Dodge Bullets Dodge.

I'm trying to learn where to stick the blade.

In between the ribs, the flank, the abdomen, or the oblique?

To find a stern hand is to find a fine leader.

Take life by the throat and don't let go.

Let the little boy squeal as his heels lift
from the ground and as his back scuffs
the brick wall. you look into his eyes
and say, You're going to Die today.

For You Love.

Can you please commit Murder?

Me

I want to drug myself to death.

Right. Now.

Shitty day out today.

The day is dark.
The drugs are deep.

The light flickers
Without finding beat.

My skin is sinking
Deep within me.

As consciousness fades
you'll all miss me.

Christmas Eve

The family is over. Shit has been awkward as fuck, but it's negligible with the possible outcomes.

I'm drinking again. I drank last night, and literally every other day for the past week. It feels good to be inebriated. I understand now why most people in the psych-ward were alcoholics in the hospital. It really is the perfect temporary cure. Running away from things hasn't felt sweeter.

My brother told me about this new type of psychology being taught at Harvard. They say it's the most popular class ever given in any college across the world. The class is called Positive Psychology. It's basically explaining to you the key to happiness with the added bonus of scientific data. It's free on youtube and I plan on watching every video. I plan on watching every video like my life depends on it. Because it does.

I love you babe.

Sobering x2

Well.

I'm drunk and i'm going to work.

Fuck Dave.

What?

You need help.

Yeah?

Yeah you really really really need help.

Okay.

Where do you begin and where do you end?

SF

I love you even when I'm not there.

Dan O'Brien from cracked.com

Sobering

The key to life:

Speak what's on your mind -- no matter how crazy you sound.
Stop your mind to drop the things you don't want to feel -- control your thoughts.

Something said a thousand times before but truly understood for the first time in my life:

Do what makes you happy and forget everything else.

Little bit.

I'm not.

thinking of the future.

I'm not.

worrying about the pain.

I'm not.

struggling for breath.

I'm smiling.
Because.
I'm a little bit

When I Wake In the Morning

Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pull. Pump. Sex. Sex.Pull. Sex. Sex. Sex.Sweat. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pull.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexSweat.. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sweat. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pull.Sex. Sex. Sex. SexPump.. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SePump.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SeSweat.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPump.ex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SSweat.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. SPull.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pull. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SThrust.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pump. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SSweat.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPull.ePump.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pump. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SeSweat.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPump.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Sweat. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexPump.. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pump. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexSweat.. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. TSweat.hrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SPumPull.p.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SeThrust.x. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Thrust.Sex. Sex. Sex. SSweat.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.Pull. Sex. Sex. Pump.Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SexPump.. Sex. Sex. SPull.ex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. 

CUM~.

I haven't been Sad for good reason in a long time.

It feels good to cry tears that are meant to be shed.

Ill play this when I die.

BIFUCKINGPOLAR.

Hey.
Yo.
So.
Si what>what's up with oyu?
well i'm drunk.
what happened.
 green lantern asked me out. I sad yes.
did you lik egoing out?
absolutely.
why?
because i could reignite the friendship we had.
man.
man what>
u dib;t I don't know if I can be as good of friends as I use to be
Wgy are yiou so scareD?
because. I'm diffeernet.
Plus I didn't really... like everything that he did.
Well. He should know that. do you tink he does..?
maybe. i'm not sure.
you know... you're talking to youreself
yeah i know.
how does it feel?
esta bien.
it feels gooed?
yeah.
It does.
Really?
yeah.
How good?
la camisa negra good.

I slept for 17 hours

I came home from work yesterday, and just Slept.

Slept from the world.

Slept from hunger.

Slept from consciousness.

I felt the bones in my back crack and adjust

To this new defeated position.

It felt good.

Damn Good.

I didn't take my medication yesterday.
I don't think I will today.
I think the medication may be making me crazy.
If it gets worse, obviously I'll take more of it.
This is just an experiment.

So.
Buckle.
Your.
Seat.
Belts.

I'm Isolated.

Not a soul
Not a shadow
Nor a voice
Or a reason.
I am the cold heart
of this dark season.

I thought about screaming. I thought about calling 911. I thought about calling my mom. I thought about being ashamed. I realized I'm crazy.

I might do it.

Don't Do it.
I might do It.
Don't Do it.
I MIGHT do It.
Don't talk about why.
Why.
Because it'll hurt you.
I'm doing it.
Shut the fuck up. Your just looking to scare everyone. You're just looking for attention because your mind thinks you need love.
Oh, and is that true?
Yes. That's why you act suicidal.
I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love. I need love.

Suicide

is like taking everyone that's associated to you-

and telling them "Find what's wrong with me."

Well. I guess i'm waiting.

