post sensation

tear the muscle which holds you.

this is what i'm feeling right now.

Eh

I'm coming quite disgusted of how I'm becoming. I'm not sure what it is.. And quite honestly.. I'm feeling ashamed of how I am. Everything I see that reminds me of you, it fills me with something inexplicable. It makes me embarassed. It makes me think I'm some type of person that shouldn't be accepted by society. But it doesn't stop me. I feel obsessed. I feel affine. I'm not sure if I truly know you. Or if you'll ever let me. I can't help but be overwhelmed by you. I'm getting to that point where it's just sickening to hear me speak of you. I can't let go. I don't think I ever will. Despite all, I still can't help.. but..

Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
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Tuesday
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Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
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Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday
Tuesday.

I yearn for you.

Beating

My heart is still pulsing
But I doubt it's there.

I tell you I'm still here
But I know you don't care.

You don't want to advance
So we'll stay far from stagnant.

A breath from romance
Is a death of fear.

I know I'm sorry.

Because there's a painful tickle I feel in my chest.

It leaves me nothing but hollow.

Days of A Year Not Counted

I still think of her, as I drive on by.
And I still imagine, what the city would be
 like, if she held onto my arm.
Despite her curses, her 
plans, her 
destruction, I still find the true and 
good light. I'll always leave, a
place in my heart. For the 
gold to settle, among which 
I cannot part.

She wont speak to 
me, so I'll be a ghost
Where she cannot see 
me, But feel I'm there.
She'll write her poems 
And I'll read her beauty.
She'll show her face,
and I'll watch her smile.
May I forever watch
and pray,
she better,
fucking,
take
care.

Take Care of Yourself.

You fucking better.

I can't find the appropriate song for this feeling. I know it's out there. But i can't find it. It's not the end of the world, but it's probably for the best. I hope that she'll take care of herself. I worry about her too much. I wonder if this depression.. or whatever it is, will ruin my life like this forever?

Jaded huh?

Yeah.

You use that word way too much, like it defines you to the T.

Questions.

Questions are what drive Life, not the answers.

What would my life be like if I were rich?

What would my life be like if I had Tuesday?

What would our place look like?

What if my family loved her so much, they wanted us to be married?

What if I had the greatest Sex in my life?

What if I were a great musician?

What if I were a great writer?

What if I were out biking right now?

What if i didn't disappoint my love so much...

I don't mean to scare

I spent the day High as hell.

I went out with my cousin and her boyfriend. we smoked an L and a couple hits from a bong. I was good for about an hour.. than started getting tired. I got home, ate a bunch, laid down, ate some chocolate. My back pain acted up severely. I couldn't move I couldn't breathe. I started taking my pain pills. I took a percocet, a muscle relaxer, and some ibuprofen. an hour later of writhing in pain i ran to the bathroom. both hands in the tub i ran the water. I threw up. I puked up all the food i had. I drank water from the faucet of the bath tub until I didn't taste puke. I brushed my teeth, I woke up in bed. My mom was there. God damnit she's the best mother In the world I swear. She asked if I was okay and I told her I was just hungry. I told her my back pain was acting up. She went out to the food store and bought 5 bags of food just for me. She cooked ribs, broccoli, and mashed potatoes and brought them all up to me in my bed. She rubbed some chinese medicine all over my back to relax my pain. I ate. I passed out. I just woke up now.. it's 5:36 AM.

I just have thoughts of throwing up in the tub. I thought, is this rock bottom? Am I a druggie? Popping pills, smoking weed, drinking alcohol, not remembering the day, not knowing what time it is? Only one thing is certain.

I'm sorry I'm not there for you.

6 Days of the Week

A day has left my time.
It's okay, I didn't deserve that day anyway.

Let's ask some deep and Thrilling questions. Okay?

Okay.

Q: Do you feel sad that she left?
A: No.

Q:Why do you not feel sad that she left?
A: I couldn't tell you.

Q:Did she make you happy?
A: Yes.

Q: Are you sad right now?
A: Yes.

Q: What will you do now?
A: Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.Write. Write. Write. Write.Write.Write. Write.Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.Write.Write. Write. Write.Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.

Q: Did you love her?
A: Yes.

Q: What is love?
A: A feeling you get, a deep attraction for someone.

Q: Could you love more then one person?
A: I don't think so.

Q: Do you love more then one person?
A: I'm not sure if I love anymore.

Q: Are you confused now?
A: Yes.
AA: You should be.

Coincidence:
Pandora just played: "Ain't No Sunshine. By Bill withers" But I guess that's okay, because I never had sunshine to begin with.

Take Care Love. I'll Never Forget You.

This calms me.

A Beautiful Picture

I realized today, sitting in my shower as the hot water turned to cold, that I haven't been keeping up with accurate events in my life on this blog. I'll just go back to look at it one day and be like, "What the fuck was going on then? There's just all this random non-sense." So. I think I should tell the events from last night to as far back as I can remember.

