Guessing days ago

I can easily sat that I think about you every day. But I guess that's apparent to you. I wonder if you say things with a different emotion behind them. Spare me for I don't have the luck or fortune to see you speak the words yourself. You believe I'll always be there for you and I'm beyond happy knowing that I can be that security for you.

I wonder if you'll ever break down your walls and quell your fears of us. I wonder if your still afraid I'll hurt you. I wonder why we won't just become something. You said once it isn't love because we don't know each other for real. I assumed that to be true and it is rational. I guess its just only now I believe that its more then adoration because of this centeredness I put you in for my life. I guess you don't want that.

You're right to find happiness in yourself before something like us. I could easily make that complicated. In spite of that, I still believe I can help you find that independent happiness. And that a future with me isn't going to be a challenge or hindrance. I feel the way I come off is unfortunately strong, that it makes my intentions seem selfish. But in all honesty I just want to be by your side. To help you in every endeavor that you partake.

Fffffffffffffuck

Seeking you.
Something.

I spent the night out in Philly. I was with four of my friends and 3 friends of one friend. I was silent. I didn't care to speak. There was nothing that I could think of to care enough to speak about. Over the course of the night people began to ask me if I was okay. I hate that. I felt okay, I just didn't care for anything. I didn't care for any of the conversations we were having and I'm far done asking about people. Learning things about them. I feel that I may associate people with awkwardness and being uncomfortable. For better or worse that's how I've become. I have a large sense of apathy but I'm okay with that. It kind of sucks that I'm not entertaining for others but I'm far better then I've been in a while. I need to take chances with people to find the gratification of interacting once again.

Perserverance through time and know I cry.

A promise
Made in the late hours of the evening.
With a heart that shows not a sight of fleeting.
Sound and solid as concrete
A deep emotion was founded within
Where I'd never let go
Because with all that is in me
I couldn't do without~
So dry my eyes
And I'll tell you,
I won't let you go tonight.
Not tonight.
Not tomorrow.
Not ever.

I dont ever

Want to think of life without you.

1989

Oh shit.
I forgot.
It's my birthday.

My love, My passion, My energy.

Doesn't really fucking exist!

Yeah well it does to an extent. An extent to which I do not know.

My mind is scattered.

Nothing quite makes sense!

Alright, alright, alright.

Let's get fucking laser here Protagonist.
You got it.

   In the first few days of not taking my medication I felt amazing. I really did. Maybe it was just the high of a changing level of dopamine in my brain. But after a night or two of drinking, things changed. It was odd. I got all that anxiety back. All that emotion that I had pent up. That feeling of pressure within my head. That feeling of intense self-consciousness where I am different than everyone in the room. I constantly found myself drowning in "what ifs" and "if onlys." Thoughts that got me no where and couldn't even scratch the surface of that sweet bliss of solace. It's almost as if I need an off switch for my mind.

(tangenital: I've thought of theories where natural human happiness only exists in fluctuating levels of dopamine and serotonin.)

   I've begun forcing myself to meditate. It's hard. I only do it for maybe a minute's time. But I can't hold my eyes closed. I'm afraid someone will see me. See me and think, what the hell is that guy doing?

  I fear I'm far too molded by others.

  People say that you can't worry about what other people think. That no one else matters but you. It's true. It really is true that no one else matters but yourself. And that worrying about what other people think isn't very good for your mental health. But, how many people would you say you know, that would walk around with a dildo on their face? Walk around in a gimp suit? Be called names and be pointed at? Regardless of our beliefs on what we should or shouldn't worry about, we will always be concerned of people's opinions. I believe once we have a true great sense of purpose we may find ourselves not concerned about others. But this all depends on our emotions and what we have in our lives.

  It's almost as if our mental state is characterized by a scale of our emotional health. To be at the top of the scale, you've gotten a new job, someone appreciates you, you love your work, you love the people around you. At this point you can take ridicule and blame. You will feel that these two things are just superficial. Hardly leaving a mark on your pride and soul. Nothing to be concerned about with your strong hard foundation.

  That last paragraph really sticks with me, I feel I can learn more about myself If I think deeper into what I said. To be continued. Work in 6.

Earnestly bored?

I'm confused.

I can feel

When my meds wear off.
It feels good.
I don't feel worry.
I don't feel like I fucked something up.
I can almost be happy.