Buddha.

Laying

I'm on the floor. Looking into space. Feeling the hard surface push against my lungs when i breathe in. It feels relaxing and off putting at the same time. I wish I could just lay. I could just lay and lay and lay and lay. I wish I had someone to lay with me. To do what I wanted. Unquestioned. Is it so much to ask? To just have someone to lay with?

Disgust

Feeling it.

The rut is at a distance.

It's not what i'm feeling.

What are you feeling?

Who knows.

You

It's a bit indescribable.

Hm.

Yeah.

Sust.

So can you talk to me?

Can you talk to me?

No./No.

Head down.
Eyes closed.
Breathe.
Repeat.

Fearful

Do I need to explain?

It'll only rain.
The clouds will cover the sky
The food will be bland
The birds won't sing
Kisses would sting

I should be

Dead.

i drove home drunk.

i feell asleep.

 several times.

I don't remember the trip.

I saw deer.

IT was.
Fucking dumb


I should be dead.
Ishouldbedead.

I should be DEAD.

WHO FUCKING CARES THAT I'M ALIVE.


WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT I THINK WHAT I TALK ABOUT?

NO ONE FUCKING CARES. NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE FOR ME NO ONE WANTS WHAT I WANT.


Maybe you should off yourself

you know i don't htink it's that bad

then why are you so.. crazy?

i don't fucking know i just have all this.. feeling in me.

you know what i think you should do?

what

get a girlfriend.


maybe.


what do you think that would solve?


nothing..

sexual frustation?

possibly, but who fucking cares.


once it's over, it's like.. who fucking cares?

you know what dave?

what.

you're drunk.


you' have work

you'rge going to be the most jaded person I know.


Alright.


FUCK THE WORLD. FUCK EVERYTHING THAT IT STANDS FOR.

tell life i said

fuckyoulllllajee`iadoreyoulifeistoohardtooshortandtooquickformeidontknowwhattodowithmylifehahahahahahahahahimaybedrunkbutiknowdeepdowniwanttowelltakeeverythingonestepattimeforgivemeforwhatimaboutodoimnotgoingtokillmyselfipromisebutwhenyoudonthearfrommethinkofblank

Head Cold

I just got my head shaved at Jobros.

I took a video of me and kryptonite going out at one of her friends house party's.
I want to wrtie about how it went. It was uh, pretty uh. Dirty. In the cleanliness sense.

Fuck I'm going to be late for escuela

I was bored.

Chapter 1

Presence

He woke up to the steel cold air biting his toes. The blanket he wishfully wrapped himself in the night before had lost it's place. His eyes were still closed and the grip on his muscles in his jaw were taught. He wrinkled his eyes as he crunched and curled his body to finally arising into a sitting position. He hugged his knees as he ran through the spontaneous thoughts he had imagined in his sleep. The girl who smiled at him in the coffee shop. The bug he followed on his hands and knees as it carried crumbs. The ship he saw on television carrying his car keys. He realized the ridiculousness and how unconnected his thoughts were. He spent an hour in bed. Writhing. He laid pillows behind his back against the wall to use like a couch. It reminded him of therapy.

Therapist: So what did you think about when you grabbed the knife?

Matheus: I didn't think.

Therapist: Are you sure? You didn't think of anything that made you sad?

Matheus: I thought of her.

Therapist: Who?

Matheus: Nevermind.

Therapist: You've come across something you feel would change what  I think of you. I'm nothing more then a mirror or a reflection in the water.

Matheus: You're wrong. You're more like reality.

He looked at the scars on his wrists. He thought of how they took him away from life. He thought it was beautiful. The way the body could heal itself so easily. Holding his arm up infront of his face the dim green lights of modern technology peered in the corner of his eye. The clock read 7:47. He realized he was late for work. Nearly an hour had passed since he woke. Work had no feeling to him. He couldn't describe it. It was inborn in his mind that as a man he should work so he did. He quickly ate his breakfast as he saw it more as fuel rather then a delicious taste or texture. He walked down the stairs of his apartment, hoping not to come across another. He hated people. He felt those he didn't know were equal to wolves in the wild. He dared not to make eye contact, and when he did he would stare them in the eye and reflect their emotion. He'd blackout when he spoke. Never remembering the conversation but rather the sensation. Pain. He forgot he moved to the city. A place where people gathered. He hailed a cab as soon as he got to the curb and spoke "35th st and 8th ave." He moved to the city to get close to his now ex-girlfriend.

