Years Later

We got into it lastnight. A culmination of all the little things slowly made it's way through and I lost it.

I want to say sorry but when I look inside I feel I dont have to.

For the record

People say time moves slower for the observer in no acceleration while time moves faster for the observer moving at a high acceleration.

This is true.

However, people have the mindset that this means time effects individuals differently. Example:
 An astronaut leaves his five year old daughter for a round trip in a spaceship traveling the speed of light. He comes back after a year long voyage to find his five year old daughter is now ten years old, while he himself is only 1 year older. This, I believe, is incorrect.

The experience of time on cells and molecules will be equivalent despite what our sense and  conception of time tells us. It is only the measurement of time that is changing. In example:
If you have a pair of bombs with a fuse that are exactly identical by the atom and are lit in exactly the same environments, they each will explode at the same exact universal *real*time. To each person recording, their records will have varying answers due to their references in space. The recorders will have drastically different answers but all are true. In the reference of the universe, which we can see through our thoughts, time will always be a constant linear measurement. . .

Last paragraph sloppy but I'm hungry.

Things have been great for a while.
I mean, I'm not really depressed right now even.

Just frustrated?

I think this disease will kill me. Sometimes it makes me happy.

Is that depressed? I'm not sure.

Draw has me up the wall sometimes.

She really makes me feel like I'm losing my mind and the thought of telling her how I honestly feel sounds so enticing.

She's sick.

We pulled up the hill toward the house I've lived in since I was 14. We walked in through the garage door kicking off our shoes next to the couch. She sat herself in the living room and began to lie down. As I began the laundry, I heard her cry from down the hall. I pressed on with my chore as I know her bouts all to well.

I explained the time needed before we were to leave as to give her a better picture. Her face wrinkled as she peered toward the floor. I pushed myself to hurry and suggested I wash my whites by hand in the tub upstairs. She did not stir. At the top few steps she began to weep
loudly.

"What's the matter?"

"I wanna go home." In a piercing cry.

"Okay, if you feel you can't wait." I spoke assuredly.

"Can you tell me how to get home?" Shrilling slowly but loudly enough to make my stomach tense.

My mind trembled in frustration. Why can't she just remember? You are a grown adult without any difficulties learning beside your own decisions. Her pain is overbearing, she cannot take on challenges well.

"Sure. Give me a second."

I let my clothes fall to the tub and ran the water. I savored my time to let my mind relax. I felt a blinding stress fill me. The water was warm, my fingers pushed to the base feeling the level rise. I've been gone to long, my heart feeling weighted.

Her face was red and tears streamed to her neck. I calmly explained to her the way home.

My laundry almost completed, she called.

"Where are you? It's almost been 2 hours." Every word waspishily filled with poison.

I carefully watched the machines. I stayed aside checking dutifully over the hour.

"That's how long it takes, I don't know what to tell you." Speaking first with guilt, ending with an unmeasured venom.

In between painful sobs she raised her tone "I can't sleep with you coming home. You are so loud and make every noise in the world when you come in. I just want to go to bed."

I'm sorry I forgot I'm only capable of walking alike a deliriously rabid bear up stairs and a sliding door. I'll make a note that I'm a serious piece of shit for having to do whats necessary to go to work in clean clothing that was only delayed to abide to your choosing of how we spend our day. Your fucking needs are incredibly selfish and make me wish I was dead.

I took a moment to respond.

"Well what do you want me to do, this is what it takes. I'll see you at home soon."

Sometimes

I just want to fucking get away from everyone.

I'm tired of deadlines.
I'm tired of people suggesting what I do.
I'm tired of people depending on me.
I'm tired of people asking why I make the decisions I do.
I'm tired of having to sacrifice pieces of my soul to get what I deserve.

Value

Just got out of my therapist's office.

Value.

To have value is to give worth.

Worth is determined by needs.

What is it that you need?

Do you need food?

Water?

Shelter?

Stimulation?

Friendship?

When you have value

In presence of others,

You are appraised.

You are utilized.

I ask myself why

Or how will it make me feel.

My mind draws blank,

I see the leaves rustling in wind.

The wind whispering,

Heat calming my skin.

Post-Pragmatic

Today I have school. I"m reluctant to go because I can't face the things I have to do. The stress is compiled because I have group mates to write a paper with me. I'm sorry. I feel I need to apologize to you. I've found this feeling in the past to be mirrored back to me. It was comforting.
-------
Sandra. I sacrifice so much for you. I cook for you, I buy your food, I help you get dressed, I brush your teeth, I help you up and down the stairs, I clean your room for you, I clean your dishes, I do a few of your chores, I sacrifice time with my friends, I sacrifice time I should spend at school, I sacrifice days I could work for extra money.

Sometimes when I want to be alone, you get upset. That makes me upset. I feel like saying "Come on don't do that to me." It's meant to be shown that the person saying it loves you so much that it pains them to see their significant other sad. Don't be sad for me please, I don't want to feel like I'm hurting by doing the things I need in my life.

