Please Don't Be Sad.

I'm sitting here, Staring at your picture.
seeing you even when my eyes close.
I have fragments of images that play
like the old home movies
with all the heart warming effect.
while we lay in bed.
The heat of the sun holds our passion.
I'm following your arm
with gentle eyes
so close that you can feel my breath.
you're sleeping but awake
knowing my presence you embrace
our own selfish desires
gliding my face along the fingers of your hand.
you're eyes slowly open up
but they look at me as if they'd been open
as if they knew what to expect.
the calmness of this moment is so, serene.
the love, so deep.
my heart sinks in these dreams
but for now, we'll just breathe.

:-*

I need a break

My emotions are running dry.
Not you miss paranoid.
This feeling got me by the throat today.
I was doing fine.
playing games.
listening to music
having fun.
but now there's this
blunted affect.
i can't stop staring
at the cuts of light
breaking through my blinds
unto my arm.
it speaks to me
saying
bask
and
wait.
I think i need to lay down
break from reality
stop and breathe.
kiss me, won't you?

Emails

Our Protagonist-------------------------
Thats good! I'm really glad to hear that you're living with your aunt. I told you to live with her, i don't know why you didn't think you could.. Lol. But tax preparer's class.. yeah i gotta get on that shit too, my mom takes over all my financial stuff and tax shit so i'm super clueless. i'll be a fish out of water by the time i move out on my own.

I know you did, he told me. He's hilarious haha. I literally laughed out loud when he was talking about you and how he missed you. It's alright if you tell me though Tito James doesn't really have anything to hide.. I don't think he knows how to hide anything.. haha. I don't really care that he comes to visit you it's whatever. My family just likes you is all. They just want to make sure that you're doing okay. I'm sorry it makes it uncomfortable, what's so uncomfortable about it? I mean if you don't want to talk about it and want me to tell them to back off I will.

Don't worry about it! I'm only talking to you in a friendship way. I honestly want nothing to do with a relationship right now. But it's hilarious, my mom brings you up still and it's just a broken fucking record every other week. It's just because I haven't had a girlfriend since you so they're all like weird about it. Idk, it's a filipino thing, what my mom and tito james does. I don't f'n get it and I never will. It's best to just say whatever and let them do their thing haha..

The reason i was speechless last email is cause i was in one of those ruts. I bounce in and out of em. It's not too bad, just everything gets frustrating ya know? I'm doing tons better I think now, although I feel super selfish doing things for myself. and only myself. I'm having a hard time saying "fuck you, it's about me" when it comes to doing anything with people but i'm getting better at it.


i'm going to digress a bit. I just randomly have these urges to spurt out random utterances. It makes me feel like i'm crazy haha.. Like, at the end of the last paragraph. I just wanted to write out poetry randomly. Horrible poetry of course, but poetry none the less.


the life we live
the love we give

the things we hate

makes but pain

so save our fate,

we must forget

to continue on

the life we love

we move on


X----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well its nice to know that your family is just as interesting as I remember them lol and it just makes me laugh when you say that stuff about christina and  james.I do feel bad for ynah though since shes stuck in the middle... at least she has you to talk to about those things! When I saw your titio james he mentioned that she goes to college now, that's great!

Anyway....Considering I was the renown jmhs poetry club editor in chief my senior year, I must say your writing does sound a bit mediocre.... jk!  I would put you in the magazine. Maybe your the next walt whitman, you can take free verse to the next level! Writing is a good way to express yourself, I use to keep a diary when I was younger even. 

How is guitar going btw? In my opinion maybe you should stop labeling yourself as crazy, and just say artistic because if I remember correctly your were amazing with pen and paper, a musician, and now you write poetry. Think about it.

Living with my aunt it alright I guess, I'm really grateful to be staying with her. I like being able to help her with general things around the house. She walks around on oxygen and can't catch her breathe sometimes. The other day I drove her around toms river to get some shopping/business done that she otherwise couldn't do in one day. And I love cleaning, which sounds weird, but there's tons of it that needs to get done here. Like I said it alright living here, except we tried watching colbert together (which she actually enjoys watching, score!) but then she found out I didn't vote, so she gave me this whole lecture on voting....we eventually found a middle ground lol

Hmm ...and about feeling selfish sometimes, well I think as long as it's in moderation it's okay to act on. And if it doesn't bring harm to anyone, then seize the moment. For some period of life everyone should satisfy their own wants and desires, it's natural. How else can someone learn the sort of things they like. It's a different kind of feeling to accept, but it's there for a reason.

Decipher

I'm trying so hard to lose my soul.
It's something I really don't need.
If the devil were to make a bargain,
he'd be a happy fellow indeed.

A soul is a thing
that puts meaning to hate
pain that can be so great

If only I rid my key to heaven
I could help you find it's path
To show you how to take
every step to it's last.

I want to steal the dark
of the world and
bear it in my chest.
So you may finally look at me
smile and rest.

The Fuck

It grabs my chest tight.
A fucking feeling that i can't shake off.
No matter how far i run it's right there with me.
The fucking bane it carries
Burden digging deep. deep. deep.
The wishes i carry
Drag pain like chains
the anchor sinking deep.

Old

I feel like an old man in a young man's body. I feel like i've lived a hell of a life, and now I'm alone after the death of a spouse. I feel like i've walked through everyone's shoes and could say i've been there before. I feel like there's no more room to grow and i've hit the ceiling. I can't find that connection everyone so effortlessly makes. That one where people can have a relationship. I really don't understand where it comes from. What makes people so much more adept to be in a relationship then I? What makes someone a good partner? I really don't understand it. I feel like. I'm a fucking mutant. something of another species walking among mankind. I look human on the outside. But as soon as someone gets to know me, it's just.. well. A red flag gets set. My friends don't call me unstable.

Breaking thoughts.

Everything is slowly losing meaning.
Hold on, Hold on.

beyond frustration

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