Calling me.

How would you
hide me, If I shown such
bright light?

With what
mask would you
wear to
hide such a
smile?

What would your
walls be
made of,
To
muffle such
Laughter?

Smile.

Breakfast

Mm

The day is dark

And the waters rapid.



The day is so nice yet i haven't experienced it. I don't care. I don't care to leave my room. I don't care to clothe my self. I'm laying here dead, adding weight to the surface of my floor. I sink in and roll with the energy I barely have.

I thought about cutting myself, to see what it felt like. I burned my hand earlier from the lighter and thought i would never like to cut myself. That it wouldn't be anything much worth doing. I should change and keep promises made. But i can't help but stay here, lay here, and forget everything.

Change

 "omnia mutantur, nihil interit."
-Everything changes, nothing is lost.

Tuesday. Forget me. I see it clearly now. We can't do this any longer. I'll still be there if you think I can help you. I deeply thank you for everything.

With blind eyes I'm writing this passage. I realized last night I want love. Not blind fucking. Not some random hook up. Not some one night stand. I want to be understood. I want to be depended on. I want someone to feel for me when I cannot feel anymore. I am not weak for needing love. I exist everyday knowing how wonderful love is. I know many people say they've experienced love and I know they can carry on by themselves. I know that they think love isn't everything. But what happens when you say, love is everything; Life is for that last moment you spent with someone you love? I've spent months desperately trying to believe life is worth it without it. But I think I came to a realization, everyday without it, is just a pain that I've never known I dealt with. If you've tasted heaven only to return back to earth, what would become of the mundane?

Better

It's morning, that high was fucked up.

Barely Grasping Reality

It's excessively hard to try and feel good right now. Nothing I think of is curing this ailment. I believe it won't go away. So i question if my beliefs are why it won't. If i believe it will go away, will it? If i believe it won't, will it stay purposefully until i get caught? Fuck. I can't make sense of anything. I hear the voice of logic but I choose not to follow because when logic occurs I fucking hurt. God this is going to be a strange ass entry. It's short like most but it's different. Fucking Case. Did I fucking move too fast? What determines the future? Is that what I'm looking for? what will happen? Is it normal to go through what I'm going through right now? I can't fucking tell, but I feel desperate. I remember listening to people's advice once. It turned out bad. It always did. Because if it did go bad, it'd be their fault. If I didn't listen, i still got fucked up because of happenstance, but I felt good that I made the decision what to happen. It was worth the blow. At least.. most of them.

I've forgotten what I've called you old friend. I'll rename you tonight. Eve. Eve, will be your name. Because your the first woman in my life, much alike how Eve was the first of all life. I really wasn't born until I met you. That life we lived was one I'll spend all my last waking moments never to forget. Those days in high school were the happiest moments in my life. I couldn't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't met you. Probably as lost as much as I am now. Maybe my feeling of depression and being lost is inevitable. Well Eve, I hope you enjoy this blog.

I must say , before I end this post, I know all things read have judgments. Whether they're shown or not. It's due to an uncontrollable self reflection of imagining living my life.. The reflection is compared to yourself. "yourself" is completely based upon personal opinion, or a "personal chemical pattern." A "personal chemical pattern" is a subconscious entity, which tells us what we like and what we don't like. Thusly, what we do in life is inevitable. I'm hoping in some strange way you won't judge me and act different. I'm telling you this because I'm afraid you'll tell me i'm crazy, you'll tell me i need help, and you'll stop talking to me. If that happens, I'll lose you and mike and everyone of our friends.. so I'll be really really sad... like.. what the fuck is the point of going on sad. also, If you don't feel like you'll do those things i'm afraid of, its more than likely I won't believe you.. i'm sorry. I can't change my mind for some reason. Fuck this crazy.