No edits.
I still don't have that many friends, or at least it feels like it. Seeing people on facebook stings like a mother fucker. I'm completely embarrassed to use it.
Goddamn I think way too fucking much. You know how everyone has that feeling that someone is watching them? That's my every waking moment except with exponential value. Being ostracized for no known fucking reason sure has it's benefits doesn't it? My whole life i feel like I've been out of the loop. Like a moon floating onward towards empty space just waiting to meet the surface of some nameless planet and become obliterated into indistinguishable pieces.
I have yet to mention Africa, a girl who I have no idea what our relationship is, I met her only a few days after I put Kryptonite in my lead box. This was supposed to be for next post so I'll only mention what little I can. She has an ex-boyfriend who was a heroin addict. The whole reason they split up was because of his addiction. (Whats with me liking girls with a troubled past? I can't help but find myself with them. ) The way they originally got together was because this punk guy was cheating on his girlfriend. Yeah Africa was a home-wrecker. Not really considering she was like what.. 16? and he 17? Anyways they were having this affair for about 1-2 years. Which is absolutely freaking crazy.
Two years of lying to some innocent girl? They should both be held accountable for such a fucking disgraceful act. The only leniency i give her is because i felt like i was so close to cheating on my ex. But hey i didn't i fucking break the oath and finite unmentioned laws of relationships. I broke up and constantly face the risk of being devastating lonely and regretting my decision. Every day i wake up and look next to me to find nothing but cold empty space where a pure everlasting happiness once was. I should take her actions into account when i look at her again tonight.
Were going out somewhere i don't know where. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I asked her to tell me if she was going to do anything later tonight because i really want to spend time with her. She lives aboutt 40 minutes away so finding something to do could be a litttttle bit difficult because I've never hung out with a girl with for these reasons before... Well looks like tonight will a night well worth learning.
So how do i feel about Africa? I don't fucking know. She's attractive of course. But, I'm unsure of why i like her so much. Fate knows that i hate being lonely. It knows that I've never been comfortable by myself in a long time. When i was, i had friends that would have fought by my side any day i needed them.
I speak to Africa for hours at a time on the phone. I just got off the phone with her. and it's official were nothing. The hookup was just a ricochet of a bullet hitting the blade of a sword. Sure i know the way she looks at me. I know how she makes me feel and i love making her feel appreciated and making her life awesome. She didn't say it directly, but she said i was different in than a friend. I told her:
"What makes a friend different from a person you love is when a friend goes away you know you'll be ok. but when the person you love is gone, you know you won't be."
She said it'd be really difficult without me.
To contradict all this she said she wouldn't be with me if she were single. Because of two things. I shouldn't put numbers on it but it's the truth.. two things.
One: i told her she was a lot like my ex-girlfriend. and knowing that she had to make sure that i wasn't going to be with her because of that.
Two: I just came out of a four year relationship and thinks that i need time by myself.
So i took it as it was. i told her i felt like shit without her and that i don't know if i can be happy by myself.
She told me that she just technically got back with her ex-boyfriend but he hasn't changed at all from when they weren't together. he's never there for her and she fails to see it all but since I've talked to her about how he is, she's realizing that she shouldn't be putting up with him.
Just makes me want to jump right down to the bottom all over again like that fucking anchor.
So whats the plan McGuyver?
Kill two birds with one stone. First, do what i know needs to happen. Be happy by myself. wait it out. See what happens with Africa's situation and be who i am.
Become Self-serving. self-sufficient. independent. Do what i love because i love it.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
2 Rolling Rocks, 1 Tequila; The First Regret
Never trust a girl named Kryptonite.
Nursing school can be a hard time. (Yes, I'm going to be a male nurse.) The amount of studying we hear is rumored to be more then any other program at our college. A friend once told me she had friends in residency and they don't study nearly as much as we do. 5 chapters a week, anomalous voice recordings, human anatomy videos, 3x80 page power points, 20 page word documents, several procedures, and a minimum of 50 NCLEX questions a day.
So how do we do it? Well fuck if I know, at the moment I'm barely making the cut. So my absolutely unhelpful and contradicting answer: Alcohol.
For the past few weeks I found it to be the best of ailments. Just recently breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, coping with falling for random girls like a fucking idiot, and telling a girl that I was hopelessly in love with her. Cutting the edge off should at least spare me some stress.
I throw the word love like it's nothing. But right now, to me, it sure as hell is.
Prelude:
Let me work my way back from the bar.
The night after I confessed my love to this girl, I told the whole story to my buddy Endgame. It was pretty embarrassing to talk about but after a beer I instantly loosened up like a poorly tied bungee cord.
