Fuck my life.

Pain.

Constant.

Irredesant pain. Im not sure if thats a word.

Fucking.
Fuck.

Like.

Pain.

My back, feels as if its been dropped off the edge of a building, onto a pile of cinderblocks.

it aches and throbs through my arms and legs.

Fuck. Its accompanied by the gracious presence of blood in my snot

And the sore throat that reaps me of any pleasure to yawn or fully breath.

Fuck.
Fucking fuck.

Pain.

It prevents me from breathing deep 
Because my rib is broken and my shoulder is torn. So when I sneeze I grab tight to the loosely fitting pieces and hold tight.

Timing is everything.

If I push too hard on my chrest before the sneeze it hurts. If I push too late i kiel over nearly falling.

Megan. Youre holding me togher.

Nostalgia

I'm coming out of being sick.

I've been hocking shit stuck in my head for days.

Green, red.

Sinus infection.

I got drunk last night.

Funny how some care so much when others don't.

-------


My nose is dry.
The air was so crisp today.
I felt the sun on my skin and had flashbacks to when I was young.
How happy I was to just do anything.
There's this smell in my nose, that's just so awakening.

Feeling content is a strange thing
From going through everything
For however long it's been.

I met a girl named Megan.
She's in the Navy,
Rides motorcycles,
Fixes motorcycles,
Fixes cars,
Kick boxed,
Swam competitively,
Auditioned for Broadway,
Was on the row team for her college,
Is a photographer,
Has her own business,
Writes poetry,
Loves guns,
Runs 4 miles everyday.

She's 5'1 with brown hair and green eyes.

I believe she likes me.

The blood that leaves my head,
Is that what's making me feel calm?

It's interesting.

Truly.

Is that what this is?

We always do what we want.

Im gasping for breath. I cant seem to find it.

Im warm so very warm.

We always do what we want.
   Ember values life without me before life with me. Or she wouldnt be ignoring me a thousand miles away.

Hold on.

I sometimes wish I never had her.
That other things would happen.
But I know it'd be pointless.

Id be lying if it werent true
The part where
Well me and you
And the thought
Makes morals stab
Me in my chest
A heart never knows best

Sleep

When will happiness exist without a deep breath and a firm grip of a hand?

I made it through work. Me and Ember spoke for 2 hours. Every girl at my job laughed at my jokes. To them im witty and handsome. A girl eyed me down like a diamond ring under glass. And id lie if I said I didnt like it. The power of control. I think now, I wouldnt have this courage without ember. I wouldnt be witty charismatic nor smooth. These girls wouldnt have wanted me for who I was. Not like how Ember did. I was weird, awfully awkward at texting, overly attracted, and her? She was the same.

But I cant say for sure if shes still the same person.

I love you Ember.

Cant get a grip

I have work in an hour. Im utterly exhausted. Ember hasnt messaged me in days. I feel like its taking a toll on my feelings for her. Shes probably going through bouts of depression hoping I get sick of her and leave her because she believes I deserve someone better.

You deserve someone better :"( shed say.

Over.

And

Over.

Makes me think shes doing something I dont approve of. I wonder if shes popping pills again. Although the last time she broke in tears saying she regretted it over the phone to me and that she was sorry.

She could easily be lying to me. I believe she values me but everythimg else in her life? I dont know.

Fucking a Ember. Fucking A.

I feel like a plant without water when I dont hear from her. Near death, wilted, dried out. Maybe her last petal will fall of the rose that I grew for her, and ill move on. I fucking hate feeling like my life is on pause waiting for someone who cant even tell me good morning or goodnight.