It's excessively hard to try and feel good right now. Nothing I think of is curing this ailment. I believe it won't go away. So i question if my beliefs are why it won't. If i believe it will go away, will it? If i believe it won't, will it stay purposefully until i get caught? Fuck. I can't make sense of anything. I hear the voice of logic but I choose not to follow because when logic occurs I fucking hurt. God this is going to be a strange ass entry. It's short like most but it's different. Fucking Case. Did I fucking move too fast? What determines the future? Is that what I'm looking for? what will happen? Is it normal to go through what I'm going through right now? I can't fucking tell, but I feel desperate. I remember listening to people's advice once. It turned out bad. It always did. Because if it did go bad, it'd be their fault. If I didn't listen, i still got fucked up because of happenstance, but I felt good that I made the decision what to happen. It was worth the blow. At least.. most of them.
I've forgotten what I've called you old friend. I'll rename you tonight. Eve. Eve, will be your name. Because your the first woman in my life, much alike how Eve was the first of all life. I really wasn't born until I met you. That life we lived was one I'll spend all my last waking moments never to forget. Those days in high school were the happiest moments in my life. I couldn't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't met you. Probably as lost as much as I am now. Maybe my feeling of depression and being lost is inevitable. Well Eve, I hope you enjoy this blog.
I must say , before I end this post, I know all things read have judgments. Whether they're shown or not. It's due to an uncontrollable self reflection of imagining living my life.. The reflection is compared to yourself. "yourself" is completely based upon personal opinion, or a "personal chemical pattern." A "personal chemical pattern" is a subconscious entity, which tells us what we like and what we don't like. Thusly, what we do in life is inevitable. I'm hoping in some strange way you won't judge me and act different. I'm telling you this because I'm afraid you'll tell me i'm crazy, you'll tell me i need help, and you'll stop talking to me. If that happens, I'll lose you and mike and everyone of our friends.. so I'll be really really sad... like.. what the fuck is the point of going on sad. also, If you don't feel like you'll do those things i'm afraid of, its more than likely I won't believe you.. i'm sorry. I can't change my mind for some reason. Fuck this crazy.
Hi, this is Eve.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I think you forgot something:
Recognizing that "it is not good for the human to be alone," God "builds" a woman from a rib of the man so that he will have a helpmate "fitting" to him.
I find it is very appropriate to name me Eve. I can guarantee that I will be glued to your side like a disfigured Siamese twin. Unfortunately I could never make up the lost years we had when we didn’t speak. I can only say I plan on rekindling our friendship now and hereafter. I can’t say things will get 100% better but I hope I can ease the pain like a Band-Aid or an emotional crutch. In truth, I feel I am the one to blame for your shortcomings: Maybe if I was around you wouldn’t have been so pensive and unhappy with the world. Maybe you wouldn’t have become an introvert. You might not have felt so lonely when you’re in a crowded room. I feel in my absence that a lot of things could have turned the other cheek, too bad I was such an egotistical cunt-flap back then. I hope it’s not too late to change, but enough about me – I’m not a very interesting story.
Judgment huh? Let’s leave judgment for God or the supernatural being who claims to have created the universe but refuses to leave a copyright. I couldn’t judge you because who am I to judge someone? If you’re asking my opinion then you should know it by now. In case your inner demon (anxiety) has told you otherwise I’ll remind you again and I’ll keep on reminding you until that nymph on your shoulder goes away. I would never think ill or poorly of you, in fact I like the way you are now: open, vulnerable and sensitive. If I cut you, you’ll bleed metaphorically speaking of course. You weren’t always like this though, human I mean. Back then in our childhood, our garden of eve, our secret oasis you were disconnected and lacking emotion and for a while I thought I was talking to a glacier. You’ve come a long way since and that’s something to be proud of. But I still see your pain hidden behind your smile. I can still see that you are struggling.
Giving good advice is just as hard as following it. So let’s start fresh and new. Forget what you may find in a fortune cookie or the bottom of your drinking glass, forget what the stars may foretell, don’t rely on your neighbor’s advice, tarot card readings or some crock trying to read your palm and don’t over indulge in your daily horoscope either. The truth of the matter is that I can’t help you. Only you can learn how to help yourself and I hate myself for saying that because I truly wish I could. I wish I could do it for you and fight the demons inside but I can’t tell you how to be happy. I never wanted to tell you this because I was afraid how you might react, but we’re not stupid kids anymore. This is the real world and you are still breathing in it. I can only say that I will always support you and be there when you need it most. I was in your position once; I think all of us were. So please don’t ever feel alone.
Those high school days, you really like them huh? I remember you saying how it was probably the best time of your life. Well, it was probably both the best and worst time of mine. I’m sure you are wondering how that may be. Well, it was the worst because I couldn’t stand the way I used to be. It was the best because I’ve realized the long lasting friendships I made regardless of my shitty character. To think after all these years our friendship is still solid and still sustaining. But I’m telling you this because it’s not too late to feel the same way you did back then. This feeling of unattainable ecstasy was never inevitable. It is only a matter of time before you find it on your own accord. You can definitely recapture this feeling because I already have. I have already stepped back into our Eden and I’m extending my hand waiting for you.
Don’t let the anxiety, the what-ifs consume your life forever and even if they do I’m still here for you. I was always here for you. I like who’ve we become now, I like the fact that I can talk to you and it could be the most trivial of things for example: What do Indians and Hindus smell like? I like the moments we have now like laying in my bed upside down blowing smoke rings as fast as we can before our lungs give out. I like it when we always go out to eat with Joe and Christie because they’re 80 years old and can’t do anything passed 8:00pm. I like it when we turn on the strobe lights and dance like its gay night at Deko. I like that we can go anywhere even if it’s just us and the most fun I’ve had all day. I hope you’re smiling now because I am. It makes me happy spending time with you but more importantly… Happy Birthday.
ReplyDeleteYours truly,
Eve