I thought of her long black hair. Her crystal clear blue eyes. Her every move had felt like earthquakes and landslides when she was close. My senses were intense, I could literally count the inches away she was when we walked next to one another. I could smell her smile, see her thoughts, and feel her laughter. God that smile, that sharp giggle that burst with personality. She was short only because the rest of her energy growing taller was spent up partying and getting drunk. She was the embodiment of seduction in a purely toxic and malicious form. She had Motley Crue syndrome. Looks that kill.
Kryptonite and I share nothing in common. Kr grew up in what sounds like an area constantly struggling with drugs, crime, and poverty. How diamonds are formed in the harshest environments, I've no idea. I grew up in an area of mundane sub-urban town homes. I'm a stone among mountains. Kr was a party girl at heart, her father a recovering-drug addict had raised her young. Growing up she did just what her heart tells you, run rampant and live a life of undirected self-pleasure. She calmed down apparently for college. The only reason were in the same classes is because her father begged her to become a nurse.
Enough history.
I told myself in my head: If I ever spoke to her I'd tell her: in all my life I would never dream of a girl so beautiful. Remind you, the treasures of the world go to the wealthy. I began speaking to her the beginning of this semester. We studied together for two weeks almost everyday. She was ridiculously flirtatious. Like "fuck don't you know any better?" ridiculous. She asked me to come with her to trips in the nursing club, go out for food, share desserts, a whole scheme of events that would make you think that we we'd dated for weeks.
I was addicted. I broke down when I wasn't around her like most of us do. I felt like I was missing an extra sense. Every day I woke up without feeling wet when I jumped in the shower. The coffee I drank had more then enough sugar to solidify the liquid it was in. On the way to work, I'd swear the windshield was spray painted black and opaque. Love is so widely felt but feels so unique to us all.
So why was I so deadly attracted to this girl? I hadn't a single clue. She was horrible for me and I knew it. I'm usually not a man where looks would take me so far as to bring me down to my knees. In retrospect, I know one thing. I sure as hell need to get the fuck out of my house and start living life already.
The Regret
I could almost remember every moment we spent with one another.
And this moment, I know I'll remember for a long time to come.
Friday, we were studying in the library for about the 4th time that week. We talked about the usual things and she told me that she knew I was the only one who could make her laugh so much. She left for class sometime during the day and I jammed my face in a book for a couple hours trying to pick up what little information I could for the upcoming test. I could only read 4 words in a row before straying off random tangents of thought. I pre-meditated hundreds of conversations. I tried to think of the best way to say things and come off smooth and attractive as possible. At times I tried to be reasonable. I attempted to rationale my feelings with logic but always drew back to thinking of how to advance our relationship. Eventually after the hundredth conversation I ran through my head, I decided to head home.
I packed up, threw on my backpack, and headed for the door. I was still feeling the high of her running through me. She circulated in my system more so than blood. I just needed more of her. In a desperate act of absolute creeper status, I took a ridiculous detour to the exit. I wanted to walk by the study room we were in earlier that day. I was hoping she'd be there and we could just spend one more moment together before I headed home. Jokingly in my head as I came near, "I thought I'm such a fucking creep. What am I doing? Even if she was here, what would I do if she actually was.. " And there she was.
The grass I grazed on earlier came up when I found my self standing in the road. I stumbled on every word. Every sentence that came out had no point and needed a anthropological historian to decipher the strange grammar and perplexed language I spoke.
I managed at least to make sense of the first sentence.
"Hey, you're still here?"
"Yeah, I just got out of class a little while ago, and Endgame left like 10 minutes ago. Wait, what are you doing here?"
I made a note to throw myself down the stairs as soon as I left after this awkward conjuncture.
"I uh, just got done studying.. was heading home and uh.. thought I was wonder if you'd left and stayed home or went to the uh, yeah. Was just on my way home."
I thought of the location in the study room in the library. It couldn't have been more packed and hidden away from every path in the library that was disclosed so no one would walk by.
From the boosting confidence of how I was speaking, I acted accordingly: Awkwardly wiggling my way in the room like a duck with malformed leg.
"God I'm so tired. I can't take studying anymore." (Trying to play off my recently acquired tongue in dumb-ass.)
"Do you always stay here this late just to study?"
She was interrupted by a phone call. It was a male voice and had a deep tone. At this point of feeling the way I did, I would say that any male talking to her had a condescending tone. They argued for a little mentioning something about getting a ride home.
"What was that about?"
"It was my ex-boyfriend. I don't understand him. I drive him to school and stuff and I drive him home most the time. But he never answers his phone when I call him and never bothers to tell me that he doesn't need a ride. Usually i just sit here and wait for him."
"He sounds like an asshole."
"You have no idea."
After a small rant about how much she hated him, she mentioned how much she loved him and cared about him. Hearing her talk about her ex and how faithful she was made me want to talk about my girlfriend. I guess the guilt kicked in for that split of a second. I tell her that i planned on breaking up after 4 years. She instantaneously spoke against it. Without reason she told me not to.. I started to learn she did things without reason or consequence. I told her the spiel I've mentioned already on the blog. After a while we heard over the loudspeaker the library was closing. It was 10:00pm.