Acting Out.

I've realized that nothing I do gives me that feeling of caring anymore. Nothing out there hurts me when I think about it.

Vios Con Dios my friends.

don't be afraid to text -> it can't hurt your chances of being friends with them. because if your choosing not to text, your never with them in the first place.

Refreshing

It's been a while.
as it has.

So, keep your shit together man. You've only got until tuesday till your final. Don't lose it. You can hold out right? I mean I think I can. Shit. What's been up recently? Let's see. A lot. Of, strange shit. I guess you could say. I'm trying to find emotion for a reason to write. Let's seeeeee. Dad has cancer.. I mentioned that. I'll write about that.

Pops, you were never there. But it's okay, I still love you for the bits that you were. I wish I had a regular life like everyone else where you'd be in the picture. But hey you get what you get. I have to make the best of it no? If you did raise me though, I can tell i'd be a lot more confident. I'd feel like i'd be worth something.

Earlier in the week, I had thought as I laid in bed after vigorously pleasing myself. I felt the high as the vile thoughts emptied out my head and looked at my flesh. I thought about how I didn't care about it and anyone could do almost anything they wanted to it. I realized that my everyday life was something as a mind out of body experience. Where I just displaced myself and wouldn't care what happened to me.

After that thought I thought of women. I thought of girls i'd meet who could do whatever they wanted with me if they choose. I thought of how much disgust I had for a woman who held herself as low as i did. It made me think of how fucked up I was. The thought of a woman not caring who does what to their body. I feel like a whore. A prostitute. I feel like dirt. No one else sees it. And no one else seems to care. Maybe it's just the people i'm around. Fuck man, I need to get out.

Ugh.

Late Again

Sex is a double edged sword.
It makes me high. It slits my throat.
It makes me feel love. It makes me want to die.
It makes life worth living. It makes me homicidal.

The 363

Don't look back? She asks as if shed spent a
long time waiting. Their shadows drew many
yards from the sun on the tracks. And what if I die?
He said like a man standing in the cold hard rain.
You don't have to worry--
We'll be in love forever. Her eyes stealing his soul.
The train raked in and the two lovers clutched close.
The hiss and steam blew fast. The train now dragging
 the wind in it's past. She looked back, he stood there,
standing, alone, without warmth.

Dropping The Hammer

She saw him standing in his workshop. Hand crafted arches
On both sides of the door way. "Nothing but love in this house"
carved into it's hard dark mahogany. His fingers were thick
and strong with the grip of a bear. Milling his wood with
the tools like a surgeon. Creating beauty with the soul we
can't see.

I've brought you lunch she says. Really? You're so sweet.
you know how much I love you don't you? I do she smiles warmly.

I'm speaking here because i've lost the only one I could truly speak to. but it's okay. i've honestly become accustomed to pain and hurt. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and act the same. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to do the things i always do, without the thought of you. i don't care i don't care. When you talk about your past relationships and how you said i'd be legendary, know I don't give a flying fuck. What you thought i was. It's meaningless. Leave me out of your fucking list of casualties.

Third Person

He hasn't found a way to summarize
life in a few simple words. His mind
grew sick of little quotes and sayings.
He found that life can't be grouped
 and snuggled tightly in a sentence.
That would make him feel happy
every time he said it.

He couldn't find solace, in the things that
once held his smile. His art, his dog, his
family, his car. He regrets every word
that leaves his lips as if they were times
where he could have been kissed.

So when he sleeps at night, it's hard for
him to tell, whether life is worth living or
if it's just hell.

Twenty Two

The realization of space and time came fast.
my eyes were still closed but I felt the warmth of
the piled blankets. The pain in my back still
tinged as I stretched and muffled. My love came
to mind as she always did.

Only horror and fear came to my heart.  My mind
has truly turned against me. I can't experience the
warmth and adoration she has to give. I only think
of the end and how her words may be crossed. That
one day, she'll realize she's a goddess. That a man
like me is only a blade of grass in a field.

I can read clearly, that Paranoia is tattooed on my chest.
Above fragmented and unrest. It's obvious when I can't
speak to my friends, because the pain my mind gives me.
 It just demands isolation. Silence. Oh, the life of being me.

Aging

Its been a while since ive felt... raw. I feel like I'm a light that shoots through a prism. I feel like 99% of the time i'm just. fragmented. I have little parts of me that want to do things and little parts that don't. My mind finds the bad things in all the sediment like a fucking streamlined filter. My mind. My mind. My mind.

I can't take how I don't express through my face the way I feel. It's as if, i'm disconnected. That i'm severing the bonds between mind and body. I haven't eaten all day but one meal. I went to sleep hungry. I barely found solace today.

davelove~