So Far.

I've come a long way from when I first started writing on this blog. I've lost a lot of structure. But it's alright as far as I'm concerned.

At the beginning of everything, I was writing as I first left Ex. It was weird, because I truly just wanted to write my journeys as it was really me taking life head on for the first time. Taking life by myself. After having lost most my friends it took me until just now to figure out that I just didn't know how to be myself.

Assertion

Welcome.

Cutting

Without ties, we are efficient.
Emotionless automatons
Holding no quarrels that play out in their minds.
They work straight forward and to the point.

I desire metal.
A heart of gears and brass fittings.
I've seen the wake of my existence.
I know what paths I've tread
So I see clear what lies ahead.

A wine glass is thin.
Fragile.
But if you make it thick,
It will resonate.

Know what leaves marks and scars.
Define that which causes.

Write An Update Because I Said So.

Not about anyone else.

It's kind of hard to imagine writing without, you know. Thinking about it. But for some reason, right now, I don't feel like it'll be too hard to let loose my writing mind. I've a feeling I'll catch some shit for it, but it's whatever. It puts the lotion on it's skin.

Well an update. Things are quite. Different. I was a little fearful and still am. But first:
I haven't heard from Ember in quite a while, but I know I will sometime in the near future. It'll be something about how she found this new song that reminds her of us and what we "have." I'm fearful of how I'll answer her. I don't know what I'll say. But I will.

Tuesday, you make it hard. To be, Unfiltered.

For the past few days, we've been close. Real close. So, fucking heart whelmingly close. You know how I feel about love and I know you don't like it. At least, you've shown me you don't like it. But you fucking elate me. Sugar tastes sweeter. The sun shines brighter. Words and metaphors carry such intense meaning and are increasingly far from innate. It's like there's something coursing through my veins taking hold of the darkness I have and finally putting it to rest..

When we first started speaking, it was... beyond.. anything. I blacked out in my eyes. I couldn't see anything but the bits of text on my messenger saying you were calling. The ringing. The fucking OMINOUS ringing. It was LOUD and PIERCING. It fucking exacerbated my already over-driven anxiety. God. I was so fucking careful. Obsessively careful. Making sure every word I wrote to you was in no way offensive in the slightest, all facilitating my dreams and hopes of getting to this point were at now. When you answered, I read some corny joke.

You laughed. And with those sounds of happiness echoing in my mind, paint was thrown on a canvas in my mind. Putting attributes to every word, judgement, opinion, and ideal you've ever told me. It was light and high pitched. Delicate and innocent. With a laugh like that, you'd be high-class Disney-princess for christ sake. Before I could continue on, you hung up.

My heart was dragging behind me all day. It had dropped to the floor and put me in shock. With my head on the ground with my feet in the air,  my whole body seemed to just sink within itself knowing after 3 years what you really sounded like.

To bring up to date, it's been 3 days since we first spoke. We've been talking since. I fucking LOVE EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN MOMENT OF IT. I'm fucking obsessed. I'm far too into this. I'm forgetting to eat and i'm putting off being around my friends. You're a fucking disease. I know I should NOT be like this. I'm avoiding what needs to be done and indulging myself in everything that is you. But when i'm not around you, when I know I can't talk to you, I panic. I panic and I get scared. I look at my phone desperately trying to sign on to see if your there, just to say a few meaningless words just to have your presence with me.

Infatuation? Who knows, but i'm coming to greater understanding with the term and relationships. All I know right now, is that I don't want to be with anyone else and that I can't spend enough time with you. However, I know I do have needs. But right now I feel in control of them and that I can get them fulfilled. I believe that this is on the right track to be far from infatuation, to be something far far more... intensity.

Tyranny

Am I fucked up?

Its been a while

Fuh. Today was harder than others. I dont know what it was. Ember messages me everyday now, but she never says anything new. She never tells me what she does or talks about things shes into. All she tells me is that she loves me and thinks of me all the time.

I watched a video she made me. God she was gorgeous in it. She spoke with a shudder in her voice. Her mannerisms told me she was nervous. She seemed afraid to talk to me as if id hate her if I knew anything about her.

I feel my recovery is going to be rough while entertaining the thought I could have her.

I need to focus on reading my NA book. My sponsor told me that he'd give me step work to do in two weeks. A little absurd if you ask me. That time is so far, I feel as if hes treating me like im a dumb kid who knows nothing. From the few times ive spoken to him, ive put him in awe having him tell me how he was surprised how introspective and rational I was.

I cant lay out destiny.

Dirt

I bought her a drink.
"Everytime im looking at you doesnt mean im judging you."
She laughed and picked up the hint.
She bent over, curving her back while looking intensely provactive as she grinded with her twin sister.
I found her seeking my attention and it made me reminice the feeling of being wanted.