We headed out to the parking lot together and she asked me:
"Do you smoke?"
"No, but hell yeah I'd like to."
Place of Regret: A reclined seat of a black coupe.
She joked about me going to some gas station or deli giving the clerk a special eye with a shifty voice asking for a "Lucy." No idea what it was at the time, but apparently it's when you buy a single cigarette. She didn't put much emphasis or anything in trying to go out and get one. I had asked her twice if she still wanted to get one.
"So you want to get one or what?"
"Yeah sure let's do it!"
Off we went. We went to the closest gas station and I bought my first pack of cigarettes. She made fun of the way I asked the guy as we were pulling out.
"Oh wait fuck, do you have any matches?" She said intermittently laughing.
I immediately made a ticket deserving u-turn in the 4 lane road back to the gas station. I pulled up with a big smile on my face and this gorgeous girl telling the guy it's my first time.
We picked up the lighter and began to smoke. Knowing I was new, she instinctively lit it for me. The world slowed down just for her. She pursed her lips and grasped a single cigarette from the pack. Her every move was so relaxed and had such significant purpose. The lighter struck as she slowly released the tension with one of her petite thumbs, fingers grasping around it's body. She tamed the fire with grace. Fully engaged I watched her slowly inhale. Condensing her chest, I imagined the air becoming packed tightly into the body of the cigarette easily traveling into her lungs. The job done, She lightly released the cigarette with her left hand pulling it just a few inches away from her lips. She held it just, there, staring into space, embracing it's intoxicating and cancerous effects. The smoke escaped her as she gazed her eyes onto mine and lightly handed me the cigarette. In a subtle and absolutely seducing voice, "Here." I realized I was driving 10 over and ran a yellow. Goddamn she had a way of capturing me.
We drove heading west. I wish I could have driven with her forever; the road never ending as I desperately wanted the moment to be. The cigarettes had cut off more than enough oxygen and felt like it disabled part of my brain. Good. I wanted it to be so. We spoke:
"I want to tell you something."
"What?"
"Ah, never mind I didn't say anything"
"No, what were you going to say? I want to know"
"Well.. it's rather embarrassing, you sure you want to hear it?"
"Yeah."
"I think it's got potential to make things really awkward. Hah." I took a huge drag out of my cigarette.
"Well when you laugh it doesn't make it awkward, like did you know every time there's an awkward moment a gay baby is born?"
We laughed.
"Well, I'm desperately attracted to you."
"Not once have I ever met or seen a girl so attractive in my entire life."
"What really?"
"The most beautiful girl I've ever seen, probably the most in the entire world as far as I'm concerned."
She smiled looking out the windshield.
"Hell yeah. Honestly. What you don't realize it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You could walk into a room full of guys and simply pick out anyone and they'd do anything you'd tell them on command within that second."
"Haha, wow really? I mean I know I'm not ugly, but.."
She didn't leave a moment of awkwardness. She was the most accepting and open girl I've ever met. I began to light up my 4th cigarette. We still talked and everything felt absolutely amazing. She was the same laughing and enjoying the moment.
At some point we pulled into an A&P. She previously asked me to teach her to drive manual and I promised I'd teach her. Absolutely careless about the world, I taught her. She was a natural, shifting on time, not once grinding gears, only problem was she gunned every inch of that parking lot.
We parked. With the windows slightly rolled down we reclined our seats.The girl who was so beautiful she couldn't have been made up in my own dreams; laid on her side facing right at me. I had lost time and space. I admired the curve of her body as she conformed elegantly to the seat. She was spread out like a 2 page magazine. Resting the weight of her head on her elbow and her one leg just barely crossing over her other. Her hair draped lightly over her hand down to her shoulder. We looked directly at each other, each of us in this in the moment. She spoke to me but I begun to phase in and out of the ability to listen. I fell into her eyes and lost myself. The windows started to fog and she threw her head back looking to the rear window slightly arching her back.
Fuck I wish there were a better ending to this.
She saw a hand print breaking the fog of the window.
"You totally had sex in your backseat!"
I sheepishly denied it. I really had no clue where it came from, but I took it as a compliment. Seeing as to how I never really had that much sex in the first place.
"Uh-huh, yeah right." She didn't believe a word, but kept smiling like she had something on her mind.
So what happened next? A fucking phone call. My phone glowed a picture of my mom. I quickly ignored it and tried to continue talking.
Several times it lit up and I ignored it. Kr grew curious to why she was calling so much. I told Kr that it was okay and that she did it all the time when I was out. She seemed like she felt sorry for her, making her worry about me being out so late.
She asked, "Whats the matter you can't stay out?" I told her I could, but I don't think she believed me. She then asked "Think i can make it out of here?" I sensed that she might have wanted to head back. I felt regret. I didn't show it. "Sure you can." I spoke mindlessly.
She started driving our way back. We talked about fate and I begun my move.
I asked her, "you know how you say if this happens, than something ridiculous happens?"
"yeah, like if that seagull lands on this post I'll be a millionaire"
"Well did you ever think that like it's true a little bit? like in a sense? Like the probability that if this happens then this will happen."
She said "yeah.." in a voice that indicated thinking but with a little misunderstanding.
"Well here, like my garage for example. It only opens 10% of the time I punch the code in. 90% of the time no matter what it'll never open. So I ask it questions and depending if it's yes or no, it'll open if it's and it won't if its no. It's been pretty right in predicting the future." I laughed. "So what makes it open even though 9 times outta 10 it won't? If i ask it questions and its right, then it works against the probability according to fate. So yeah, i ask my garage questions and it predicts the future."
"What?" She laughed. "That's ridiculous, but yeah I see what you mean."
"So i asked it something, but i don't want to tell you because i think it'll make it awkward, got anything to make us laugh to make it not again?"
She didn't answer. she waited a moment and just said
"Just tell me."
"I said well I asked it if you liked me."
She smiled than waited a moment and her voice changed. It turned soft.
"Well did it open or what?"
"I said wait. Lemme think how to put this."
"Wait what well if you say that than it's pretty much..-" I cut her off
"I know, I know. Wait let me think and explain how it happened."
"So everyday I came to my garage I never had the guts to ask it this question. I would always be afraid and just put off for day after and the next day and the next. I just couldn't do it. But one day. I said fuck it. Garage, you and me right now." I paused.
"Does Kr like me?"
"And it opened."
She laughed and she changed the subjected talking about something else. I don't remember what, probably because i didn't care to listen cause i just threw it out that i wanted to be with her.
"Wait wait before you say anything else. Was it right?"
"Was my garage right or what?" I smiled while speaking. I'm not sure if it was authentic or a veil.
Laughing, she was smiling and bared down her head in thought while speaking.
"Well.." the smile grew on her face.
"I don't even know you..! you know?"
"And..-"
I begun to say
"Well let's just-"
As she spoke simultaneously.
"Well let's just leave it at that."
"It's okay that if you don't like me back it's like whatever. I don't care."
"We can still be friends and like study buddy's and everything right? This won't change anything?"
I responded "Yeah. Course."
I didn't know what to think about it at the time. But I begun realizing that it was her first time driving manual and it was the worst of conditions; raining and with a foggy windshield and i started to feel a slight bit hesitant. She told me i was fucking crazy. (referring to me letting her drive.) I told her she was fucking beautiful. We got back, and hung out in my car for one last cigarette. I wanted to extend the moment as long as I could being with her. I don't see why rereading what just happened.
As we lit up our last cigarette, my girlfriend called.
I muttered a curse and my voice changed into a serious tone.
"Hello?"
"Hey where are you?"
She started to gather the cigarettes and reached over me to get the lighter on the inner side of the door.
"I'm on my way, I was just studying with some friends."
She grabbed her wallet and opened the door.
"Are you coming home?"
The cold humid air poured into the car replacing the smoke and taking the moment with it.
"Yeah I'm leaving right now I'm just leaving the parking lot."
"Okay."
"I'll see you."
As I hung up she looked at me.
I spoke first.
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure if I'm studying but yeah."
"Ill see ya later."
"See ya." That smile never left her face. Not once.
She left first. I stood there in the parking lot. I took everything in and headed home and it was 3:00am.
She txted me on the way home.
"Dont do anything based on me I'll be dealing with ex shit fnr a while cuz i love him."
"Heh why didn't you say that before? but i'm not no worries."
"Remember I'm one of the guys."
"Don't worry it's whatever I may be crazy when it comes to love but I'm not irrational or unreasonable."
I said the word love has no meaning to me. It's because of that last text message. I'm not sure if I was really in love with her or if i used it in replace of like or attraction. All i know is that I'm to embarrassed to think about it and say that I really was in Love. Endgame said to just run it out. See how it goes. I did. This whole regret happened over a week ago. He filled me in just the day before yesterday, she's seeing some guy that she works with.
Next Post: 4 Beers, Jägermeister, Vodka; The Second Regret
Nursing school can be a hard time. (Yes, I'm going to be a male nurse.) The amount of studying we hear is rumored to be more then any other program at our college. A friend once told me she had friends in residency and they don't study nearly as much as we do. 5 chapters a week, anomalous voice recordings, human anatomy videos, 3x80 page power points, 20 page word documents, several procedures, and a minimum of 50 NCLEX questions a day.
So how do we do it? Well fuck if I know, at the moment I'm barely making the cut. So my absolutely unhelpful and contradicting answer: Alcohol.
For the past few weeks I found it to be the best of ailments. Just recently breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, coping with falling for random girls like a fucking idiot, and telling a girl that I was hopelessly in love with her. Cutting the edge off should at least spare me some stress.
I throw the word love like it's nothing. But right now, to me, it sure as hell is.
Prelude:
Let me work my way back from the bar.
The night after I confessed my love to this girl, I told the whole story to my buddy Endgame. It was pretty embarrassing to talk about but after a beer I instantly loosened up like a poorly tied bungee cord.
I thought of her long black hair. Her crystal clear blue eyes. Her every move had felt like earthquakes and landslides when she was close. My senses were intense, I could literally count the inches away she was when we walked next to one another. I could smell her smile, see her thoughts, and feel her laughter. God that smile, that sharp giggle that burst with personality. She was short only because the rest of her energy growing taller was spent up partying and getting drunk. She was the embodiment of seduction in a purely toxic and malicious form. She had Motley Crue syndrome. Looks that kill.
Kryptonite and I share nothing in common. Kr grew up in what sounds like an area constantly struggling with drugs, crime, and poverty. How diamonds are formed in the harshest environments, I've no idea. I grew up in an area of mundane sub-urban town homes. I'm a stone among mountains. Kr was a party girl at heart, her father a recovering-drug addict had raised her young. Growing up she did just what her heart tells you, run rampant and live a life of undirected self-pleasure. She calmed down apparently for college. The only reason were in the same classes is because her father begged her to become a nurse.
Enough history.
I told myself in my head: If I ever spoke to her I'd tell her: in all my life I would never dream of a girl so beautiful. Remind you, the treasures of the world go to the wealthy. I began speaking to her the beginning of this semester. We studied together for two weeks almost everyday. She was ridiculously flirtatious. Like "fuck don't you know any better?" ridiculous. She asked me to come with her to trips in the nursing club, go out for food, share desserts, a whole scheme of events that would make you think that we we'd dated for weeks.
I was addicted. I broke down when I wasn't around her like most of us do. I felt like I was missing an extra sense. Every day I woke up without feeling wet when I jumped in the shower. The coffee I drank had more then enough sugar to solidify the liquid it was in. On the way to work, I'd swear the windshield was spray painted black and opaque. Love is so widely felt but feels so unique to us all.
So why was I so deadly attracted to this girl? I hadn't a single clue. She was horrible for me and I knew it. I'm usually not a man where looks would take me so far as to bring me down to my knees. In retrospect, I know one thing. I sure as hell need to get the fuck out of my house and start living life already.
The Regret
I could almost remember every moment we spent with one another.
And this moment, I know I'll remember for a long time to come.
Friday, we were studying in the library for about the 4th time that week. We talked about the usual things and she told me that she knew I was the only one who could make her laugh so much. She left for class sometime during the day and I jammed my face in a book for a couple hours trying to pick up what little information I could for the upcoming test. I could only read 4 words in a row before straying off random tangents of thought. I pre-meditated hundreds of conversations. I tried to think of the best way to say things and come off smooth and attractive as possible. At times I tried to be reasonable. I attempted to rationale my feelings with logic but always drew back to thinking of how to advance our relationship. Eventually after the hundredth conversation I ran through my head, I decided to head home.
I packed up, threw on my backpack, and headed for the door. I was still feeling the high of her running through me. She circulated in my system more so than blood. I just needed more of her. In a desperate act of absolute creeper status, I took a ridiculous detour to the exit. I wanted to walk by the study room we were in earlier that day. I was hoping she'd be there and we could just spend one more moment together before I headed home. Jokingly in my head as I came near, "I thought I'm such a fucking creep. What am I doing? Even if she was here, what would I do if she actually was.. " And there she was.
The grass I grazed on earlier came up when I found my self standing in the road. I stumbled on every word. Every sentence that came out had no point and needed a anthropological historian to decipher the strange grammar and perplexed language I spoke.
I managed at least to make sense of the first sentence.
"Hey, you're still here?"
"Yeah, I just got out of class a little while ago, and Endgame left like 10 minutes ago. Wait, what are you doing here?"
I made a note to throw myself down the stairs as soon as I left after this awkward conjuncture.
"I uh, just got done studying.. was heading home and uh.. thought I was wonder if you'd left and stayed home or went to the uh, yeah. Was just on my way home."
I thought of the location in the study room in the library. It couldn't have been more packed and hidden away from every path in the library that was disclosed so no one would walk by.
From the boosting confidence of how I was speaking, I acted accordingly: Awkwardly wiggling my way in the room like a duck with malformed leg.
"God I'm so tired. I can't take studying anymore." (Trying to play off my recently acquired tongue in dumb-ass.)
"Do you always stay here this late just to study?"
She was interrupted by a phone call. It was a male voice and had a deep tone. At this point of feeling the way I did, I would say that any male talking to her had a condescending tone. They argued for a little mentioning something about getting a ride home.
"What was that about?"
"It was my ex-boyfriend. I don't understand him. I drive him to school and stuff and I drive him home most the time. But he never answers his phone when I call him and never bothers to tell me that he doesn't need a ride. Usually i just sit here and wait for him."
"He sounds like an asshole."
"You have no idea."
After a small rant about how much she hated him, she mentioned how much she loved him and cared about him. Hearing her talk about her ex and how faithful she was made me want to talk about my girlfriend. I guess the guilt kicked in for that split of a second. I tell her that i planned on breaking up after 4 years. She instantaneously spoke against it. Without reason she told me not to.. I started to learn she did things without reason or consequence. I told her the spiel I've mentioned already on the blog. After a while we heard over the loudspeaker the library was closing. It was 10:00pm.
We headed out to the parking lot together and she asked me:
"Do you smoke?"
"No, but hell yeah I'd like to."
Place of Regret: A reclined seat of a black coupe.
She joked about me going to some gas station or deli giving the clerk a special eye with a shifty voice asking for a "Lucy." No idea what it was at the time, but apparently it's when you buy a single cigarette. She didn't put much emphasis or anything in trying to go out and get one. I had asked her twice if she still wanted to get one.
"So you want to get one or what?"
"Yeah sure let's do it!"
Off we went. We went to the closest gas station and I bought my first pack of cigarettes. She made fun of the way I asked the guy as we were pulling out.
"Oh wait fuck, do you have any matches?" She said intermittently laughing.
I immediately made a ticket deserving u-turn in the 4 lane road back to the gas station. I pulled up with a big smile on my face and this gorgeous girl telling the guy it's my first time.
We picked up the lighter and began to smoke. Knowing I was new, she instinctively lit it for me. The world slowed down just for her. She pursed her lips and grasped a single cigarette from the pack. Her every move was so relaxed and had such significant purpose. The lighter struck as she slowly released the tension with one of her petite thumbs, fingers grasping around it's body. She tamed the fire with grace. Fully engaged I watched her slowly inhale. Condensing her chest, I imagined the air becoming packed tightly into the body of the cigarette easily traveling into her lungs. The job done, She lightly released the cigarette with her left hand pulling it just a few inches away from her lips. She held it just, there, staring into space, embracing it's intoxicating and cancerous effects. The smoke escaped her as she gazed her eyes onto mine and lightly handed me the cigarette. In a subtle and absolutely seducing voice, "Here." I realized I was driving 10 over and ran a yellow. Goddamn she had a way of capturing me.
We drove heading west. I wish I could have driven with her forever; the road never ending as I desperately wanted the moment to be. The cigarettes had cut off more than enough oxygen and felt like it disabled part of my brain. Good. I wanted it to be so. We spoke:
"I want to tell you something."
"What?"
"Ah, never mind I didn't say anything"
"No, what were you going to say? I want to know"
"Well.. it's rather embarrassing, you sure you want to hear it?"
"Yeah."
"I think it's got potential to make things really awkward. Hah." I took a huge drag out of my cigarette.
"Well when you laugh it doesn't make it awkward, like did you know every time there's an awkward moment a gay baby is born?"
We laughed.
"Well, I'm desperately attracted to you."
"Not once have I ever met or seen a girl so attractive in my entire life."
"What really?"
"The most beautiful girl I've ever seen, probably the most in the entire world as far as I'm concerned."
She smiled looking out the windshield.
"Hell yeah. Honestly. What you don't realize it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You could walk into a room full of guys and simply pick out anyone and they'd do anything you'd tell them on command within that second."
"Haha, wow really? I mean I know I'm not ugly, but.."
She didn't leave a moment of awkwardness. She was the most accepting and open girl I've ever met. I began to light up my 4th cigarette. We still talked and everything felt absolutely amazing. She was the same laughing and enjoying the moment.
At some point we pulled into an A&P. She previously asked me to teach her to drive manual and I promised I'd teach her. Absolutely careless about the world, I taught her. She was a natural, shifting on time, not once grinding gears, only problem was she gunned every inch of that parking lot.
We parked. With the windows slightly rolled down we reclined our seats.The girl who was so beautiful she couldn't have been made up in my own dreams; laid on her side facing right at me. I had lost time and space. I admired the curve of her body as she conformed elegantly to the seat. She was spread out like a 2 page magazine. Resting the weight of her head on her elbow and her one leg just barely crossing over her other. Her hair draped lightly over her hand down to her shoulder. We looked directly at each other, each of us in this in the moment. She spoke to me but I begun to phase in and out of the ability to listen. I fell into her eyes and lost myself. The windows started to fog and she threw her head back looking to the rear window slightly arching her back.
