Dig

Wanting something new.

I couldn't stand being around anyone today. Everything felt like fire in between my fingers. I cringed when I woke up to a fridge of things I found bland. There were some eggs in cartons. eggs in a jug. eggs in a box. eggs in a bag, and eggs wrapped up tight. I thought of how I was hungry, but couldn't find anything but eggs to eat.

 Pain pressed in my mind and stomach thinking of how I'd lose weight.

I saw my phone had messages from people who adored me, but feared the thought of responding to them. My manager asking if i was coming in from the night before. My friend asking if we were to drink tomorrow. I can easily say I hate interacting with people when they expect things of me.

I had to wake up early and get my cousin's car cleaned, it had mold in the backseat. I lacked sleep and drove half an hour west on a highway. The morning was beautiful. I could see why the elderly loved it so.

I came back home to sleep late into the afternoon finally messaging my friend after 16 hours had passed since he messaged me. He said he thought I was dead. If I read that now, I'd think I already am.

I had to go to a meeting for my drug recovery program. A constant reminder of how the system is ever so fucked up. I sit, looking at all the faces of kind people. Kind as they may be, I didn't want to hear a fucking sentence about their life. Of course that's what we were there for.

I feel bad for the people in my group, I do. But with my experience thus far... The more I hear about how shitty people's lives are, the less I care.

Sure let's stay around for a fucking extra 15 minutes after an hour and a half. And then we'll talk about things I don't have and can't have because pot is such a menacing and devastating drug. Sure! Yes! Let's do this!

I'm becoming so disassociated with life.

I day dreamed on the way home from the meeting of a life where i'd just buy a motorcycle and drive off. Anywhere. Get a small job and leave all my friends and family. Live by myself in solitude. Thinking now of how hard life would be on my own makes me want to take my own life.

things i'm grateful for:
a bed.
a computer.
games that sometimes make me happy.
a phone.
a nice car.
a friend who is a mechanic.
warmth when i sleep.

You're far too cold for me to feel fulfilled.