Tonight wasn't the only night.
In fact, I believe most my nights alone were alike this. It's only now that I have something to compare my compulsions to.
She's waiting for me. But I don't want to go. I don't want to stay here. Because my mind will rot as it always has. I love being with her, but I have things here that I need to do.
I guess this place is just somewhere I can decompress and realize that I'm actually alive. That I have things that I used to do with myself.
I look around my room and see the things that preoccupied my time in the past. All of them look as weights to hold over my head.
What makes me feel this way?
The feeling that nothing is worth anything but I have to constantly feed my mind with something, anything to do, just to stop it from thinking.
I'm not depressed as I once was, but something is wrong. The picture doesn't look right.
Back to point:
I don't want to face my responsibilities. I don't want to hold my word. I just want to sit here and let it all pass by. I guess the places where I need to be cut my skin, I'm not happy where my head lies. I'm only happy in the things that are short and temporary.
I need to learn how to connect with people once more.
I'm sorry Dad, I haven't called sis, as I know I should.