Whenever I talk to you in a voice that isn't completely calm, you get anxious and tell me I'm being an asshole. I'm raising my voice because it's frustrating and that I want to deal with it. But I feel you become elusive when confronting these problems and see them in a way I never will. I feel you incredibly exaggerate almost everything and I know it's something you can't help but you can't hold me to your standards continuously.

 I can't think of the things that you sacrifice in your life as I do for you. What do you do for me? Do you let me watch my shows with me? Do you let me spend times with my friends without making me feel guilty?

What am I doing? Should I be with you? Is that what's best for me? I love you, but I hate how you make me feel like a monster.

------

Absent

I haven't felt like this in sometime.


It could've been the stress from my life
Drinking when I should've worked
Staying sober so I could drive to Love's

I woke every hour I slept.
I felt I had to figure out what I was doing with my life but there was nothing when I looked.

forthcoming

A necessity to happiness is growth.

I've always felt as if I was waiting for something. Something would always keep my mind awake, striving to stay away from sleep.

That something is growth.

finding something I can learn and prove my aptitude. Letting my body know that I am still capable.

Stagnation brings about my sadness and mental stress.

Example of things that provide my growth:
Knowing I can make someone love me.
Experiencing something new that I truly want or have interest in.
Knowing I can succeed at a conversation.

Than again, I'm on caffeine. It's a joke of a drug sure. But for some reason I'm really feeling it.

Enjoy the ride!

The bullet's path

I step inside my door. I look around and see things I've seen before.

I find myself sitting the previous molds I've long created in my past.

I take my place and let the blood drain from my body onto the floor.

Ounce by ounce a piece of me drifts away into this place.

My happiness is grown outside the walls and falls apart within them.

At this time

At this certain juncture in my life.
This crossroads
This glimpse of an existance
Slide of glass.

I find myself still existing.

It's not surprising. And I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm more or less, realizing the unexpected. I stopped thinking forward about where I was going for some time now. Most people see it as a gift-

To truly live in the present.

Maybe more people should have a hopeless outlook in life and accept the fact that what happens next doesn't matter.

In this case feel, my emotions will stay the same no matter what the future brings.
                                  My Corrupt beliefs will stay unscathed atop a granite wall. 

I was speaking to my friend at party. I found out that it was his grandmother's birthday. I cheerfully told him my grandmother died on this day, that it was uncanny that his grandmother was born this same day. Like it was some sort of weird cycle.

 He responded frankly:
You treat death very funny.
                                   Maybe I show too much of my opinion on it.

I love my dearest.
Her sister passed away, she took her own life.
A lot of her struggles arose from a disease that my love has.
In her mourning she'd break from her tears and manage to speak out:
          How could she do this?
          How can I kill myself now?
          I can't do that to my mother.

When she saw deep into the hole of her life, she'd tell me:

 I hate having you here.
You would've been one less person to let down.
                              
Maybe I'm meant for these relationships. The people and connections. Maybe I'm the only one out there who can handle these situations. Maybe the universe knows what I'm capable of and needs me to right the wrongs of mankind, but after all, we arejust part of the big equation.

Three Jobs, Dependent Girlfriend, 2 days at home in the past 14+ days.

Tonight wasn't the only night.

In fact, I believe most my nights alone were alike this. It's only now that I have something to compare my compulsions to.

She's waiting for me. But I don't want to go. I don't want to stay here. Because my mind will rot as it always has. I love being with her, but I have things here that I need to do.

I guess this place is just somewhere I can decompress and realize that I'm actually alive. That I have things that I used to do with myself.

I look around my room and see the things that preoccupied my time in the past. All of them look as weights to hold over my head.

What makes me feel this way?

The feeling that nothing is worth anything but I have to constantly feed my mind with something, anything to do, just to stop it from thinking.

I'm not depressed as I once was, but something is wrong. The picture doesn't look right.

Back to point:

I don't want to face my responsibilities. I don't want to hold my word. I just want to sit here and let it all pass by. I guess the places where I need to be cut my skin, I'm not happy where my head lies. I'm only happy in the things that are short and temporary.

I need to learn how to connect with people once more.

I'm sorry Dad, I haven't called sis, as I know I should.

Bless

I found myself lying in bed with an insatiable apetite that I knew I could never fulfill.

 Apart of me knew it was worth trying and lately its been the side of the yang to be winning. My life is in somewhat of an upswing. I've alot going for me and I guess i'm happy. I mean I still don't have a front to express myself in. Well I guess it's not a place to displace my emotions, I don't have a person to express myself too. I mean I have Sandra and she's great, but I need something more than just one person in my life. I need a friend who I can truly be open to and have them accept me the way that I am. But there's something in me. Something in me that tells me that I don't want to show who I am. I don't want to be who I am. Because I'm awkardly sensitive. God damned awkwardly sensitive.

