell you right now.

It's okay. I'm going to go, pass out or smoke weed or something.

Fourth Person.

Come Home

(If a correct assumption) From the point of view of another but given through first person.

Hey.

Hey.

Do you know who I am?

I don't know, you are, because I am you.

I'm stressed because I don't think I could ever just hang out with someone.
:Erase:

Do you have things that you like to do?

Video games... Draw.. guitar.. tv..  school..

Do you really feel like you enjoy those things?

Not really.

Just do it.

Do what?

You know what we think

You know what I think?

Yeah.

Well, no.

Okay. Can I tell you something? I don't look forward to tomorrow.

You don't?

No. It's just why bother?

I couldn't tell you.

You should erase time.

I should.

Me and X

I don't know why I'm so angry looking. I was probably being joke serious.  I have to say, I look quite bad ass/assholish with my Mohawk and that stern look. Haha.

Withdrawal?

Bleeding thoughts through the crevices of my brain.
Ripping nails off the hands of self-control
Tearing through life, the sail will surely end.

My Head

Is surging. Flushing. Churning. When I stand up, my head. It just. Goes. The pounding, the disorient. It makes me feel like i'm high. It makes me want to act out, but realize that i didn't need to act out. It makes me want to speak, only to regret the words once spoken.

The chill the window sends to my arms and back is growing. The time I find to write is slowly crying.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

Can't Focus.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

I'm slowly crashing.

Finding less reasons to.

Fictional Story:

She didn't know how she ended up here. Or how she got in this photo. With the faces she couldn't make out even without the editing. The night was a daze, and with awing twists. She walked haplessly around the party with no shoes that she dearly missed. Her jeans were tight and her shirt a bit to revealing. Revealing to her beauty not to her flesh. Revealing to the mind of all those who tried. Her gait was a stagger, with the purple of the sky above her. The grass felt fresh like a garden green ballad. She would encompass the grounds with a joyous vigor. Throwing her body to the teeth of the liquor. The people they watched and laughed without anger. They were happy as she to be now and there. To live that day, to breathe air.

 Her ghost was helpless to watch. Far from the real. He watched in horror, as he could not protect her. He shot looks and glares and Burned out screams from life there after. At the men who gazed for curiosity, space, or whatever. He felt uncalm and uneasy. Her skin no longer warmed his heart in the darkness of after. He would never see the reflection of himself in her eyes, never. It irks him to follow, but he knows he couldn't stop. The flame has been lit and will never black out. His fire would never die so he'd just cry. To hover on her shoulder, he'd try his hardest to be close. He held his arms around her even as a ghost.

drunk and beyond.

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