Because

I told you so, is a phrase I would never say. Because im empathetic. Because I dont care about being right.

Fuck. Mikhail is always around and bitches when I stay up to use my computer. I just want to write right now and im subdued to this shit cell phone.

Im glad for it. I really need an outlet right now. I feel I havent had a chance to be myself fully this week.

Compute

The cold hearted machine grasped its beloved only to steal the beat of its heart.

He poked and prodded the corpse looking for the smile it had once seen.

Nothing.

Walk

Go right ahead.
Take another step with happiness.
You deserve it.
You absolutely do.
Hold the hand of your lover because you know hes mister right.
By the way hell isnt to bad this time of year if you were wondering.

Oh ive tried.
Trust me I have.
And you think your better?
Well your fucking life and decisions depend far more on "you"
You are nothing more then a slab of clay loosely defined by your genetics.
The day you had your first kiss had a bigger detail on you then your will ever had.
The loving family and friends you grew around with shared your struggles and experiences.

Who would you be if you had no father?

If your mother was a whore

-Addicted to drugs in poverished slums.

If you had no money and had dying relatives?

Would you still be so righteous with your infalliable judgements?

The happiness and confidence in who you are is built around your ignorance and excessive inexperience.

Go fuck yourself with the life I wish I had.

Stand

Holding feet tight.
Toes clutching with eyes wide.
Embrace solidarity.
Because you dont need an extra heart to be strong.
You have the quality of life,
Dont worry for another.

Depravation

Dirt in eye.
What a sting.
Why must I take away the pitcher
For one to ask a drink?
Hard found conviction questions and traces this answer.
Broken a perception as eyes of a fly,
I learned how to maneuver.
But should I carry on with cleft wing?
Or start anew knowing I dont need

Glass

Cold and misspoken
Like a child
Whos hungry
Screaming out to them all,
Why dont you love me?
Needy but late like ash after a fire
He began to question her desire.
Cause cold circuits
Shine such a soulless light.
So he feels that things between
May never turn right.

I've Forgotten

That touch.
The sensation you get when someone is close.
The feeling of such an intense binding that's all too comfortable.

    I was attending my quite "purposeful" A.A. meeting today, as condoned by my Case Manager. I walked into a room that was twice as deep as it was wide. The walls were an off-teal paint you'd find in an aged bathroom at a gas station.
    There was a couple who sat in front of me. They were young, close to my age; if not younger. The boyfriend, wore a fitted hat backwards. His skin somewhat greasy, his clothes stained with a dark overall tinge. Clean but somehow filthy. The room made most people look this way. As if they spent most of their day under the sun laying in the street. The girlfriend had unkempt hair with a dry dark dyed red that's easily imagined to be done as a sub-conscious rouse to make her believe she's a different person. Everyone there had a reason hate being in their own skin. A small portion of her hair was kept up with a quarter sized hair clip atop center of her head that barely served purpose.
    I saw them the last 2 days here and now this the 3rd. As I was contemplating their background stories and making note of their character, the woman spoke, "Hi my name is Rachel."   The room, "Hi Rachel." (Fictional name.)
    She had a tremble in her voice that were hands after prolonged use of a hammer; post traumatic. She told the crowd of drunken addicts, "My friend has been gone for the past two days. We've alerted the police, I would just ask that you would pray that he's okay. We fear the worst." I imagined this is only one of the all too recurrent events in her life. I felt empathetic but the sharp contour of life's chisel outlined the shape of my empty heart to my mind. The boyfriend remained quiet but looked at her as she spoke. A couple that agreed to get better together seemed to be one of the stronger that I've seen.
   She leaned as she spoke.
Close to him.
    Her arm dangled from her frail shoulder toward the ground. I imagined she were a different woman; Not his, not mine, just a lover. The size of her arm fit perfectly into the groove in between my thumb and index finger. I used to hold such arms so gentle. It used to have such an intense meaning that was a path in my mind routinely traveled. I remember it now in value of every millisecond that I had held my lover's arm. But in the actual moment, times of embrace were regrettably in fast-forward. There was never a second thought of the magnitude of emotion that was blooming in those days.
    I tried imagining myself as her boyfriend.
I couldn't.
    I couldn't find the warmth of tactile sensation. I couldn't see the texture of skin that was unique. I couldn't find the glory and righteous light in the firm grip of a hand. I couldn't imagine it. I felt my memory erased. And so, with this lack of emotion, I've forgotten love.
    It left me hopeful, that I may learn to be myself again, so that I may actually re-learn it's way. Of rooting in the dirt, finding it's way back into my heart, with a new home.

Hurt.

Like a plant uprooted

What

AM I WAITING FOR?!

Brace Intensity

Because colors aren't inverse if you try to compare.

Sleep

Because writing doesnt bite. And I dont have to try. And my soul isnt scraped out like a fucking fruit. Because I lost my skin in this fire and blades are ends of a feather. Cause no one cares enough as I did. No one will ever care or reciprocate my echo because no one can just trust as I do. Unfortunately, im in this crux of a burden. Mundayne the antonym for my existance of emotion and feeling in a world where few carry a soul to bury.

Dumb, Yeah Fuck It.

Missing a scent of a feeling
That only drugs can give.

I'm baking in my own mind at 450 degrees.  This lack of expression can't get any more flat. I feel remorse and graffiti running along walls. Like an old paint cracking into a vertical desert from lack of moisture. The connection between reaction and action are becoming broken and undone like an old rope snapping under weight. A hum of a motor I know by eyes and ears come closer as I fear I'll lose my privacy.

Expansive

Missing a piece of gravity

Nameless

Finding a place to put an
Emotion that never had a name
that still has a mark
From the string that tied it to a heart
That had forgotten, it should care
More than someones name.

A life so forgotten
It could not be understood
Because the words of I love you
Was thought of that should.
Because it had repeated them
A definition

Ignorant

Bloody beating bubble
Of muscle in my chest
Cant stop focusing
On what I cant get. Taking
A stab and a wound instead of
Looking for whats next.
Sitting in a dead cold pond
expecting for a fish
When theres a pile of trapped game
I could of had in a dish.

Cut

Slicing venison from it's tendon.
I fucking hate this feeling and wish it were just some slab of meat.
Something easy to cut with a sharp knife.

God. I've to embrace what i'm to go through. But i don't know if i'll enjoy it. It's getting really scary right now. Don't know what this feeling is. I'm going to have to move out of my apartment by the end of the month. I've work in 15 minutes and I've to stay until 7am.

I need something in my life.

All day I've been contemplating. Is love enough? Why is it enough? before it was so indecisive that I had to strive for it. Now? Now i'm starting to second guess myself. Now I'm starting to feel that it's becoming hard to love. And now, without love, what else is there in the world?

Maybe i'm not giving enough chances for anything else to make me happy. My anxiety pretty much takes control of everything and I guess it really skews my life.

Maybe this feeling I have right now latching it's claws into my abdomen is just my unconscious knowing:

I've no money.
I've no career for more then a year.
I've no prospect.
I've nothing to look forward to.

I think I need to pop a vyvanse, but I don't want to lose the weight.

It's calories that move my body now, my soul has been long lost and it's shadow doesn't even remain.

Existentialism

Take it slow.
A man can forget he's human.
That he is tangible.
That his flesh isnt just an image.

And such should know, what you see in a reflection isn't coincidence its a person.