Fundamentals

Learning to speak without feeling ashamed.

That is my goal here.

To speak aloud my opinions and not feel overwhelmed over analyzing every detail.

Its difficult to say in the least.

I feel those emotions are almost always brought up when speaking about finding happiness.

I felt shame in the last post I wrote but tried to cover it up.

Im trying to find statements to say now as I think while I write.

I guess there's no harm in thinking aloud.

Expressing your feelings.

Err comes in trying to put the universe into perspective. By defining it with rules and guidelines.

Maybe life is uncontrollable and I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that because people exceed in success far greater than I do. I guess that's because I believe they see the universe as having guidelines and instructionals on what to do when said event happens.

I find I am most graceful when acting on my feet when the event occurs rather than premeditating my interactions.

Hm.

Without a glance back

Who am I now?

Hah, I'm excited to see my previous posts. I've gone a long way since I last came here.

This place, it changed.

It was once a place where I wrote beautifully describing the world around me. That was brought to light by a friend and only now can I truly except it.

But where I left it?

The state of mind I was in was incredibly hard to describe.
It was shaped by eyes I wanted to avoid but couldn't stop wanting.
Even now the idea of this girl still strikes me in a lustful manner, but who she is in my mind isn't the girl that walks the earth.

I grew to learn since leaving this place that I am basic. Surprisingly, somehow, by some miraculous improbable outcome, all I needed to be happy was indeed to find love with a girl.

Happiness comes in experiencing life, not evaluating it.

I live my way of life by not placing things under a microscope. By not meticulously identifying each grain of sand to see a pattern for predicting the future. To deftly flow.

Ah all this text is innate and meaningless. I'm still learning to build emotions that leave me happy not contemplative :P

Me.

Selfish and callous cannot be seen in light
But you know your steps carry filth
That you'll never be satisfied with what you earn
Because if you have it, you know its nothing
More valuable then dirt

I was once was one

I once felt all of me was one. One who was the same person inside and out. Who wouldn't turn a different shade around others. Who was so solid and concrete not even a hurricane could uproot me from my foundation.

Now? I'm scattered like the spread of #8 birdshot. I am aike the aftermath of a broken planet drifting in space. Some of me has gone far out of sight, others stay floating occasionally crashing into one another.

I don't feel n urge to write. I don't feel that motivation that once flowed through me.

My mind is broken but my soul shines through the smoke.

My mind tells me to be afraid. To question existence and believe in the intangible. To know that every step forward is a cut into my skin. My soul pours happiness in my heart at the end of every Acton and risk, but my mind refuses to believe their consistency. It makes its thoughts pile into single file to preoccupy all that is in me to omit these experiences into my memory. "It'll never last" "that was easy because you're just lucky. You did nothing even close to being advantageous to get her to admire you." My soul cries out, "You're amazing and deserve to feel this way. Cherish and float on until your next experience. Live only in my words as they are now and are what is real." "But those moments won't last and you know they'll come to an end, how can you prove they'll come again? You're still the same sack of shit incapable of maintaining happiness."

Ive learned about myself.
I hope to carry this lesson with me.

Heart of the Horsefly.

The

Transition

I'm searching for you.
I forgave my eyes and set them away.
Choosing to walk bare 

I set off staving the walls mindful
Of the thorns in my feet.
The trek will bring pain
And steal the warmth from my skin
While the scars will whisper 

How I've journeyed so far.

Kill me

Bless me father for I have sinned.

I beg you take my life, If you feel Its time.
So I don't have to see tomorrow.
So I don't have to fall.
So I don't have to feel.
Let down my friends.
Let down you.

Forgive me for being weak,
Having gone astray.

Choosing to be who I am

I yelled at mother.

I come down looking for food.

Everything she asks is pointless.

Shell ask a thousand questions and won't hear a single answer I say.

After twenty minutes of being around her, I ask if the cups in the dishwasher are clean. She says are the people in the where heady? She's not looking towards me, not seeing what I'm doing with my hand holding a cup. Carelessly walking around doing everything she can but listen to me. I ask again.

ARE THE CUPS CLEAN.

she becomes aware I'm pissed. And scoffs at me.

She just comes over my shoulder and starts grabbing my food.

She begins tearing at my meat trying to get the something out, I ask

Are you hungry? (calmly)

No.

Is that for tita lan? (calmly)

No yeah I'm just -(laughing)

What are you doing? (Sternly)

I'm going to eat. (Laughing)

I just asked you if you were hungry and you said no. Is she goin- (confused and irritated)

(Sternly) my hands are clean.

What.
I don't fucking care if you want the food, i just was trying to find out why you're touching my food (pissed)

I'm hungry. (Barely paying attention)

I KNOW.

Are you done eating?

No. Do you even know what I'm saying right now?

Your irritable, *leaves the room*

Fucking STOP BEING so FUCKING LAZY learn to FUCKING speak SPEAK English AND ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING.