I wish

There wasn't this thing. That can divide. That will split people from one another. That everyone must feel shit about.

Self-Induced Crazy.

I admit, I'm feeling more frustrated and confused as a cause to myself. I believe I will be more crazy today, therefore I will be more crazy today. I skipped taking some of these herbs i've been taking today, ginko biloba and panax ginseng. And I just believe it in my heart that without them, i'll start losing it. To what extent, the extent i was before taking them. Unless I try to poorly rationalize another harmful belief, than it'll be worse.

*Start.*
Searching Anxiety...
Searching Pain...
Searching Frustration...

inverse thought, Tuesday's the only one who understands me.

What the FUCK do I want? What the FUCK does anyone want. Why the FUCK is anyone sated. Why the FUCK can't i just not think of the future. Why can't i just be happy with what I have right now instead of focusing on what will come next? I can't help it. I think, "Ok. I have it. Awesome. What's next? Nothing. Oh. Ok. Stasis." Maybe I should go see that psychotic. I called him the other day saying I had to cancel because I wanted a doctors Referral. I wish I had a recorder so I can record the conversation.

I spent the last 10 minutes trying to find my headset and getting it to work. No avail.

My cousins  home.

Read write.

What's there to say? I just got home from a super slow day at work. I'm sitting here in my chair facing my monitor, with my shirt off still in scrub pants. Looking at my knuckles over my keyboard, they still have scabs. My back is slightly stiff, from all the lifting I did at work. all the moving. Hm. quell. I'm going to work on this song I'm writing.

Fuck Ghost.

I can't take it. I can't take the silence. Her not speaking. I can't take the talking, Her speaking.

Ghost is one sort of a mystery. I'm sure when she was alive and not a ghost, she was once very lively. Since no one will read this blog, i'll spread her guts on an open platter. To fester, to rot, to bake in the mid-day sun so that the flies will thrive on all that is vulnerable. Let's see, speak. What stands out in my mind? Well, she's a sex fiend. It's not her fault, it's the anti-depressants she's on I'm sure. It's the thing that causes her drive, because the side effect is increased libido.

The first day she messaged me, she told me had a fetish for giving blowjobs. I'm not sure what I thought of that. I fucking love blowjobs. Never got that many from X, but when I did, it was like fucking Disneyland for the first time. I thought of everything I hold dear, I thought of my integrity, I thought of my fear of sex, and my strong desire for it. I think in my mind, people who talk about sex open are often offensive. People who use sex like a game are people who holds their body without value. I used to think that was repulsive. Now I'm feeling confused. The liquid-stache of my protein shake smells like lucky charms. I want to fuck, but fate knows i'm insecure. I'm afraid that I won't last too long or that I'll just be inadequate. I probably abandon the thought of sex due to that fact. I can't take the anxiety that comes with it.

Ghost. I want you to talk to me, you said you liked me, and i said i liked you. But it was strange. Off beat. Off tempo. The solo to a song but in the wrong key. It was wrong, out of place, without rhythm. We didn't make music. I was the lead distorted guitar in full sweep, you were the clean cut soft sound of a clarinet. You were proud, I was standing without ground. I was malleable. You were stoic.

Ghost. You seem super fucking ADD. You don't talk to me as much as I'd like, and i figure you find things more interesting than I. I feel like that means you don't like me. I'm sure there's a distorted miss connection there. It reeks of paranoia. So forgive me if, i'm misplaced. I don't know how the fuck to be normal. I'm dependent. I've tasted the forbidden fruit of knowledge. I know how good life can be, but now that I don't have that sweet taste in my mouth, everything has gone bitter. The only way back to this fruit, is through someone. That someone could be you.

ignore this.

it feels like euphoria. the give the take the give the take. breaking skin to know. the flow the free the form. the fucking clear head and the fine definite dead. stress to frustrate. to break in work. find the structure, i desire. i will push and force to get what i need to what i want to be.

Theres A Rather Large Chunk of Banana In My Drink.

I haven't felt this good, in a Long. Fucking. Time.

A Long Fucking Time.

Exploding through the past.