A.C.

Drunk

Hung over

High

I'm paranoid.

Anthony Kiedis

X read a book about him. His life. Synopsis: He was drugged out by the age of 4. Hes normal why can't I be?

 The lyrics of RHCP's songs feel like the same way I think. Random insensible lyrics jumbled up out of context. Everything can be taken metaphorically. But most importantly, it's beautiful.

Manipulate

Defend
Seethe
Reprimand.

:To take the ground where it's given. Despite the respect and admiration.

To hide a lie within a lie to break.
              Finding alike to spite the night

So can you find the walls with your eyes closed?
       
                                              best to hold hands high.

don't walk fast now. she'll grab you by your feet.

Folly

His cancer grows.
      In the dark corners of his mind.
              Where no one can see the graphic memories
He's left behind.

Crack
          Crack
                         Crack
                                                Crack
                                                                       Crack
              *Drip*

Human

A heart breaks.
With the sound of thunder
Dreams disperse
Like the reflection of dark clouds on water
The warmth leaves
Like the early abandonment of a passionate lover

These are feelings I once felt.
Feelings I used to know
Feelings that I could relate.

Now, Jaded
rough.
displaced.

Shifting

Find your center
find your core.
Find the earth
find the ground.
Lose the space
that needs no place.
Take the pain
that makes insane
and find it holds
the brain in place.
It lives two lives
I cannot deny
so let your
mind erase.

What's Wrong?

I am stone
I do not change or morph
or have different faces
I do not carry different tones
or stand in different places

you try to fit me in a cup
that I break
you try to move me to a different place
but I stay
you try to tell me I am not stone
hoping I'll fray.

Please Don't Be Sad.

I'm sitting here, Staring at your picture.
seeing you even when my eyes close.
I have fragments of images that play
like the old home movies
with all the heart warming effect.
while we lay in bed.
The heat of the sun holds our passion.
I'm following your arm
with gentle eyes
so close that you can feel my breath.
you're sleeping but awake
knowing my presence you embrace
our own selfish desires
gliding my face along the fingers of your hand.
you're eyes slowly open up
but they look at me as if they'd been open
as if they knew what to expect.
the calmness of this moment is so, serene.
the love, so deep.
my heart sinks in these dreams
but for now, we'll just breathe.

:-*

I need a break

My emotions are running dry.
Not you miss paranoid.
This feeling got me by the throat today.
I was doing fine.
playing games.
listening to music
having fun.
but now there's this
blunted affect.
i can't stop staring
at the cuts of light
breaking through my blinds
unto my arm.
it speaks to me
saying
bask
and
wait.
I think i need to lay down
break from reality
stop and breathe.
kiss me, won't you?

Emails

Our Protagonist-------------------------
Thats good! I'm really glad to hear that you're living with your aunt. I told you to live with her, i don't know why you didn't think you could.. Lol. But tax preparer's class.. yeah i gotta get on that shit too, my mom takes over all my financial stuff and tax shit so i'm super clueless. i'll be a fish out of water by the time i move out on my own.

I know you did, he told me. He's hilarious haha. I literally laughed out loud when he was talking about you and how he missed you. It's alright if you tell me though Tito James doesn't really have anything to hide.. I don't think he knows how to hide anything.. haha. I don't really care that he comes to visit you it's whatever. My family just likes you is all. They just want to make sure that you're doing okay. I'm sorry it makes it uncomfortable, what's so uncomfortable about it? I mean if you don't want to talk about it and want me to tell them to back off I will.