Fuck I wish there were a better ending to this.
She saw a hand print breaking the fog of the window.
"You totally had sex in your backseat!"
I sheepishly denied it. I really had no clue where it came from, but I took it as a compliment. Seeing as to how I never really had that much sex in the first place.
"Uh-huh, yeah right." She didn't believe a word, but kept smiling like she had something on her mind.
So what happened next? A fucking phone call. My phone glowed a picture of my mom. I quickly ignored it and tried to continue talking.
Several times it lit up and I ignored it. Kr grew curious to why she was calling so much. I told Kr that it was okay and that she did it all the time when I was out. She seemed like she felt sorry for her, making her worry about me being out so late.
She asked, "Whats the matter you can't stay out?" I told her I could, but I don't think she believed me. She then asked "Think i can make it out of here?" I sensed that she might have wanted to head back. I felt regret. I didn't show it. "Sure you can." I spoke mindlessly.
She started driving our way back. We talked about fate and I begun my move.
I asked her, "you know how you say if this happens, than something ridiculous happens?"
"yeah, like if that seagull lands on this post I'll be a millionaire"
"Well did you ever think that like it's true a little bit? like in a sense? Like the probability that if this happens then this will happen."
She said "yeah.." in a voice that indicated thinking but with a little misunderstanding.
"Well here, like my garage for example. It only opens 10% of the time I punch the code in. 90% of the time no matter what it'll never open. So I ask it questions and depending if it's yes or no, it'll open if it's and it won't if its no. It's been pretty right in predicting the future." I laughed. "So what makes it open even though 9 times outta 10 it won't? If i ask it questions and its right, then it works against the probability according to fate. So yeah, i ask my garage questions and it predicts the future."
"What?" She laughed. "That's ridiculous, but yeah I see what you mean."
"So i asked it something, but i don't want to tell you because i think it'll make it awkward, got anything to make us laugh to make it not again?"
She didn't answer. she waited a moment and just said
"Just tell me."
"I said well I asked it if you liked me."
She smiled than waited a moment and her voice changed. It turned soft.
"Well did it open or what?"
"I said wait. Lemme think how to put this."
"Wait what well if you say that than it's pretty much..-" I cut her off
"I know, I know. Wait let me think and explain how it happened."
"So everyday I came to my garage I never had the guts to ask it this question. I would always be afraid and just put off for day after and the next day and the next. I just couldn't do it. But one day. I said fuck it. Garage, you and me right now." I paused.
"Does Kr like me?"
"And it opened."
She laughed and she changed the subjected talking about something else. I don't remember what, probably because i didn't care to listen cause i just threw it out that i wanted to be with her.
"Wait wait before you say anything else. Was it right?"
"Was my garage right or what?" I smiled while speaking. I'm not sure if it was authentic or a veil.
Laughing, she was smiling and bared down her head in thought while speaking.
"Well.." the smile grew on her face.
"I don't even know you..! you know?"
"And..-"
I begun to say
"Well let's just-"
As she spoke simultaneously.
"Well let's just leave it at that."
"It's okay that if you don't like me back it's like whatever. I don't care."
"We can still be friends and like study buddy's and everything right? This won't change anything?"
I responded "Yeah. Course."
I didn't know what to think about it at the time. But I begun realizing that it was her first time driving manual and it was the worst of conditions; raining and with a foggy windshield and i started to feel a slight bit hesitant. She told me i was fucking crazy. (referring to me letting her drive.) I told her she was fucking beautiful. We got back, and hung out in my car for one last cigarette. I wanted to extend the moment as long as I could being with her. I don't see why rereading what just happened.
As we lit up our last cigarette, my girlfriend called.
I muttered a curse and my voice changed into a serious tone.
"Hello?"
"Hey where are you?"
She started to gather the cigarettes and reached over me to get the lighter on the inner side of the door.
"I'm on my way, I was just studying with some friends."
She grabbed her wallet and opened the door.
"Are you coming home?"
The cold humid air poured into the car replacing the smoke and taking the moment with it.
"Yeah I'm leaving right now I'm just leaving the parking lot."
"Okay."
"I'll see you."
As I hung up she looked at me.
I spoke first.
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure if I'm studying but yeah."
"Ill see ya later."
"See ya." That smile never left her face. Not once.
She left first. I stood there in the parking lot. I took everything in and headed home and it was 3:00am.
She txted me on the way home.
"Dont do anything based on me I'll be dealing with ex shit fnr a while cuz i love him."
"Heh why didn't you say that before? but i'm not no worries."
"Remember I'm one of the guys."
"Don't worry it's whatever I may be crazy when it comes to love but I'm not irrational or unreasonable."
