Value

Just got out of my therapist's office.

Value.

To have value is to give worth.

Worth is determined by needs.

What is it that you need?

Do you need food?

Water?

Shelter?

Stimulation?

Friendship?

When you have value

In presence of others,

You are appraised.

You are utilized.

I ask myself why

Or how will it make me feel.

My mind draws blank,

I see the leaves rustling in wind.

The wind whispering,

Heat calming my skin.

Post-Pragmatic

Today I have school. I"m reluctant to go because I can't face the things I have to do. The stress is compiled because I have group mates to write a paper with me. I'm sorry. I feel I need to apologize to you. I've found this feeling in the past to be mirrored back to me. It was comforting.
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Sandra. I sacrifice so much for you. I cook for you, I buy your food, I help you get dressed, I brush your teeth, I help you up and down the stairs, I clean your room for you, I clean your dishes, I do a few of your chores, I sacrifice time with my friends, I sacrifice time I should spend at school, I sacrifice days I could work for extra money.

Sometimes when I want to be alone, you get upset. That makes me upset. I feel like saying "Come on don't do that to me." It's meant to be shown that the person saying it loves you so much that it pains them to see their significant other sad. Don't be sad for me please, I don't want to feel like I'm hurting by doing the things I need in my life.

Whenever I talk to you in a voice that isn't completely calm, you get anxious and tell me I'm being an asshole. I'm raising my voice because it's frustrating and that I want to deal with it. But I feel you become elusive when confronting these problems and see them in a way I never will. I feel you incredibly exaggerate almost everything and I know it's something you can't help but you can't hold me to your standards continuously.

 I can't think of the things that you sacrifice in your life as I do for you. What do you do for me? Do you let me watch my shows with me? Do you let me spend times with my friends without making me feel guilty?

What am I doing? Should I be with you? Is that what's best for me? I love you, but I hate how you make me feel like a monster.

------

Absent

I haven't felt like this in sometime.


It could've been the stress from my life
Drinking when I should've worked
Staying sober so I could drive to Love's

I woke every hour I slept.
I felt I had to figure out what I was doing with my life but there was nothing when I looked.

forthcoming

A necessity to happiness is growth.

I've always felt as if I was waiting for something. Something would always keep my mind awake, striving to stay away from sleep.

That something is growth.

finding something I can learn and prove my aptitude. Letting my body know that I am still capable.

Stagnation brings about my sadness and mental stress.

Example of things that provide my growth:
Knowing I can make someone love me.
Experiencing something new that I truly want or have interest in.
Knowing I can succeed at a conversation.

Than again, I'm on caffeine. It's a joke of a drug sure. But for some reason I'm really feeling it.

Enjoy the ride!

The bullet's path

I step inside my door. I look around and see things I've seen before.

I find myself sitting the previous molds I've long created in my past.

I take my place and let the blood drain from my body onto the floor.

Ounce by ounce a piece of me drifts away into this place.

My happiness is grown outside the walls and falls apart within them.

At this time

At this certain juncture in my life.
This crossroads
This glimpse of an existance
Slide of glass.

I find myself still existing.

It's not surprising. And I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm more or less, realizing the unexpected. I stopped thinking forward about where I was going for some time now. Most people see it as a gift-

To truly live in the present.

Maybe more people should have a hopeless outlook in life and accept the fact that what happens next doesn't matter.

In this case feel, my emotions will stay the same no matter what the future brings.
                                  My Corrupt beliefs will stay unscathed atop a granite wall. 

I was speaking to my friend at party. I found out that it was his grandmother's birthday. I cheerfully told him my grandmother died on this day, that it was uncanny that his grandmother was born this same day. Like it was some sort of weird cycle.

 He responded frankly:
You treat death very funny.
                                   Maybe I show too much of my opinion on it.

I love my dearest.
Her sister passed away, she took her own life.
A lot of her struggles arose from a disease that my love has.
In her mourning she'd break from her tears and manage to speak out:
          How could she do this?
          How can I kill myself now?
          I can't do that to my mother.

When she saw deep into the hole of her life, she'd tell me:

 I hate having you here.
You would've been one less person to let down.
                              
Maybe I'm meant for these relationships. The people and connections. Maybe I'm the only one out there who can handle these situations. Maybe the universe knows what I'm capable of and needs me to right the wrongs of mankind, but after all, we arejust part of the big equation.

Three Jobs, Dependent Girlfriend, 2 days at home in the past 14+ days.

Tonight wasn't the only night.

In fact, I believe most my nights alone were alike this. It's only now that I have something to compare my compulsions to.

She's waiting for me. But I don't want to go. I don't want to stay here. Because my mind will rot as it always has. I love being with her, but I have things here that I need to do.

I guess this place is just somewhere I can decompress and realize that I'm actually alive. That I have things that I used to do with myself.

I look around my room and see the things that preoccupied my time in the past. All of them look as weights to hold over my head.

What makes me feel this way?

The feeling that nothing is worth anything but I have to constantly feed my mind with something, anything to do, just to stop it from thinking.

I'm not depressed as I once was, but something is wrong. The picture doesn't look right.

Back to point:

I don't want to face my responsibilities. I don't want to hold my word. I just want to sit here and let it all pass by. I guess the places where I need to be cut my skin, I'm not happy where my head lies. I'm only happy in the things that are short and temporary.

I need to learn how to connect with people once more.

I'm sorry Dad, I haven't called sis, as I know I should.