The bullet's path

I step inside my door. I look around and see things I've seen before.

I find myself sitting the previous molds I've long created in my past.

I take my place and let the blood drain from my body onto the floor.

Ounce by ounce a piece of me drifts away into this place.

My happiness is grown outside the walls and falls apart within them.

At this time

At this certain juncture in my life.
This crossroads
This glimpse of an existance
Slide of glass.

I find myself still existing.

It's not surprising. And I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm more or less, realizing the unexpected. I stopped thinking forward about where I was going for some time now. Most people see it as a gift-

To truly live in the present.

Maybe more people should have a hopeless outlook in life and accept the fact that what happens next doesn't matter.

In this case feel, my emotions will stay the same no matter what the future brings.
                                  My Corrupt beliefs will stay unscathed atop a granite wall. 

I was speaking to my friend at party. I found out that it was his grandmother's birthday. I cheerfully told him my grandmother died on this day, that it was uncanny that his grandmother was born this same day. Like it was some sort of weird cycle.

 He responded frankly:
You treat death very funny.
                                   Maybe I show too much of my opinion on it.

I love my dearest.
Her sister passed away, she took her own life.
A lot of her struggles arose from a disease that my love has.
In her mourning she'd break from her tears and manage to speak out:
          How could she do this?
          How can I kill myself now?
          I can't do that to my mother.

When she saw deep into the hole of her life, she'd tell me:

 I hate having you here.
You would've been one less person to let down.
                              
Maybe I'm meant for these relationships. The people and connections. Maybe I'm the only one out there who can handle these situations. Maybe the universe knows what I'm capable of and needs me to right the wrongs of mankind, but after all, we arejust part of the big equation.

Three Jobs, Dependent Girlfriend, 2 days at home in the past 14+ days.

Tonight wasn't the only night.

In fact, I believe most my nights alone were alike this. It's only now that I have something to compare my compulsions to.

She's waiting for me. But I don't want to go. I don't want to stay here. Because my mind will rot as it always has. I love being with her, but I have things here that I need to do.

I guess this place is just somewhere I can decompress and realize that I'm actually alive. That I have things that I used to do with myself.

I look around my room and see the things that preoccupied my time in the past. All of them look as weights to hold over my head.

What makes me feel this way?

The feeling that nothing is worth anything but I have to constantly feed my mind with something, anything to do, just to stop it from thinking.

I'm not depressed as I once was, but something is wrong. The picture doesn't look right.

Back to point:

I don't want to face my responsibilities. I don't want to hold my word. I just want to sit here and let it all pass by. I guess the places where I need to be cut my skin, I'm not happy where my head lies. I'm only happy in the things that are short and temporary.

I need to learn how to connect with people once more.

I'm sorry Dad, I haven't called sis, as I know I should.

Bless

I found myself lying in bed with an insatiable apetite that I knew I could never fulfill.

 Apart of me knew it was worth trying and lately its been the side of the yang to be winning. My life is in somewhat of an upswing. I've alot going for me and I guess i'm happy. I mean I still don't have a front to express myself in. Well I guess it's not a place to displace my emotions, I don't have a person to express myself too. I mean I have Sandra and she's great, but I need something more than just one person in my life. I need a friend who I can truly be open to and have them accept me the way that I am. But there's something in me. Something in me that tells me that I don't want to show who I am. I don't want to be who I am. Because I'm awkardly sensitive. God damned awkwardly sensitive.

Fundamentals

Learning to speak without feeling ashamed.

That is my goal here.

To speak aloud my opinions and not feel overwhelmed over analyzing every detail.

Its difficult to say in the least.

I feel those emotions are almost always brought up when speaking about finding happiness.

I felt shame in the last post I wrote but tried to cover it up.

Im trying to find statements to say now as I think while I write.

I guess there's no harm in thinking aloud.

Expressing your feelings.

Err comes in trying to put the universe into perspective. By defining it with rules and guidelines.

Maybe life is uncontrollable and I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that because people exceed in success far greater than I do. I guess that's because I believe they see the universe as having guidelines and instructionals on what to do when said event happens.

I find I am most graceful when acting on my feet when the event occurs rather than premeditating my interactions.

Hm.

Without a glance back

Who am I now?

Hah, I'm excited to see my previous posts. I've gone a long way since I last came here.

This place, it changed.

It was once a place where I wrote beautifully describing the world around me. That was brought to light by a friend and only now can I truly except it.

But where I left it?

The state of mind I was in was incredibly hard to describe.
It was shaped by eyes I wanted to avoid but couldn't stop wanting.
Even now the idea of this girl still strikes me in a lustful manner, but who she is in my mind isn't the girl that walks the earth.

I grew to learn since leaving this place that I am basic. Surprisingly, somehow, by some miraculous improbable outcome, all I needed to be happy was indeed to find love with a girl.

Happiness comes in experiencing life, not evaluating it.

I live my way of life by not placing things under a microscope. By not meticulously identifying each grain of sand to see a pattern for predicting the future. To deftly flow.

Ah all this text is innate and meaningless. I'm still learning to build emotions that leave me happy not contemplative :P