Diffusion

It feels like that iron and wine diffuses my problems because listening to the music that they bring up just makes me forget everything. thank god. It feels great. It's about 5 minutes before i ahve to leave for work and i'm exhausted. What is this gap that I feel. When will it be gone?



So Jobro, his girlfriend, Andromeda and I were all out eating at an apple bees. They were telling me how my X completely just whored out. She was the most subtle and prude girl you could ever imagine who thought everything was gross. Her step-father is to blame for that. If i still had the chance to kill him and get away with it i think i would. I know I broke her. I pushed her past her limits. Although she does have a trigger who's practically her only friend now. I'll call her Voldemort. Well Voldemort is just some.. I don't know how to describe her rationally so i'll just say what comes to mind: Dumb, Manipulative, Lying, Stealing, Whore, Slut, Disgrace, Wasted Space of a human being.

I'm used to:
having someone there to always listen
instant gratification by making someone else happy

If it weren't for iron and wine on pandora radio, i don't think i could've made it.

I'm starving. What is isolation again? I wish I could tell you.

Princess and other things.

I'm starting to think that I'm a dolt. That she gave me her number just because. Whatever. I haven't spoken to her all day. I'm not sure how often your supposed to speak to people after you get their number. I feel like i'm  the only one in the world with free time and  by free time i mean having spend so much time doing nothing. I hate life wasted.

Wonder if i'll have something with Princess. I'm mutual about it now because i know i made her laugh last. IF - that werent the case i'm pretty sure i'd constantly be thinking of hard objects i could hit myself with. Or stairs long enough for me to fall down until i forgot what happened.

I'm reallyy starting to think i'm going bipolar. Or easily forgetful of every happy moment.

Rise forth my Son

Be the truth of the light as the first dawn. Bear not the mark of bane and burden. Show me the face of a true companion. One that was long forgotten and truly missed until this day. A day that will be remembered. For there were no days come to pass greater than this. You fall not at question but take each word and phrase as it is given. To abstain from a false convalescence you speak. Risen above a faux-consciousness that was bred from lies and indecision you attain a true clarity; you answer. Now. without fault, apprehension, or disdain. Rest. it has been long needed.

Princess gave me her number. She said she loves the city and to eat out at nobu.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Psychologist?

I just got clearance from me mum. I can go see a psycholgist now, I'm drunk atm while writing. God theres so much to fucking go through in life isnt there>? I feel like shit. I think i'm far too sensitive for anything in the world. I always over react. I'm always far to much in everythign t odo anything. FUCK!

 Don't you just wish there was something out there. Excuseme  someone out there for you who understood you and felt exactly the way you do. Who thinks like you. Who feels like you. who talks like you. Who understands your every move. God damn where the fuck are you,. I miss someone understanding me. I miss you Xall of the sudden. This is the first time i have. I need someone who understands me.

Girl, i hope you're there tomorrow. I plan on asking fi you want coffe and trying to initiate in some form of conversatin. HOPEFULLY i'm not completely fu king retarded and anti social. aaa yahknow?!

Iron and wine you've saved my life. I want to kill my self again. Life feels ike a fucking bipolar roller coast.ert.

My eyes are burning out of my skull and my skin feels detatched. i'm becoming more inhuman by the day. I hope my life doesnt fall apart like i feel it is. I feel like my social skills are getting better but tit's like i'm not accepting it. Like i act appropriately cause it makes me feel good but it doesnt really satisfy me to where i need it to.. The outside is stable, but the inside is slowly deteriorating at an impressive rate. maybe i shouldn't speak when i'm drunk.. Maybe i should realize:

EVERYtHING IS AS WE MAKE IT.

Haven't eaten breakfast. A girl awaits.

Not truly waiting for me of course in that sense. I plan to speak to her today if she's at school. On a Friday... I wonder what that says about her. How she spends her time.. School on a Friday must mean she's very focused on work and really wants to do well. Or if your my case, hate spending time alone because it makes you realize that your a loser and you have no friends.

I plan on posting in some love forum:

Topic Headline: Why do I feel like finding someone so badly?

Short Story: I can't help but feel the need to find someone. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and I'm the one who ended it. She was my first girlfriend, and I found myself to be prone to talking to other girls and wishing I had something with them. So I decided to break it off, I couldn't do that to her.

After the relationship I've went from meeting a few girls and having it end up no where. I didn't mind. I really didn't care if i was single or if i had someone. All until the most recent girl i met.

She messed me up more so than leaving a four year relationship. For a week straight we spoke to each other everyday on the phone for at least four hours before we slept. Than one day it all changed. She said she liked me but said I was too perfect for her. Saying that being with me would make her so scared to mess up and that having something so precious or important in her life would drive her insane. Be it truth or farce, I don't care I just wish it never happened.

Ever since then, I've been stricken with this unending feeling of need. I can't think, I can't focus, I'm in such a huge depression from it. I have few friends which more than likely makes my situation worse. (I lost them all from my ex's controlling relationship.) It's been 4 months of this desperate need for another. I really could care less about college, my degree, my hobbies, almost everything.

Extra shit:

I've always had a bit of social anxiety, to where I'd never eat meals with my family. I've had no reason not to, they're as loving as could be. I never came close to a girl until I was 17. Before that point the only thing I was close to was becoming permanently fused with my computer.Video games were my life. Then in some stranger occurrence than being struck by lightening, my friends introduced me to a girl. I was horrible, they may as well have attached strings to my hands and feet because I didn't know what i was doing. I wanted to be with her but being a anti-social computer nerd didn't really help much.



I changed some stuff because i sounded like a pussy. haha. www.loveforum.net