I said the word love has no meaning to me. It's because of that last text message. I'm not sure if I was really in love with her or if i used it in replace of like or attraction. All i know is that I'm to embarrassed to think about it and say that I really was in Love. Endgame said to just run it out. See how it goes. I did. This whole regret happened over a week ago. He filled me in just the day before yesterday, she's seeing some guy that she works with.
Next Post: 4 Beers, Jägermeister, Vodka; The Second Regret
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Time Rewound: A spontaneous building of character
I am the median between social butterfly and alienated nerd. I've lived somewhere in between cliques and felt like I lifted friends up from the antisocial world to a higher more pleasant place of being.
I thrived in-doors. I loved computers, video games, television. Anything that if you stand in front of it long enough, it'll give you some kind of health problem. Hah, I'm a chronic masochist. Anyway, childhood was comprised of computers, and going out with my cousins and neighborhood kids to play football, manhunt, paintball, and crab apple wars (fuck yeah).
Crab apple wars works like this:
1. Find a disgusting apple that's rock hard and inedible ( the bigger the better )
2. Choose a target
3. Aim and Throw
Rules:
Last man standing
It was completely dangerous and really fun.. If you had the big kids on your team.
Interesting past story:
--------
At one point in 4th grade my best friend and I were fairly known and everyone loved us. it was a great , I had more friends then than I do now.. And a baffling completely random event occurred. My best friend disappeared. No one saw him for about 7 years. 7 frigging years. I literally thought he died or had some super contagious incurable disease. There wasn't any warning to when it happened. One day he just never showed up to class and that was it. Poof. The teacher never gave us an explanation or told us anything about it. I wasn't upset but it definitely sucked missing a friend.
Now the second part, I met him again for the first time since that day in 4th grade in junior year, high school. My girlfriend at the time had somehow been his only friend that he had since me and they were just newly acquainted that year. When i met him it was sad suprise. I found him to be completely socially incapable of holding a conversation, maintaining eye contact, and feeling comfortable around people in general. Of the maybe 6 words he spoke over a 4 hour period of hanging out, he mentioned that he really did want to talk to people and be social, but limited himself because he was afraid. fucking weird.
-------
Anyhow shit I've been writing for ever. I meant to give an idea of who I am.
Life in a nutshell:
5th grade - became nobody and i nearly became fused to my computer permanently.
Junior year, Mohawk, i hung out with some girl down the street all the time and she went bat shit when i got a girlfriend. It was a four year relationship from age 17-21.
I broke up two weeks ago because i felt like i was missing out on life being confined. i also found my self falling in love with other girls. I wasn't sure if i was in the relationship because of guilt or what. She lived with me.
Here I am now. 21. I gotta start fucking living life.
next post: 4 Beers, Jagermeister, Vodka; the First Regret
I thrived in-doors. I loved computers, video games, television. Anything that if you stand in front of it long enough, it'll give you some kind of health problem. Hah, I'm a chronic masochist. Anyway, childhood was comprised of computers, and going out with my cousins and neighborhood kids to play football, manhunt, paintball, and crab apple wars (fuck yeah).
Crab apple wars works like this:
1. Find a disgusting apple that's rock hard and inedible ( the bigger the better )
2. Choose a target
3. Aim and Throw
Rules:
Last man standing
It was completely dangerous and really fun.. If you had the big kids on your team.
Interesting past story:
--------
At one point in 4th grade my best friend and I were fairly known and everyone loved us. it was a great , I had more friends then than I do now.. And a baffling completely random event occurred. My best friend disappeared. No one saw him for about 7 years. 7 frigging years. I literally thought he died or had some super contagious incurable disease. There wasn't any warning to when it happened. One day he just never showed up to class and that was it. Poof. The teacher never gave us an explanation or told us anything about it. I wasn't upset but it definitely sucked missing a friend.
Now the second part, I met him again for the first time since that day in 4th grade in junior year, high school. My girlfriend at the time had somehow been his only friend that he had since me and they were just newly acquainted that year. When i met him it was sad suprise. I found him to be completely socially incapable of holding a conversation, maintaining eye contact, and feeling comfortable around people in general. Of the maybe 6 words he spoke over a 4 hour period of hanging out, he mentioned that he really did want to talk to people and be social, but limited himself because he was afraid. fucking weird.
-------
Anyhow shit I've been writing for ever. I meant to give an idea of who I am.
Life in a nutshell:
5th grade - became nobody and i nearly became fused to my computer permanently.
Junior year, Mohawk, i hung out with some girl down the street all the time and she went bat shit when i got a girlfriend. It was a four year relationship from age 17-21.
I broke up two weeks ago because i felt like i was missing out on life being confined. i also found my self falling in love with other girls. I wasn't sure if i was in the relationship because of guilt or what. She lived with me.
Here I am now. 21. I gotta start fucking living life.
next post: 4 Beers, Jagermeister, Vodka; the First Regret
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