I Didn't Deserve You Anyway.

Major Revelation: You get upset, because you can't let go of the things you don't want to be happening.

It's already tomorrow morning and I gotta wake up for work. The room is so fucking hot i'm sitting here half-naked in my boxers. I'm blasting the ac while I write. This hurricane is going to be pretty interesting. I can't wait for it. They evacuated Sunchild's town.

Fuck I'm finding a lack of motivation to write.

You need to write about something you want to.

I want to write about Tuesday.

What about Tuesday?

She's gone.

Where did she go?

Away.

Away?

I don't know where, But I know she can respond, she just chooses not to.

You know she cares about you.

I believed she did. But.. Now... I don't.. even.. know...

What happened?

I'm ashamed to say.. I can't.. remember...

What do you mean? Don't you care about her enough to remember?

I care about her dearly, trust me. My memory is just.. fucking.. shot.. It's far too spent being.. burnt out from life.

But how you remember things directly reflects importance wouldn't you think?

Yeah... But.. She does mean a lot to me.

How would you rationalize that?

Well, I feel like a broken record. She's the only one who really knows me. Who really knows how I'd act and how I'd speak. She's the only one I can truly just say anything too anymore and be alright with.

What's that I feel in you?

Shut the fuck up.

Is it.. growing heart again?

I think.. It might be.. I might.. be able.. to take loss again.. and be.. alright...

Tuesday, Don't speak to me. I'm bad for you. Don't you keep me in your life, unless you need me to be. I'll be there for you.

A Violent Disassosciation

 Can't think. Can't rationalize. Can't relate. Can't find rest. I'm a fucking freight train. If your lucky, you won't ever meet me.

The Fate

I believe in Fate. It's what.. I call my religion. It's not the same thing.. of what many people think to be destiny. I just believe, that no matter who we are or what we do, the things that happen were meant to happen because of who we are and our surroundings.

I feel this, lacking in my life. I don't know what it's from. I'll admit, i'm a little bummed from Sunchild. And Queen. And universe.

Talk to me man.

Why

Because.

Because what man?

Because you seem.. Dead.

Maybe I am Dead? And you just don't know it.


Do you think you'll be alright tomorrow?

Hopefully.

Do you think you'll hear back from one of the girls?

Yeah...

Hm.

Hm. Is right.

Do you feel the disassociation?

Yeah you know I do.

What's it like?

Like I feel, Like.. I do'nt know. I pray it's just today.

Pray?

Our Fate in mind,
hallowed be thy prophecy,
you will come,
thy will be done
in reality as it is in mind.
Give us this day, our daily dread,
and show us our path,
as we will find it with another,
and lead us not to insanity,
but deliver us from FUCK.

I've upset eyes again. I'm sure of it. I can't take upsetting her. It hurts me. It hurts her. It hurts my world. I should treat her better. I'm a fucking prick. Good night cruel world. Fuck You Dearly.

Blend

She's filled with fire.
Every word she writes is a word intended to bite and sting.
She'll tell me otherwise if I ask.
Or tell me something that's completely indirect to the subject.
I care about her I do.
But I can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped.
But then again, does she need to be helped?
She's right for being angry at me.
I do want to be with Sunchild.
But I don't know why.
Probably just for comfort and sex.
I'm pretty sure that fact is what sets her off edge.
I mean, it should.
All I want to do when I speak to her is make her happy and treat her like a loved one.
The idea of having someone you like with someone else drives plenty of people off edge.
I wonder what that says, about us.
Should we be talking the way we do, if i'm going to be off with other people here?
I hope she'll truly be happy one day, with someone else if not me.

Finding what you want

To most people, this just kind of.. comes. It's not even second nature, it's first nature. It's constantly on everyone's mind. At least I feel like it is. I thought about Sunchild. She's away in Portugal right now. I thought about how she is, and how she treats me. I felt a little but uh, requited. I think that holds the right meaning. She 's breaking one of my fundamentals when I'm with her. I'm pretty sure my expectations are far more then out of fucking whack. But, that fundamental she's breaking is one that I know to be very, very crucial. "Never love someone more than they love you."

I just felt like.. It was that way when we last hung out. But it was strange, because she acted so nonchalant. Idk. She didn't give me enough love back. She didn't reciprocate. She told me she put's up this wall all the time ever since her one shitty relationship.

Important things to ask yourself:
-Why should I care, when they hurt me?

Ill write later.

Killing the Silence

Break. Break. Break. Break.

Hah, I'm rushing right now. Surging in fact. I can't find the flaws that I feel. I'm constantly searching. I can't stop ever looking and enduring. I feel it, i know it's there. I just can't find where. Their is something wrong with me. Something deeply wrong. Something so wrong that I can't see. I'm blind, because in my mind, nothing is right. And I realize nothing will ever end this fight.

The laws of silence

Don't speak
Always Think
Don't move with your eyes
Don't move in mind
Stay static.
Shapeless.
Be faux
Ideologic