Last night I went out to a party. It pissed off Jobro and his gf and andromeda. Jobro is such a fucking pussy sometimes. I can't believe it. Not so much a literal pussy but a little bitch. I told him I wanted to go out to the party, and of course he refused. We had made half-assed plans 10 minutes before getting invited by Kryptonite's party. I texted him asking if he wanted to do something. He made his gf call me up, and she said "Jobro wants to know what's going on." Confused, I asked if they wanted to hang out, play pool or go bowl or something. Jobro's gf says "Were not sure yet, we'll give you a call when we get back home." So I'm still confused if they wanted to hang out or not. I get the text from Kryptonite, I invite them, and they easily deny coming. Jobro can't get over social awkwardness. He doesn't know how to get along with people because he doesn't even try to meet new people. He doesn't like to travel, he doesn't like to go out and drink, and he doesn't like to smoke. He's afraid of everything but blames his gf and his family and his situation instead of taking responsibility for himself. Gah. I wish he would just man up and leave his little box.

Anyway.

The Party:
I smoked up a bit before coming to the party, as I had no clue what to do prior to going out. I thought it would be fun and it was. I had gotten half assed instructions from Kryptonite to her place and had to park 3 or 4 blocks away from her house in 16 degree weather. God it was f'n horrible to walk. There was ice at the gutters of the streets. I found her wearing cheetah pajamas and an oversized leather coat at the corner of the street. The jacket she was wearing was her new boyfriend Bigshow's. Bigshow and her had been living together for sometime now. It's funny though, because Kryptonite isn't as loyal as he thinks she is. It's a little upsetting to see, but my point of view right now has lost it's sincerity. Bigshow is a really nice guy though I'd have to say. He works in New York as a high-rise construction worker. They look like a good couple, Kryptonite is such a house wife it's hilarious and Bigshow is around 30 so he fits in well to her personality. They offer me a drink at the party, with only one other friend there Nostrovia-- A russian girl Kryptonite had picked up at a bar after getting into a fight with some girl.

I hope to finish this story.

Continuing:
Nostrovia was into me from the start. It was kind of weird because she was 33. She took off my jacket for me and grabbed my keys along my pants asking in awe if I drove an Acura. I immediately thought of my father, and his stereotypes. "A scandanavian man would always take off his watch, his keys, and his wallet,  and place it on the table to show his status." Kryptonite gave me a tour of the place, she was ecstatic to show it to new guests. Ill never understand the enthusiasm she has to be such a housewife.

It wasn't a big house. When you opened the front door it immediately went to stairs. Once ontop of the stairs you could turn left, to a hall way ending  with two doors opposite one another. Each a bedroom. To the right, was the living room and the kitchen. The kitchen was at the back of the house with the dinning room connected to the living room. It was a small apartment but i'd still kill for even a little slice of independence.

I began drinking with vodka and some cocktail mix, it looked about two shots deep. Kryptonite, Nostrovia, and I just talked for a while listening to some interesting pieces of music. From hard rap to old school led zepplin. I started to get buzzed. I needed another drink. Rum and coke. The football glass I was drinking out of started to never leave the lips of mouth. Things started getting blurry. A couple more friends showed up. They were from arizona. One of Kryptonite's friends from the area came by too. Everything became blurry. It was fun. After a few hours of mingling, a couple games of jenga, Kryptonite said she wanted to smoke. I went out with her to smoke. I didn't have any cigarettes because I left my pack in the car so i bummed a few off of her. "Kum chari ma" She said to me. "What?" I responded with. It's pun jabi she told me. "For what?" I asked. "It means I love you." said she. I looked at her with a cocked eye. "Shut the fuck up Kryptonite." I replied. She spoke spitefully, "Kum chari ma." "You're fucked up." I said after seeing the uneasy gait and slowed movements. She finished her cigarette and went inside. I sat there on the stoop letting the heat leave me. The cigarette was the only thing that gave me pleasure for those next few moments. I took deep hard drags. Hoping to end my pain. Pain of living. After smoking to the filter I went back inside. I don't remember much after this point, but I heard i passed out on the chair, then moved onto the couch.

I woke up to moaning and wet sounds of sex.

I woke up in the middle of the night hearing people fucking. A spike went through my heart, because I realized I was a failure not having sex within the last year and a half. I don't know why I care about it so much. It was Kryptonites friend and her boyfriend's friend. They were fucking on the couch next to me. They were wasted. I was hung over. The sounds were echoing in my head. They just felt like a teacher repeatedly scolding a student, "Failure, Failure, Failure." As soon as he was finished, he got up, buckled his pants, and left. Like a thief in the night. Kryptonite's friend went to smoke a cigarette. I went to the bathroom and stepped outside to grab one from her. "Can i get a cig?" I spoke with a grogy voice. "Sure." said as nonchalantly as possible. "You guys were loud as fuck." She broke out into laughter. I drug my cigarette deep and hard because I realized I was still alive. I woke up a few hours later then drove her home after grabbing some breakfast. She was funny to be around but I have to mention i'm definitely not attracted to her whatsoever. She was not too familiar with the word beautiful. She felt some regret for having sex with the guy and expressed some concern of how he left so abruptly. I found her to be interesting because I was not afraid of her and she didn't cause me anxiety. I stared at her like a boy would an ant hill. Studying. Reading. We joked and laughed a lot that morning.

I felt like shit before getting breakfast with her, then after talking and hanging out, I felt a lot better. Emotionally speaking. Maybe i'm isolated. I feel like it right now actually.

Chilling

My arms are tired.

As they drag across the keys.

As my face hangs low.

I'm fine ladies and gentlemen.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm just in dire need

Of a certain day of the week.

But that day, seems farther and farther.