Don't worry about it! I'm only talking to you in a friendship way. I honestly want nothing to do with a relationship right now. But it's hilarious, my mom brings you up still and it's just a broken fucking record every other week. It's just because I haven't had a girlfriend since you so they're all like weird about it. Idk, it's a filipino thing, what my mom and tito james does. I don't f'n get it and I never will. It's best to just say whatever and let them do their thing haha..

The reason i was speechless last email is cause i was in one of those ruts. I bounce in and out of em. It's not too bad, just everything gets frustrating ya know? I'm doing tons better I think now, although I feel super selfish doing things for myself. and only myself. I'm having a hard time saying "fuck you, it's about me" when it comes to doing anything with people but i'm getting better at it.


i'm going to digress a bit. I just randomly have these urges to spurt out random utterances. It makes me feel like i'm crazy haha.. Like, at the end of the last paragraph. I just wanted to write out poetry randomly. Horrible poetry of course, but poetry none the less.


the life we live
the love we give

the things we hate

makes but pain

so save our fate,

we must forget

to continue on

the life we love

we move on


X----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well its nice to know that your family is just as interesting as I remember them lol and it just makes me laugh when you say that stuff about christina and  james.I do feel bad for ynah though since shes stuck in the middle... at least she has you to talk to about those things! When I saw your titio james he mentioned that she goes to college now, that's great!

Anyway....Considering I was the renown jmhs poetry club editor in chief my senior year, I must say your writing does sound a bit mediocre.... jk!  I would put you in the magazine. Maybe your the next walt whitman, you can take free verse to the next level! Writing is a good way to express yourself, I use to keep a diary when I was younger even. 

How is guitar going btw? In my opinion maybe you should stop labeling yourself as crazy, and just say artistic because if I remember correctly your were amazing with pen and paper, a musician, and now you write poetry. Think about it.

Living with my aunt it alright I guess, I'm really grateful to be staying with her. I like being able to help her with general things around the house. She walks around on oxygen and can't catch her breathe sometimes. The other day I drove her around toms river to get some shopping/business done that she otherwise couldn't do in one day. And I love cleaning, which sounds weird, but there's tons of it that needs to get done here. Like I said it alright living here, except we tried watching colbert together (which she actually enjoys watching, score!) but then she found out I didn't vote, so she gave me this whole lecture on voting....we eventually found a middle ground lol

Hmm ...and about feeling selfish sometimes, well I think as long as it's in moderation it's okay to act on. And if it doesn't bring harm to anyone, then seize the moment. For some period of life everyone should satisfy their own wants and desires, it's natural. How else can someone learn the sort of things they like. It's a different kind of feeling to accept, but it's there for a reason.

Decipher

I'm trying so hard to lose my soul.
It's something I really don't need.
If the devil were to make a bargain,
he'd be a happy fellow indeed.

A soul is a thing
that puts meaning to hate
pain that can be so great

If only I rid my key to heaven
I could help you find it's path
To show you how to take
every step to it's last.

I want to steal the dark
of the world and
bear it in my chest.
So you may finally look at me
smile and rest.

The Fuck

It grabs my chest tight.
A fucking feeling that i can't shake off.
No matter how far i run it's right there with me.
The fucking bane it carries
Burden digging deep. deep. deep.
The wishes i carry
Drag pain like chains
the anchor sinking deep.

Old

I feel like an old man in a young man's body. I feel like i've lived a hell of a life, and now I'm alone after the death of a spouse. I feel like i've walked through everyone's shoes and could say i've been there before. I feel like there's no more room to grow and i've hit the ceiling. I can't find that connection everyone so effortlessly makes. That one where people can have a relationship. I really don't understand where it comes from. What makes people so much more adept to be in a relationship then I? What makes someone a good partner? I really don't understand it. I feel like. I'm a fucking mutant. something of another species walking among mankind. I look human on the outside. But as soon as someone gets to know me, it's just.. well. A red flag gets set. My friends don't call me unstable.

Breaking thoughts.

Everything is slowly losing meaning.
Hold on, Hold on.

beyond frustration

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