I Need Social Affirmation

I've been an island. I just talked with my cousin Vilo and his friend Puerto. I talked with them about random shit. Just about anything. It felt f'n great. To meet new people and just prove that I'm cool to be around. I need to hang out with Cap'n. See whats good.

I think I'm going to go on a Hiatus for a while. I'm starting to think writing on this blog could be taking the fuel away from where it should be going, toward getting my shit together and making friends.

Oh Fuck.

It feels like my mind is splitting in every single direction possible. I can't keep one track. I can't remain in a solid straight line. Its drunk. I really find no purpose in doing anything anymore. I'm fucking flipping back and forth through depression. Ugh.

I wonder if I had more friends this would cure this bullshit feeling.

should have done:

hey dude sup? doing anything today?
I'm super bored let's f'n do something.

what i did:

contemplate what ifs.

Today felt wasted. But I need to work through my shit first. I hate facebook. I want fucking people I can trust. That don't bullshit. That understand the same thoughts I have. I need some fucking relation I'm going insane.

Africa seemed jealous the other day. I loved it, but I begged my friend not to make her so, she was going through the shit with comatose brody still. I need E-fucking-VENTS to occur in my own life. Ones that i find worth while and fucking sate me. I'm so fucking hungry for more constantly. Hungry for something to occupy my time.

I think i haveee no hobbies. Want games, but they're expensive, want to skim no one to skim with, want to surf, cant float/swim for long, want to skate, hip problems. want to draw, but it's boring, i've watched several movies and i'm ending up like the character from Yes Man with jim carey.

How the fuck can I be myself again?

Searching. This Is Isolation

I'm starting to have thoughts about suicide. I don't think I'll ever really do it.

But I have a growing feeling in my stomach that there's no purpose in continuing to go forward. I don't want women, I do, but.. I don't know there's just so much pain from social anxiety. It's almost intolerable.

I'm becoming unstable. I feel I'm becoming too smart for my own good.

I put up a status on face book and expected people to comment on it and no one really did except my cousin. For some reason it hurts a lot more than it should have. I haven't spoken to cap'n or carebear in a bit and only really talk with Jobro, occasionally. Jobro needs to F'n get his shit together. He hates his situation and complains constantly about the same things continuously.

Back to women, I think I do want love again. But I believed that I had love, with X, and I broke it because it wasn't enough. Maybe it wasn't love? It couldn't have been. That's a purpose to live for. Finding love.

You haven't found it yet.

I thought I did.

You were wrong kid, it happens to all of us sometimes. Hang in there.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

You need to speak to a girl. Any girl. They may not be the one, but you need to start taking steps toward your goals. Don't fuck up along the way, don't step on anyone else, and don't toy with anyone's feelings. Give answers where they are due.

I live for Others.

After writing last post, I felt different. A good different. And it showed today in class. I made everyone laugh in class several times. I loved it. I love making people laugh and have a good time. I think I may have also sub-pseudo-consciously played some game on my classmates. and it worked haha.. I got scared when I saw them becoming attracted to me, I realized I didn't want to do that to them although my dick strongly tells me otherwise. I need to man up and talk to girls outside of my class.

I'm so lost for what I want from women now. There are 3 kinds of relationships you can have with a woman.

1. Real relationship: boyfriend-girlfriend. Fall in love, spend time together, enjoy each others company, finish each others sentences

2. Fuck relationship: guy hooks up with girl. Get drunk, make out, knock boots, wake up in the morning and awkwardly say goodbye.

3. Friend relationship: guy hangs out with girl.. with no interest. Study together, maybe grab food, talk about plans for school but don't really care that much about her responses..


I can't have 1, after being in a 4 year relationship i hate the sound of everything about it,
can't have 2, i don't think I'm an asshole enough for it and I'm to much of a pansy to go through with it,
don't want 3, because it seems almost pointless unless they offer me something back and I feel like i could make them fall crazy for me by making them have such a good time with me.

Well fuck. I need to reanalyze this more. Most the girls I talk to I'm realizing I subtly flirt with them and than back off once the temperature gets to hot to handle. Except one-

I'll call her, Adrina for Adrima Lima, seeing as to how she models sometimes. She's pretty attractive, but for some reason I just don't want to be with her, she's just too much for me I guess. She's more like an older sister which is awesome. She offers me advice and I love her opinion on everything it's hilarious. We see each other only occasionally. We had the same class awhile back when I was going out with X and immediately started talking when she found I could do simple math in record time haha.. I'll probably see her more often this semester.

Know your Limits

I got confused somewhere along the way with Africa, where she liked me so well but suddenly didn't. She liked me and said i was the most mature and real person she knew. I now know it's because I knew myself. I knew what I could do and what I couldn't do. I didn't try to stretch out my personality to meet the standards of others. I mean eventually I could become what I wanted to, but not that fast, not that blind, and that hurt. It was just too overwhelming for me and I denied to realize it. I also spoke to soon for what I thought was her. I told her she wasn't weird at all and that anyone is crazy for believing that. I'd take back those words if I could.. I mean I fully believe you should be whoever you want and do whatever you want. But the way she acts and carries herself makes me want to avoid and be embarrassed for her. This is just my sole opinion and I'm sure there's someone out there who would think she's completely normal.

I need to find myself once again, know what I'm capable of and never deny it. Your mind can't forget who you are, so don't try to fool it into believing your someone else. A theory: when it comes to any choice we make, we only do what we want to. So try to listen to your innate you, not the you that is affected by social and cultural contexts.

What Turned Liquid into Solid?

Way back when in high school, after my rebirth as a punk (the mohawk kind), I was solid. I was an immovable force to be reckoned with. I was confident and loved doing what ever I did. I think I'm getting there again :].

But it's weird what got me there. It was Hate. It was Anger. And I'm finding a hate and anger for a lot of things. And I'm liking it.

I hate how stupid and superficial people are.
I hate how people create fucking infinitely high walls.
I hate how arrogant people can make themselves to be because of information they think is concrete.
-divulge
   NOTHING IS CONCRETE. It is near impossible to believe anything in absolute. Yet every motherfucker under the sun says there a billion things that are. Heres a test.

Is there really other planets other than earth? Yes? well how the hell do you know. Most of us don't own high-powered telescopes to look out into space. You base your knowledge of the planets from others. Others being people who tell you that you can trust because they're better than us intellectually. So we cast beliefs in the words of others.

A bit of truth: Everything out of the perception of our 5 senses is in great possibility of not being "concrete".

--random
When you watch movies they always give some general and underlying motif, where anger makes you have a cloudy mind, that it makes you have no control over your actions; not me. When i get overwhelmed with anger, I get focused, I become keen and sharp minded. I focus on what ever the hell got me so angry in the first place and do everything in my power to stop what that was. I close out everything in my mind except my one objective. I usually accomplish what goal I have set, and if I fail I let the anger subside. It's pointless to keep it if there's no support behind it.

Shed your Skin

I'm starting to think Africa was a rebound. But she also reinforced my reasons for breaking up with X; finding another relationship.

I don't feel 100% behind this but, it would make sense. I hate so much about her and she's only decent looking. I went onto her fb and saw all the dumb pictures of her she has. Really dumb. Like that's kind of weird dumb. I know I would be embarrassed if i had ever went to hang out with her friends. I'd be somewhat embarrassed to bring her around my friends.

I know I would have liked to bring her around with me because she was outgoing and confident, a girl walking with confidence is like a girl walking around in lingerie.

But still, I found this just recently and it's good.. I'm regaining the use of my brain again.